Look at you...you worthless so-called "Ministers" in the Church of the
SubGenius...bah! Where are the testimonies? Where is the brimstone?
Where the hell is the Slack?
We aren't here to turn this newsgroup into "ins" vs. "outs". We aren't
here to discuss the volume of our respective colons (interesting and
educational as that might be). We are here because we are charged with
the responsibility of spreading the word of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, the
only chance we have of making it through the upcoming terror.
We don't have time for cults of personality. We don't have time to
quibble. We barely have time to make sure that we've purchased enough
stuff to save a space on board the Pleasure Saucers. But you know and
I know that even though he brings us an excuse for our failings, he
won't be able to sell that excuse to the Elder Gods.
If the blend of souls isn't right...."Bob" help us all. And here you
sit, bullshitting and lurking just as if there was all the time in the
world. THERE'S ONLY THREE YEARS LEFT, YOU FUCKWADS!
In practical terms, there are some SubGenii who are entering college
this fall, who won't make it to graduation before the Rupture. Of
course there are plenty who wouldn't graduate if the Rupture took
pIace in 2010, but that's another story. If you buy a new car on
payments...you'll still be paying when the X-ists get here! It ain't
much time, Brethren and Sistern.
We need to bring those souls to "Bob" now. We need to give him the
bargaining power he so desperately needs. We need a little of that old
time Religion, children, and we need it NOW.
Tell us all how you found "Bob." Tell us of the power of Slack. Tell
us how to avoid work. Show us the way to "Fuck 'em if they can't take
a joke." You paid the $30 dammit...tell us how it's changed your
There's something in it for you, you know. Like shit, luck rolls
downhill. Now, "Bob's" no Reagan, (thankfully) but there is a
trickle-down effect. The more Yetikin we can lure into sending that
first dollar into the Slack zone (P.O.BOX 140306, Dallas,TX 75214),
the more numbers will recognise the powers of "Bob." The more who
become Ministers, the more successful and wide-spread the Church
becomes. Soon we will be as powerful (and easily smarter than) as the
Church of Scientology. And those of us who made it happen; those holey
soles who gave testimony to the Word, and made it real; those brave
warriors in the Slack trenches will receive their just desserts. They
will be noted among the pioneers (yes, even at this late date). They
will be revered, and fed peeled grapes and other good shit.
It is your solemn duty to spread the word. Get after it you lazy
Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually
Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.
Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.