THE LAST VAMPIRE INTERVIEW
Dr. Hieronymous Zinn
Wow, what a thrill, I thought, a once in a lifetime
celebrity interview. Why me? A junior writer working as a
hack on puff pieces for 'Star' magazine. What possible
interest could someone of her prestige, her flair, her
presence want with someone like me? My last "big"
assignment had been to interview Nichole Simpson's
"Simple, dear," she said, "I like the way you write.
Kind of a nouveau krusty midwestern primitive fashion plate
sort of writing that I find very entertaining."
Wow, I thought, what utter California bullshit.
I suppose it makes sense, interviewing such an
important individual; the only really fashionable vampire
around, at her Malibu beachfront condo; while she reclined
on a chez lounge wearing a very daring designer string
bikini and sipping a pina colada.
"Gosh, I am just filled to the brim with questions I am
sure would just fascinate our readers. For example, about
your really marvelous tan..?"
"No tan lines, honey!" she said teasingly.
"Well, yes, but I thought that vampires are supposed to
be, well, allergic to sun, or something."
"Oh, well that must have been before they invented Ban
de Soliel. Without it, I'm sure I could hardly be outside
for an hour without getting a really icky sunburn. SPF 15
and all, you know."
"Uh-huh. And what about that pina colada you're
drinking. Aren't you supposed to be sort of exclusively a
"Really! Darling, you should have done your research
first. Blood is so high in calories, and all of that
sodium. My personal trainer, Tony, would just kill me if I
just drank blood all the time. I mean, even this pina
colada is lite, you know."
"Is Tony a vampire, too?," I asked.
"Certainly not. He's just a muscular little darling
who helps me with my sets and reps. If you can keep a
secret, most of the time we do the workout upstairs, if you
know what I mean" she said.
"You mean to say that you have sex with humans?"
"You make that sound so wicked, like he's a hired
hand, or something," she said, "I mean ever since that rumor
about me and Tom Cruise got started, people seem to think
I'm just such a slut. Really! I mean Tony and I are just
good friends, and you make it sound like we're an item. My
agent would just want to strangle me. The next thing you
know, we'll be featured on 'Entertainment Tonight'."
"Did you bite Tom Cruise!?" I asked.
"Well, let's just say I nibbled around the edges. But,
then, so did he. But nothing serious. He is so dedicated
to his art that he just didn't have any time left for
anyone. I mean, he just drove Brad Pitt to distraction.
Besides, you know his little wife was really plump at the
"I mean, did you make him into a vampire?"
"A vampire, no. But believe me, I tried to make him
every chance I got. But he was just too busy with the damn
"Want to do lunch? My girl is a wonderful cook, and
she even has her green card."
At this point we sat down to wonderful salad and I
couldn't help noticing garlic dressing in the selection. I
offered her some.
"Oh, god no! I hate garlic!"
"Aha," I said.
"Gives me gas."
Afterwards, as she sat on a settee, I continued with my
questions. I asked her about her teeth. Only slightly
longer than normal, her two front canines were not out of
place with her other perfect teeth.
"Caps," she said. "My real teeth were never much
longer. All I really needed was a touch of orthodontia for
appearances sake. Still cost a fortune."
"Speaking of which, it must have taken a long time to
amass the fortune it must cost you to live here. How did
you get your money? Did you steal it from your victims?"
"Well, only if you would call my two ex-husbands
victims! Personally, I think the divorce settlements were
more than fair, and they deserved all they got. Heck,
number two even got the 'A-frame' in Vail."
"In any event, this leads to the big question," I said,
"By your own estimate, how many people have you killed?"
"I hate to disappoint you, darling, but I haven't
"What? Do you mean that hundreds of years of biting
people on the neck, and they haven't hunted you down,
"Hundreds of years?," she gasped, "How the hell old do
you think I am? I just turned twenty-six last march!"
"I'm terribly sorry, I just thought..."
"Well, you thought wrong. I'm insulted. Just look at
my figure. Hundreds of years, indeed!," she snorted.
"But how long have you been a vampire, then?," I asked.
"About six months, really."
"Who made you a vampire?"
"Well, you know how I mentioned my last husband?"
"Oh, was he a vampire?"
"No, he was an agent. But anyway, if he was good for
anything, it was in the sack. He just had a way of, well,
you know, that had me screaming and crying and clawing at
the sheets like crazy. Well, one of these times, I just
couldn't take it anymore and bit hard enough to draw blood.
God, it felt good to drink blood."
"How much did you drink?"
"Not a whole lot, but it just made me tingle all over
and get the warm and fuzzies. Ever since then, I've known
that I was a vampire."
"Do you get the same feeling every time you bite
"Oh, no. It's only when I'm having sex, though it
doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. If they are really
good in bed, at some point I can just feel the urge starting
to come over me. All of a sudden I just have to bite them,
and as soon as I get blood in my mouth I start to tense and
tremble and shake and moan and you get the idea."
"Uh, I think so. Do you use the same, er, victim, over
"Yes, until they get tired of my biting them.
Sometimes I go through two or three victims a week, because
I just have this insatiable craving for blood."
"Would this happen to be why your second husband and
you got divorced?"
"Well, yes, he didn't much care to be bitten a whole
lot, and he didn't like my bringing victims to the house."
"And your first husband?"
"Oh, I never felt the urge to bite him. He was never
very good in bed, anyway."
My article in 'Star' made the cover story, "TOM CRUISE
IN LOVE TRIANGLE WITH HOLLYWOOD VAMPIRE AND MUSCLE MAN", and
though Tom Cruise has threatened to sue our butts off for
this one, my editor has confidence in our legal staff.
They are the only real vampires, anyway.