Yesterday I went to my youngest son's band concert. He plays the

tuba. I walked into the auditorium and found a seat, then looked

around. My husband was off getting his hair cut, and I wasn't sure if

he was going to make it in time, so I just sat and people watched.


It was incredibly sad. The room was filled with parents, grandparents,

and other children. They all looked like cookie cutter people. The

same haircuts over and over...the same decorated sweatshirts, or

current sale item at Target...the same dull look of "doing what's

right for the kids." I hated them all. In a room full of about 500

people, I saw two faces that looked alive, two people who looked like

they were thinking their own thoughts instead of humming the theme

song from "Cheers" in their heads on some endless loop which is only

briefly interrupted by the exigencies of getting supper on the table

and watching the next stirring episode of "COPS." They were all

deadly boring, "Grownups." The people I avoided as a child because

they were all self-righteous or stupid or both. I wish I knew when

I'd grow up..I'd kill myself just before it happened. Most of the

time I feel like a really experienced 25 year old. The mirror is just

fucking with my head...


On the other hand, the kids in the band were pretty damned good. I was

impressed at the ability of the band directors to get that much

musicianship out of a group of raw 7th graders.


It frightens me to go to malls or other places where large amounts of

people congregate. I'm always afraid I'll start laughing

uncontrollably or screaming at the top of my lungs, "DON'T YOU PEOPLE

GET IT?" and start singing "Little Boxes" until they cart me off to

some quiet place where I can rest for awhile.


I get furious with people who have NO OPINION. How do they justify

their existence? How do you live a life without an opinion? What they

REALLY have is NO BALLS. They're so fucking afraid that someone will

make a judgement about them that is frightened at the

OPINION of others who have NO OPINIONS that they willingly hand over

their testicles or the female equivalent (though I must admit that

those who share my sex are the WORST about not having opinions, so

maybe there should be something greater than testicles that they hand

over). Sheep sheep and more sheep; everyone follows right into the

slaughterhouse. The worst part about the whole sham is that if you

actually DO have opinions and you express them, you are considered

ARROGANT. How DARE you think that YOU, you worthless cog in the DARE you think that you should be heard, that you are

worthy of anyone's attention, that you THINK you might have an answer?


What happens to make these people the way they are? I grew up in such

a strange household that I have no idea what it's like to fit into an

Annette Funnicello world. What makes people want to be like other

people so much that they never develop their own tastes, their own

ideas about what is right, their For me, the worst thing

you can do is say..."You remind me of..." I HATE that. I don't remind

ANYONE of ANYONE unless it's just that the person I SEEM to remind you

of was probably pretty...well...different from most of your friends.


It can't be television. I watched enough television growing up to be

pretty deadly at "Trivial Pursuit." It can't be stable parents. I

know several individuals (including my spouse) who have had "Beaver

Cleaver" families and STILL grew up to be unique individuals with

strong opinions. So what is it? What makes them seek the security of

being just like everyone else? Fear? I'm afraid all the time, but I

do it anyway. I stick myself in situations where I am terrified, and

force myself to follow through. I make public statements which will

cause me humiliation if I fail to perform. It's the only way I can

force myself to work. WHY THEN?


I have a few questions for the SubGenii. Was your family "normal" or

did it have "a Fellini-esque/ Cirque du Soleil" feel to it? When did

you realize that you were "different?" Is it just me, or all SubG's

vaguely misanthropic? How do you keep your head from exploding?

thanks, and PRABOB!


the rather testy,




Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.