Previously, NENSLO at Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016 wrote:
I keep getting requests to repost this. Here. Now leave me
"Bob" held the rifle, Lou the cast net and ropes, and Don the
basket of grub, flashgun, and tank of helium. Lou spoke to the man who
owned the golf cart:
"How much for the day?"
"A dollar. Goin 'bucker pluggin', be yuh?"
"Yes." Lou handed the man a dollar. "Going to see if we can earn
some Christmas money."
"Good day fer it. Sidewalk sale. Had any 'sperience 'buckerin'
in the mall?"
"'Bob' has, and we can all shoot. We'll be all right."
"Watch y'selves, then. Y'all looks kinder young fer 'buckerin'
lessen yuh was raised in the mall."
The boys laughed, loaded the cart, and shoved off. As the cart
buzzed lazily between the pillars of the parking garage they loaded up and
adjusted their flashguns.
"Well, this is it," said Don. He sat behind, ready to shoot or
run, gun in his hand.
"Bet I soaked my sheets dreaming about this hunt," rejoined "Bob."
He stood on his seat with the 30-30 rifle in the crotch of his arm. The
cast net lay folded on the floor where Lou had put it. "Here's the
delivery entrance now!"
"When'll we be in po'bucker territory?" asked Lou. He turned the
wheel and the cart rounded a corner in the doorless, empty hallway. White
fluorescent light glared down on them from an endless strip overhead. A
pair of red doors slowly grew larger far
down the hall.
"This mall's full of 'buckers from here to J. C. Penney's,"
replied "Bob." "We'll see them any minute now." The cart nosed through
the doors and into the echoey background roar of the mall.
"I've done a lot of pinksnuffing," said Don, "but this is new to
me. How do you know where to shoot?"
"Gotta put the bullet between their eyes," said "Bob." "You get so
you can tell their intelligence by how far apart their eyes are, and how
far from eyebrow to hairline."
"How do you know it's a 'bucker?" asked Don. He steered the
golfcart around a rack of novelty t-shirts. A startled teenage girl
dashed between the tables in front of Spencer Gifts and slipped behind a
rack of "over-the-hill" coffee mugs.
"You can tell it's a 'bucker by the size of their belly or butt -
that girl hadn't bloated out yet. If you watch, you can tell the
difference. Some 'buckers have rolls of flab that can't be contained by
normal clothing. Or they'll be too dirty, or too
clean, or something. Just listen for a shrill, repetitive cry. Quiet
now! When I point, guns ready, and steer over toward the Swiss Colony."
A piercing nasal cry caused them to wince and grab their ears.
Someone was shouting, "JASON! TIFFANY! GET OVER HERE! NOW! I SAID
"Right around the corner," whispered "Bob." "Easy now."
The cart buzzed quietly around the corner display window of cheap
engagement rings at Held's Jewelers. "Bob's" body stiffened. He peered
intently, then pointed. With a twist of the wheel Don swung them toward
Victoria's Secret. "Bob" stared at a huge female in purple stretchpants
and a dirty t-shirt reading "I'm not fat I'm fluffy." He hit the flashgun
and she froze, hypnotized. He raised the 30-30, took careful aim, and
squeezed. Flame darted, but the 'bucker did not move. With cat-like
quicknes s "Bob" laid down the rifle and picked up the net. Placing
between his teeth one of the lead weights that fringed the circular net,
he deftly spread its folds and gave it a skillful whirl. The big net
flared out like a giant umbrella. It fell over the huge body standing by
the table of red brassieres.
"Hold the cart back," said "Bob." "She'll begin thrashing in a few
seconds." Skillfully he wrapped the end of the rope around his left hand
and held the coil so he could play out slack.
Suddenly the huge humanoid lifted its belly, swung it down with
terrible force, and leaped into the air. It twisted and turned through a
planter of plastic ferns, flopping from one side to the other. It knocked
hunks of cedar bark onto the tile floor, a nd tumbled into the blue
concrete square of a small fountain. "Bob" played it carefully, giving the
monster all the rope it needed.
In a few minutes the flounderings lessened. Gradually the giant
relaxed, and lay still. "Bob" cautiously lit his pipe, then pulled in the
rope and gave the net a few jerks. There was no response.
"There she is, boys. Dead as a totem pole." "Bob" grinned at the
"I thought you'd missed her," said Don. "How come she didn't
start floundering sooner?
"Always takes a few seconds for them to react to anything new,"
replied "Bob." "Gives you a chance to get the net over them. If you
don't wrap 'em in the net they can break a bone and that lowers the price.
Hand me the helium tank."
"Bob" took the tank, prodded the 'bucker a few times to make sure
she was dead, then stepped into the scattered pennies on the floor of the
"Come on, boys, help me pull these pants down." He grabbed the
elastic waistband, and when they had pulled the pants and a pair of huge
greyish undies out of the way he stuck the nozzle between two huge,
cratered buttocks. Giving the valve a twist, he listened to the hiss of
escaping gas. Slowly the huge abdomen began to swell, and the immense
bulk rose out of the water to drift like a ghastly balloon at the end of
"There," said "Bob," panting, "she'll float now."
They tied the rope to a stanchion on the back of the cart so the
body would nod along behind, folded the net for the next attack, and moved
All afternoon they worked. Thirteen were in tow when "Bob" said,
"Let's head back, boys. We've made a good day's haul."
Just then a fine 'bucker male in a brand new Harley Davidson
T-shirt and Montgomery Ward bluejeans stepped out of Sportscard Outlet
directly in front of the cart. "Bob" took careful aim, shot, then threw
the net. In a few seconds the 'bucker began to t witch and flail. It
toppled onto a folding table, sending a rain of basketball cards,
slammers, and hologram pogs over the boys. Then the bucker came up next
to the cart, lunged, and pushed the boys off into a rack of cheap plaid
"grunge" shirts from Indonesia. They peered out through the flimsy fake
flannel and watched the death struggle a yard away.
When all was quiet, "Bob" pulled in the slack, then grabbed the
helium tank from the cart.
"Well, we got 'im," grinned "Bob" as he filled the 'bucker's body
cavity with gas. "And we made ourselves some real money. Who wants a
cinnamon roll? I'm buying!"