Yesterday I went to my youngest son's band concert. He plays the
tuba. I walked into the auditorium and found a seat, then looked
around. My husband was off getting his hair cut, and I wasn't sure if
he was going to make it in time, so I just sat and people watched.
It was incredibly sad. The room was filled with parents, grandparents,
and other children. They all looked like cookie cutter people. The
same haircuts over and over...the same decorated sweatshirts, or
current sale item at Target...the same dull look of "doing what's
right for the kids." I hated them all. In a room full of about 500
people, I saw two faces that looked alive, two people who looked like
they were thinking their own thoughts instead of humming the theme
song from "Cheers" in their heads on some endless loop which is only
briefly interrupted by the exigencies of getting supper on the table
and watching the next stirring episode of "COPS." They were all
deadly boring, "Grownups." The people I avoided as a child because
they were all self-righteous or stupid or both. I wish I knew when
I'd grow up..I'd kill myself just before it happened. Most of the
time I feel like a really experienced 25 year old. The mirror is just
fucking with my head...
On the other hand, the kids in the band were pretty damned good. I was
impressed at the ability of the band directors to get that much
musicianship out of a group of raw 7th graders.
It frightens me to go to malls or other places where large amounts of
people congregate. I'm always afraid I'll start laughing
uncontrollably or screaming at the top of my lungs, "DON'T YOU PEOPLE
GET IT?" and start singing "Little Boxes" until they cart me off to
some quiet place where I can rest for awhile.
I get furious with people who have NO OPINION. How do they justify
their existence? How do you live a life without an opinion? What they
REALLY have is NO BALLS. They're so fucking afraid that someone will
make a judgement about them that is negative...so frightened at the
OPINION of others who have NO OPINIONS that they willingly hand over
their testicles or the female equivalent (though I must admit that
those who share my sex are the WORST about not having opinions, so
maybe there should be something greater than testicles that they hand
over). Sheep sheep and more sheep; everyone follows right into the
slaughterhouse. The worst part about the whole sham is that if you
actually DO have opinions and you express them, you are considered
ARROGANT. How DARE you think that YOU, you worthless cog in the
machine..how DARE you think that you should be heard, that you are
worthy of anyone's attention, that you THINK you might have an answer?
What happens to make these people the way they are? I grew up in such
a strange household that I have no idea what it's like to fit into an
Annette Funnicello world. What makes people want to be like other
people so much that they never develop their own tastes, their own
ideas about what is right, their own...style? For me, the worst thing
you can do is say..."You remind me of..." I HATE that. I don't remind
ANYONE of ANYONE unless it's just that the person I SEEM to remind you
of was probably pretty...well...different from most of your friends.
It can't be television. I watched enough television growing up to be
pretty deadly at "Trivial Pursuit." It can't be stable parents. I
know several individuals (including my spouse) who have had "Beaver
Cleaver" families and STILL grew up to be unique individuals with
strong opinions. So what is it? What makes them seek the security of
being just like everyone else? Fear? I'm afraid all the time, but I
do it anyway. I stick myself in situations where I am terrified, and
force myself to follow through. I make public statements which will
cause me humiliation if I fail to perform. It's the only way I can
force myself to work. WHY THEN?
I have a few questions for the SubGenii. Was your family "normal" or
did it have "a Fellini-esque/ Cirque du Soleil" feel to it? When did
you realize that you were "different?" Is it just me, or all SubG's
vaguely misanthropic? How do you keep your head from exploding?
thanks, and PRABOB!
the rather testy,
Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually
Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.
Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.