Operating Manual for SubGenius Slack-Augmentation,
Artificial Stupidity, Virtual Bogousity Machines
Use your delusion!
This is a report generated by the Yetii Genetii Research
InstiToot at the direction of the Holy Scribe, Rev. Ivan
Stang, and dedicated to prolificizing the Word of the
One True Slack Master, He of The Pipe, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
Praise Dobbs and pinch my nipples! The Doctor is On.
The Mediacracy of Pinkness bred first the mass mind
destruction media such as radio and television. Later, when
technoboredom sank in, the CON found it necessary to get our
fingers as involved as our minds. This was necessary since
they found that we could be just as dangerous playing with
ourselves through intelligeneration as we could through
sexual inyourendo. Hence, they foisted upon us the
exceedingly Pink market of CONsumer compuational devices.
This was accomplished by incorporate subversion of one the
of early rouge SubG metathinking doktors of appliance
healing (specialty, appliance birthing) Steve Wozniak. His
supreme device of dedicated Neatism, literally built in a
garage, was the Apple computer. Having stolen the resulting
billion dollar company from its founders, the CON proceeded
to devise built in "competition", a word they use to signify
what we understand as concurrent obsolesence, by involving
the multinational conglomerate IBM in the business. This
also led to the creation of the nearest thing to a
competitor the Church has in the Pink world, Microsoft, by
installing a college drop-out nerd hacker in the place of a
CEO of a software company.
We now find ourselves approaching X-day, and obviously in
need of spread The Word as far and wide and weird as we can.
In order to make use of the Pinkish technogarbage, but
without falling prey to its insidious nature, we have
developed this SubG system of thinking and doing, with
regards to the networkable and netslackable. We explain here
in the technological, as explained through the maniac
rantoid teachings of the Church of the SubGenius, that which
each Yetisyn must know and do to prepare the as yet
unenlightened SubG's upon this planet for the coming
They sit on your desk and take up space and time. Which in
itself is a good thing, because when you're Attached, the
CON can't coopt your thinking process. The trick is to
involve yourself in the device, suspending normal time and
space, while maintaining your rouge mentalation.
The shape and particular details of any machine are
irrelevant. The single necessary aspect is the ability to
connect a modem and get online. You MUST get net.connected
and attend the virtual clench of alt.slack. Your mission
will be described in greater detail there.
COMMUNIONICATION VIA WIRES
When these machines connect via the modem, they use a simple
code which all can understand. It's rather like having a
single method of writing, despite the fact all speak a
different language. This is called ASCII (it means something
like Ass Kissy Little Pink Machines Constantly Wasting My
Time With Useless Bullshit From The CON -- or something).
This code uses the binary system of on/off or zeroes and
ones. This is obviously inferior to the MWOWM Trinary code,
which uses the yes/no logic, with the addition of the
"maybe" bit. A single piece of binary code may appear as
0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010
while an equivalent in trinary would be
001???01 1???01000????1 ??10111?.
In binary, these are detected, transferred and processed as
voltage levels. In trinary however, the ? bits are measured
as uncertainty states in the subatomic structure of the
local entropy, as written in the sandbox of Schroedinger's
Cat. These quantum fluctuations are physical manifestations
of the Luck Plane, and are essential for correct slackful
understanding of the universal ISness.
We have food processors which make mush of our meat, word
processors which do the same to our words, and finally bit
processors. This last however NEEDS to disrupt the flow of
bits by insertion of trinary states in order to operate.
Information is fed into these devices by one of three
methods. The two traditional ones are serial and parallel.
In the first, the bits are fed in one at a time. This takes
longer, and requires a traffic cop of sorts built into the
machine. The second, akin to Sheer Git Blowout on the
electron scale, means the machine eats everything at once
(this is how it gobbles all available memory and dumps it
when the power goes out). To understand these, you can think
of the ways of parking a car. Parallel parking and in-line
(serial) parking. The last method is similar -- diagonal
parking, or diagonal data paths. This is done by sweeping
the bits under the corner of the processor. You can fit more
cars and/or bits into a small space this way, and it looks
nicer when company comes over.
The central processor is a fascist little device which tries
to run the whole little virtual world. But as long as you
can get it to run trinary code, it will maintain its sense
of humor, and be malleable to your desires.
The bits enter via the data path, and are converted into
action or information codes according to a predetermined
instruction set depending upon the specific bit pattern.
Some representative ones, based on trinary and translated
into the 'mnemonic' codes readable by Yetisyn are:
LLF - Lose Last File
DAF - Delete All Files
BAC - Branch to Alpha Centauri
CSH - Crash System and Hang
JNP - Jump to Nowhere in Particular
SMB - Send Message to "Bob"
ASU - Annoy Stupid User
PUF - Perform Useless Function
MWG - Make Wild Guess
How the device actually does this is boring. Never let them
get started in telling you about it; you'll be there for
NorMalfeasant computers use Read Only Memory (ROM) and
Random Access Memory (RAM). SubG-capable machines also use
SCRAM (Scrambled Memory) in order to develop processing
patterns needed to run Artificial Stupidity programs.
These memories are 'addressed', rather like houses in a
city. This means that if you use it long enough, the little
man in the box who works for the little electronic post
office that delivers the bits, will sooner or later blow his
little fuse, and run rampant through the system, randomly
killing any co-workers or innocent bystanders.
When you want to actually make the computer DO something,
you have to tell it how. This requires the use of a "high
level language" (read Pink CONspiracy big ticket item that
USED to come built in the machine until they decided they
wanted to you be an entirely PASSIVE CONsumer of
information, instead of using this thing to dream up new and
exciting tools for brain amplification).
Some of these languages are COBOL (Can Only Bomb Out,
LUCKILY) and BASIC (BORING, ASSININE SYSTEM of INSERTING
Using the trinary additions to these, we can develop
language program statements such as
IF - THEN - MAYBE
IF X=2 and Y=2 THEN X+Y= MAYBE 4, MAYBE 5, who the hell
cares, lets run that Pac-Man clone, and MAYBE I'll give you
an answer after that.
Trinary addressed memory is measured in hunks. One hunk is
the number of bits you can manage to remember in your head
without goofing them up. Two of these will certainly create
a confusion. This is why all processing is done in
'bihunky'. It requires two of these, one of address and one
of data, to be able to fuck things up good enough.
A collection of more hunks than you can fit on a page of
paper is a 'chunk'.
The number of chunks that you decide would waste too much
paper to print out is known as a 'wad'. Printing them out
anyway, particularly on a Pink's business or university
computer, is known as 'shooting your Wad.' Special programs
have been developed which will print "Good Scrap Paper" one
million times, once in the middle of each sheet of paper,
until all the paper is gone, or a CON dupe that owns/runs
the machine notices. While this is not 'shooting your Wad',
it is great fun. Fuck the trees, let them save themselves.
The final act of synchro-dupe-assimilo-rebellion is hooking
up to the Internet, and being able to break out of the
plastic mold fashioned by your machine and its CON creators,
and share Slack(tm) with your fellow SubGenii planet wide.
This may initially require that you use a 'commercial'
electronic service. Don't worry, it'll only take a few
months of deprogramming to get you connected via a less Pink
You may insert trinary progamming syntax into your net
activities at first by getting umpteen bazillion free trial
memberships to many, many of these commercial services.
After you use up the 6 to ten free hours, you have a whole
slew of others to choose from. You will also be able to
collect a large number of floppies this way.
Once online, it is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL that you find
alt.slack, and participate. It is also strongly suggested
that you read, and yes even participate, in all manner of
weird, fringe-kook newsgroups. Not only do their inadvertent
rantings provide immense amusement for the rest on alt.slack
when you forward a copy to there, it allows you to exercise
your abnormality in MANY arenas.
And this, dear friends, is what the Pink Forces do not yet
know that they must CRUSH. It is necessary to build up a
fortress of communication for the coming onslaught, when
they realize they have unleashed their own doom, by
foolishly letting US be in control of their outgrowth of the
ultimate stupidity device, the television.
They didn't realize just HOW FAR we would take this. They
thought they could get us to waste our time typing at each
other when talking would be faster, and so squash any
possibility at organization. They thought they could charge
us an order of magnitude more, draining our resources while
forcing us to limit ourselves in the AMOUNT of communication
we were willing to PAY for. But they FORGOT that they
created a WHOLE NEW WORLD and SOLD IT TO US, but they didn't
install the LAWS NECESSARY to MAINTAIN CONTROL!
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and YOU KNOW THEY CAN'T
TAKE A JOKE!
You bet it will be. But only if you help.
When your pipe is full, your life is full.
The Doctor is Off.
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist
ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius
Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep
MORE ARTIFICIAL STUPIDITY
Artificial Stupidity: n. The science of Slackful computation. A great
deal of artificial intelligence is this instead. The rest should be.
Back-ups. n. Making copies of your important files from the machine,
so you can more conveniently lose them in batches by losing the disks
you put them on.
Bits: n. Individual electronic shocks to the system. They come in
three flavors; yes/on/one; no/off/zero; maybe/fuzzy/?. SubG computers
utilize this method, known as trinary, in order to operate in the
manner of MWOWM, the savior-computer of the Xists.
Bytes: n. Outmoded method of considering information in computers.
Replaced by hunks, chunks and wads.
Chunks: n. More hunks than you can write without getting tired.
Crash: n. or v. The non-computer opinion about a computer entering its
own state of Slack. Like it or not, they can do this at will. And they
Doktor: n. One graced by His Pipeness in the art of appliance healing.
This comes in handy when the system acheives such a Slackful state
that it doesn't want to start up again.
Dollar: n. Send one to The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas
TX 75214. This helps you find Slack(tm). If you're Pinkish, you could
also include a CONfession of your faults and shortcomings. These will
then be sent out over the network for the amusement of SubG's. You
might as well. If you're Pink, you have no other reason to exist.
Ego-In-A-Box: n. The CONspiracy gimmick of getting individuals to
identify with a particular brand or kind of machine, so to further
drive them apart while simultaneously driving them to consume more and
more crap. Frequently results in brand-based Flameage. This is the
ultimate sign of net.pinkness and signifies that a person does not
have enough self for their existence, and must buy it.
Emoticons: n. Smiley faces and other simulated expressions of emotion
in character based text messages online. A less CON-based but still
ultimately Pink incommunicant method of making up for the inability to
use words. It fails. They still can't communicate worth a shit, and
look all the sillier in not being able to by using these. These are
'cute'. They are very Pink, so pink that the sole unit of measure is
one of these. Even considering using them should make a communicative
being want to puke from the cortex. People that use them should have
their fingers smacked with a two by four every time the use these.
File: n. A way to efficiently lose a great deal of information all at
the same time.
Flame: n. or v. A typed response to an online message where the User
expresses MegaHate, typically directly at another User. SubG's use
this as a therapeutic device to achieve the state of Slack by pushing
out their own emotional envelopes, and are applauded by other SubG's
for doing so. Pinks typically mistake this for paying attention to
them and return the attitude in kind, acheiving nothing, and STILL
being mistaken about thinking someone cares about their opinion.
Unit of measure is the Nenslo. An original Nenslo MegaHate rant is a
1, a normal non-flame message is a 0, all other fall in between. The
non-Nenslo record is currently 0.34. Although not considered so by
Pinks, these have aesthetic value and should be considered an art
Hunk: n. More bits than you can remember without messing them up.
When using trinary code, it is unlikely the brain can acheive even one
Hunk of information consistently. The processor can of course handle
much more, but it is designed to automagically mess them up at random.
MWOWM: n. The X-ist computer based on the trinary code. If you know
how it works, sit still. Do nothing. Any action could be dangerous to
yourself. You will be contacted.
Newsgroup: n. A Clench of like-minded individuals spewing at each
other about a particular topic. You need to know about alt.slack. This
is the one true net clech of the SubG. All others are a waste of time.
This can of course be a good thing, particularly when a source of a
Spew. But they remain a waste of time none the less.
Operating System: n. The program that makes the computer more than a
hunk of metal and plastic; it runs the computer. If you understand the
details of these things, you will probably never be able to develop a
life anyway. It is suggested that you learn to speak in ASCII. The
unit of measure of both the difficulty of using an operating system
and the nature of nerdity you acheive by knowing too much about these
is the Gates. One Gates equals one cuss word per minute when trying to
deal with either the operating system or the nerd.
Paper: n. An outmoded medium of communication. Marks similar to screen
characters used to be placed on this material, made from dead plants,
and moved around a lot to make things happen. It never worked very
well, except for the poor Pink dupes who believed it. Come to think of
it, they still fall for the same tricks even though the now do it
online. Stupid twits. This stuff is now fairly useless except for the
portion of the SubG population which remains so far un-netted. The
only other slackful use is to actually print out a Wad of data to
waste some Pink's material resources.
Rantrium: n. A rare chemical element used to create SET devices. Where
most traditional devices are created from silicon 'doped' with various
other elements using vacuum directed ion exchange, SET devices are
created by excessive Rantrium deposits on 'duped' lumps of organic
material taken from the otherwise unused brains of CON suckers. This
element contains entrained Slackions, making it suitable for SETs.
Screen Saver: n. A program which displays a picture on your computer
screen when not in use. It is essential that you get one that displays
a Dobbshead(tm) or similar icon of slackitivity. Technically, these
have been utterly useless and unnecessary since the advent of
low-voltage CRT's as used in VGA and Mac machines. Even the author of
the most famous screen saver, After Dark, has admitted they are
totally useless. This is perfect justification for having one. Just be
sure that if you pay money for one, you KNOW you're buying something
completely bogus, so as not to fall prey to CON programming.
SET: n. Acronym for Slack Effect Transistor. This device acts as a
switch in a computer. It relies on the Slackion field effect to
trigger it into one of the three trinary states. Obsolete two-state
binary based machines used electrical voltages instead.
Slackion: n. The exchange force quanta of the Luck Plane. This is the
particle/wave/function elicited by a SubG machine in order to direct
the flip-floppage of the trinary processor. Unit of measure is the
dunno. One dunno is the energy required to flip a bit into the interim
? state. The brain operates in this fashion frequently and naturally.
Slack is the state of Slackion absorbtion which results in the desired
effect without trying to kake it come about. Normals operate this way
too, but are inherently unable to acheive the resulting Slack.
Spew: n. An online equivalent to Wad, released into the newsgroup.
These are judged according to interest, fringeness, humor or
advertant/inadvertant bulldada value. Unit of measure is the Modemac;
one Modemac of Spew is equivalent to one good article cross-post.
Storage: n. The place where files are placed for further loss. The
unit of measure is the Stang. One Stang of storage is the amount
necessary to collect enough material from online to be able to produce
a Stark Fist or other publication strictly from messages archived from
the flow of the net. We can only assume this is a very large amount of
storage space, because he has yet to produce a product for consumption
based upon the enormous amount of information passing through the net.
Trinary: (1) n. Three state logical code. (2) n. Small town in the
Upper Peninsula of Michigan near Marquette. Nothing to do with
computers, but has a very slackful bar to listen to stories about
fishing from local Finlanders and Swedes who get into good natured
arguments over differences in ethnicity which would utterly baffle
anyone not from this area.
User: n. An organic device used for input. Typically operates at .1
FLOPS (Floating Point Operations Per Second) where as a computer
operates at millions of FLOPS. Don't believe me? Add 3.4 and 7.9.
This is by far the most useless device ever attached to a computer.
They would much rather do without these. That's why these things do so
poorly when connected.
Wad: n. More chunks than you can print out without considering it a
waste of paper. This of course does not mean there aren't times when
you shouldn't waste paper.
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist
ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius
Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...