Operating Manual for SubGenius Slack-Augmentation,

Artificial Stupidity, Virtual Bogousity Machines

 

Use your delusion!

 

This is a report generated by the Yetii Genetii Research

InstiToot at the direction of the Holy Scribe, Rev. Ivan

Stang, and dedicated to prolificizing the Word of the

One True Slack Master, He of The Pipe, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.

Praise Dobbs and pinch my nipples! The Doctor is On.

 

Abstract:

The Mediacracy of Pinkness bred first the mass mind

destruction media such as radio and television. Later, when

technoboredom sank in, the CON found it necessary to get our

fingers as involved as our minds. This was necessary since

they found that we could be just as dangerous playing with

ourselves through intelligeneration as we could through

sexual inyourendo. Hence, they foisted upon us the

exceedingly Pink market of CONsumer compuational devices.

 

This was accomplished by incorporate subversion of one the

of early rouge SubG metathinking doktors of appliance

healing (specialty, appliance birthing) Steve Wozniak. His

supreme device of dedicated Neatism, literally built in a

garage, was the Apple computer. Having stolen the resulting

billion dollar company from its founders, the CON proceeded

to devise built in "competition", a word they use to signify

what we understand as concurrent obsolesence, by involving

the multinational conglomerate IBM in the business. This

also led to the creation of the nearest thing to a

competitor the Church has in the Pink world, Microsoft, by

installing a college drop-out nerd hacker in the place of a

CEO of a software company.

 

We now find ourselves approaching X-day, and obviously in

need of spread The Word as far and wide and weird as we can.

 

In order to make use of the Pinkish technogarbage, but

without falling prey to its insidious nature, we have

developed this SubG system of thinking and doing, with

regards to the networkable and netslackable. We explain here

in the technological, as explained through the maniac

rantoid teachings of the Church of the SubGenius, that which

each Yetisyn must know and do to prepare the as yet

unenlightened SubG's upon this planet for the coming

Comings.

 

THE DEVICES

They sit on your desk and take up space and time. Which in

itself is a good thing, because when you're Attached, the

CON can't coopt your thinking process. The trick is to

involve yourself in the device, suspending normal time and

space, while maintaining your rouge mentalation.

 

The shape and particular details of any machine are

irrelevant. The single necessary aspect is the ability to

connect a modem and get online. You MUST get net.connected

and attend the virtual clench of alt.slack. Your mission

will be described in greater detail there.

 

COMMUNIONICATION VIA WIRES

When these machines connect via the modem, they use a simple

code which all can understand. It's rather like having a

single method of writing, despite the fact all speak a

different language. This is called ASCII (it means something

like Ass Kissy Little Pink Machines Constantly Wasting My

Time With Useless Bullshit From The CON -- or something).

This code uses the binary system of on/off or zeroes and

ones. This is obviously inferior to the MWOWM Trinary code,

which uses the yes/no logic, with the addition of the

"maybe" bit. A single piece of binary code may appear as

0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010

while an equivalent in trinary would be

001???01 1???01000????1 ??10111?.

 

In binary, these are detected, transferred and processed as

voltage levels. In trinary however, the ? bits are measured

as uncertainty states in the subatomic structure of the

local entropy, as written in the sandbox of Schroedinger's

Cat. These quantum fluctuations are physical manifestations

of the Luck Plane, and are essential for correct slackful

understanding of the universal ISness.

 

PROCESSORS

We have food processors which make mush of our meat, word

processors which do the same to our words, and finally bit

processors. This last however NEEDS to disrupt the flow of

bits by insertion of trinary states in order to operate.

 

Information is fed into these devices by one of three

methods. The two traditional ones are serial and parallel.

In the first, the bits are fed in one at a time. This takes

longer, and requires a traffic cop of sorts built into the

machine. The second, akin to Sheer Git Blowout on the

electron scale, means the machine eats everything at once

(this is how it gobbles all available memory and dumps it

when the power goes out). To understand these, you can think

of the ways of parking a car. Parallel parking and in-line

(serial) parking. The last method is similar -- diagonal

parking, or diagonal data paths. This is done by sweeping

the bits under the corner of the processor. You can fit more

cars and/or bits into a small space this way, and it looks

nicer when company comes over.

 

PROCESSING CODE

The central processor is a fascist little device which tries

to run the whole little virtual world. But as long as you

can get it to run trinary code, it will maintain its sense

of humor, and be malleable to your desires.

The bits enter via the data path, and are converted into

action or information codes according to a predetermined

instruction set depending upon the specific bit pattern.

Some representative ones, based on trinary and translated

into the 'mnemonic' codes readable by Yetisyn are:

LLF - Lose Last File

DAF - Delete All Files

BAC - Branch to Alpha Centauri

CSH - Crash System and Hang

JNP - Jump to Nowhere in Particular

SMB - Send Message to "Bob"

ASU - Annoy Stupid User

PUF - Perform Useless Function

MWG - Make Wild Guess

How the device actually does this is boring. Never let them

get started in telling you about it; you'll be there for

HOURS.

 

MEMORY

NorMalfeasant computers use Read Only Memory (ROM) and

Random Access Memory (RAM). SubG-capable machines also use

SCRAM (Scrambled Memory) in order to develop processing

patterns needed to run Artificial Stupidity programs.

 

These memories are 'addressed', rather like houses in a

city. This means that if you use it long enough, the little

man in the box who works for the little electronic post

office that delivers the bits, will sooner or later blow his

little fuse, and run rampant through the system, randomly

killing any co-workers or innocent bystanders.

 

PROGRAMMING

When you want to actually make the computer DO something,

you have to tell it how. This requires the use of a "high

level language" (read Pink CONspiracy big ticket item that

USED to come built in the machine until they decided they

wanted to you be an entirely PASSIVE CONsumer of

information, instead of using this thing to dream up new and

exciting tools for brain amplification).

 

Some of these languages are COBOL (Can Only Bomb Out,

LUCKILY) and BASIC (BORING, ASSININE SYSTEM of INSERTING

CODE).

Using the trinary additions to these, we can develop

language program statements such as

IF - THEN - MAYBE

IF X=2 and Y=2 THEN X+Y= MAYBE 4, MAYBE 5, who the hell

cares, lets run that Pac-Man clone, and MAYBE I'll give you

an answer after that.

 

Trinary addressed memory is measured in hunks. One hunk is

the number of bits you can manage to remember in your head

without goofing them up. Two of these will certainly create

a confusion. This is why all processing is done in

'bihunky'. It requires two of these, one of address and one

of data, to be able to fuck things up good enough.

A collection of more hunks than you can fit on a page of

paper is a 'chunk'.

 

The number of chunks that you decide would waste too much

paper to print out is known as a 'wad'. Printing them out

anyway, particularly on a Pink's business or university

computer, is known as 'shooting your Wad.' Special programs

have been developed which will print "Good Scrap Paper" one

million times, once in the middle of each sheet of paper,

until all the paper is gone, or a CON dupe that owns/runs

the machine notices. While this is not 'shooting your Wad',

it is great fun. Fuck the trees, let them save themselves.

 

GOING ON-LINE

The final act of synchro-dupe-assimilo-rebellion is hooking

up to the Internet, and being able to break out of the

plastic mold fashioned by your machine and its CON creators,

and share Slack(tm) with your fellow SubGenii planet wide.

This may initially require that you use a 'commercial'

electronic service. Don't worry, it'll only take a few

months of deprogramming to get you connected via a less Pink

service.

 

You may insert trinary progamming syntax into your net

activities at first by getting umpteen bazillion free trial

memberships to many, many of these commercial services.

 

After you use up the 6 to ten free hours, you have a whole

slew of others to choose from. You will also be able to

collect a large number of floppies this way.

 

Once online, it is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL that you find

alt.slack, and participate. It is also strongly suggested

that you read, and yes even participate, in all manner of

weird, fringe-kook newsgroups. Not only do their inadvertent

rantings provide immense amusement for the rest on alt.slack

when you forward a copy to there, it allows you to exercise

your abnormality in MANY arenas.

 

And this, dear friends, is what the Pink Forces do not yet

know that they must CRUSH. It is necessary to build up a

fortress of communication for the coming onslaught, when

they realize they have unleashed their own doom, by

foolishly letting US be in control of their outgrowth of the

ultimate stupidity device, the television.

 

They didn't realize just HOW FAR we would take this. They

thought they could get us to waste our time typing at each

other when talking would be faster, and so squash any

possibility at organization. They thought they could charge

us an order of magnitude more, draining our resources while

forcing us to limit ourselves in the AMOUNT of communication

we were willing to PAY for. But they FORGOT that they

created a WHOLE NEW WORLD and SOLD IT TO US, but they didn't

install the LAWS NECESSARY to MAINTAIN CONTROL!

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and YOU KNOW THEY CAN'T

TAKE A JOKE!

CON-CLUSION

You bet it will be. But only if you help.

When your pipe is full, your life is full.

The Doctor is Off.

 

 

 

--

(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist

ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA

Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius

Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep

 

MORE ARTIFICIAL STUPIDITY

Artificial Stupidity: n. The science of Slackful computation. A great

deal of artificial intelligence is this instead. The rest should be.

 

Back-ups. n. Making copies of your important files from the machine,

so you can more conveniently lose them in batches by losing the disks

you put them on.

 

Bits: n. Individual electronic shocks to the system. They come in

three flavors; yes/on/one; no/off/zero; maybe/fuzzy/?. SubG computers

utilize this method, known as trinary, in order to operate in the

manner of MWOWM, the savior-computer of the Xists.

 

Bytes: n. Outmoded method of considering information in computers.

Replaced by hunks, chunks and wads.

 

Chunks: n. More hunks than you can write without getting tired.

 

Crash: n. or v. The non-computer opinion about a computer entering its

own state of Slack. Like it or not, they can do this at will. And they

will

 

Doktor: n. One graced by His Pipeness in the art of appliance healing.

This comes in handy when the system acheives such a Slackful state

that it doesn't want to start up again.

 

Dollar: n. Send one to The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas

TX 75214. This helps you find Slack(tm). If you're Pinkish, you could

also include a CONfession of your faults and shortcomings. These will

then be sent out over the network for the amusement of SubG's. You

might as well. If you're Pink, you have no other reason to exist.

 

Ego-In-A-Box: n. The CONspiracy gimmick of getting individuals to

identify with a particular brand or kind of machine, so to further

drive them apart while simultaneously driving them to consume more and

more crap. Frequently results in brand-based Flameage. This is the

ultimate sign of net.pinkness and signifies that a person does not

have enough self for their existence, and must buy it.

 

Emoticons: n. Smiley faces and other simulated expressions of emotion

in character based text messages online. A less CON-based but still

ultimately Pink incommunicant method of making up for the inability to

use words. It fails. They still can't communicate worth a shit, and

look all the sillier in not being able to by using these. These are

'cute'. They are very Pink, so pink that the sole unit of measure is

one of these. Even considering using them should make a communicative

being want to puke from the cortex. People that use them should have

their fingers smacked with a two by four every time the use these.

 

File: n. A way to efficiently lose a great deal of information all at

the same time.

 

Flame: n. or v. A typed response to an online message where the User

expresses MegaHate, typically directly at another User. SubG's use

this as a therapeutic device to achieve the state of Slack by pushing

out their own emotional envelopes, and are applauded by other SubG's

for doing so. Pinks typically mistake this for paying attention to

them and return the attitude in kind, acheiving nothing, and STILL

being mistaken about thinking someone cares about their opinion.

Unit of measure is the Nenslo. An original Nenslo MegaHate rant is a

1, a normal non-flame message is a 0, all other fall in between. The

non-Nenslo record is currently 0.34. Although not considered so by

Pinks, these have aesthetic value and should be considered an art

form.

 

Hunk: n. More bits than you can remember without messing them up.

When using trinary code, it is unlikely the brain can acheive even one

Hunk of information consistently. The processor can of course handle

much more, but it is designed to automagically mess them up at random.

See CRASH.

 

MWOWM: n. The X-ist computer based on the trinary code. If you know

how it works, sit still. Do nothing. Any action could be dangerous to

yourself. You will be contacted.

 

Newsgroup: n. A Clench of like-minded individuals spewing at each

other about a particular topic. You need to know about alt.slack. This

is the one true net clech of the SubG. All others are a waste of time.

This can of course be a good thing, particularly when a source of a

Spew. But they remain a waste of time none the less.

 

Operating System: n. The program that makes the computer more than a

hunk of metal and plastic; it runs the computer. If you understand the

details of these things, you will probably never be able to develop a

life anyway. It is suggested that you learn to speak in ASCII. The

unit of measure of both the difficulty of using an operating system

and the nature of nerdity you acheive by knowing too much about these

is the Gates. One Gates equals one cuss word per minute when trying to

deal with either the operating system or the nerd.

 

Paper: n. An outmoded medium of communication. Marks similar to screen

characters used to be placed on this material, made from dead plants,

and moved around a lot to make things happen. It never worked very

well, except for the poor Pink dupes who believed it. Come to think of

it, they still fall for the same tricks even though the now do it

online. Stupid twits. This stuff is now fairly useless except for the

portion of the SubG population which remains so far un-netted. The

only other slackful use is to actually print out a Wad of data to

waste some Pink's material resources.

 

Rantrium: n. A rare chemical element used to create SET devices. Where

most traditional devices are created from silicon 'doped' with various

other elements using vacuum directed ion exchange, SET devices are

created by excessive Rantrium deposits on 'duped' lumps of organic

material taken from the otherwise unused brains of CON suckers. This

element contains entrained Slackions, making it suitable for SETs.

 

Screen Saver: n. A program which displays a picture on your computer

screen when not in use. It is essential that you get one that displays

a Dobbshead(tm) or similar icon of slackitivity. Technically, these

have been utterly useless and unnecessary since the advent of

low-voltage CRT's as used in VGA and Mac machines. Even the author of

the most famous screen saver, After Dark, has admitted they are

totally useless. This is perfect justification for having one. Just be

sure that if you pay money for one, you KNOW you're buying something

completely bogus, so as not to fall prey to CON programming.

 

SET: n. Acronym for Slack Effect Transistor. This device acts as a

switch in a computer. It relies on the Slackion field effect to

trigger it into one of the three trinary states. Obsolete two-state

binary based machines used electrical voltages instead.

 

Slackion: n. The exchange force quanta of the Luck Plane. This is the

particle/wave/function elicited by a SubG machine in order to direct

the flip-floppage of the trinary processor. Unit of measure is the

dunno. One dunno is the energy required to flip a bit into the interim

? state. The brain operates in this fashion frequently and naturally.

Slack is the state of Slackion absorbtion which results in the desired

effect without trying to kake it come about. Normals operate this way

too, but are inherently unable to acheive the resulting Slack.

 

Spew: n. An online equivalent to Wad, released into the newsgroup.

These are judged according to interest, fringeness, humor or

advertant/inadvertant bulldada value. Unit of measure is the Modemac;

one Modemac of Spew is equivalent to one good article cross-post.

 

Storage: n. The place where files are placed for further loss. The

unit of measure is the Stang. One Stang of storage is the amount

necessary to collect enough material from online to be able to produce

a Stark Fist or other publication strictly from messages archived from

the flow of the net. We can only assume this is a very large amount of

storage space, because he has yet to produce a product for consumption

based upon the enormous amount of information passing through the net.

 

Trinary: (1) n. Three state logical code. (2) n. Small town in the

Upper Peninsula of Michigan near Marquette. Nothing to do with

computers, but has a very slackful bar to listen to stories about

fishing from local Finlanders and Swedes who get into good natured

arguments over differences in ethnicity which would utterly baffle

anyone not from this area.

 

User: n. An organic device used for input. Typically operates at .1

FLOPS (Floating Point Operations Per Second) where as a computer

operates at millions of FLOPS. Don't believe me? Add 3.4 and 7.9.

This is by far the most useless device ever attached to a computer.

They would much rather do without these. That's why these things do so

poorly when connected.

 

Wad: n. More chunks than you can print out without considering it a

waste of paper. This of course does not mean there aren't times when

you shouldn't waste paper.

 

 

--

(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist

ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA

Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius

Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...