In Praise of "Bob"

[Taken from The Prayer of Azariah, in the Apocrypha]

[The Apocrypha is available in ASCII from Project Gutenburg]

 

PraBob 1

And they danced in the midst of the devival, praising "Bob", and

blessing the Pipe.

 

PraBob 2

Then a Yeti stood up, and ranted on in this manner; and opening his

mouth in the midst of the gathered Yetinsyny said,

 

PraBob 3

Blessed art thou, O Pipe "Bob" of our fathers: thy name is

worthy to be praised and glorified for substantial cash:

 

PraBob 4

For thou art damn cool in all the things that thou hast done

to us: yea, sellable are all thy works, thy ways are neat, and all thy

judgments of fraud are not guilty.

 

PraBob 5

In all the things that thou hast sold us, and upon the holy suburbs of

our fathers, even Dallas, thou hast executed shrewd judgment: for

according to invoices and receipts didst thou sell all these things to

us because despite our lack of sins, and they were the belongings each

of the other of our numbers, and we did not catch on -- which was

slick.

 

PraBob 6

For we have not sinned nor committed iniquity sufficiently, departing

from thee with too few satisfying guilts.

 

PraBob 7

In many things have we blown it, and not always understood thy odd

commandments, nor sold them high enough, neither done as thou hast

commanded us, that we might cash in big time.

 

PraBob 8

Wherefore all that thou hast sold to us, and every thing that thou

hast done to us and in as many orifices, thou hast done in slyness

and quickness of hand, yet caused us to pay for thy pleasure.

 

PraBob 9

And then we did find ourselves in the midst of hateful Pinks,

most hateful forsakers of "Bob", and in the midst of the Conspiracy,

the most wicked assouls in all the world.

 

PraBob 10

And now we cannot open our third nostril; we appear as if we are of

the Pinks of the Conspiracy, those that do not worship thee.

 

PraBob 11

Yet deliver to us as wholesale, for thy name's sake, neither

disannul thou thy contract, what little we got on paper:

 

PraBob 12

And cause not our Slack to depart from us, for our money's

sake, for the Yetinsyny sake, and for thy holy Tibet's sake;

 

PraBob 13

To whom thou hast spoken and promised, that thou wouldest

multiply their seed as the stars of heaven, and as the sand that

getteth in their shorts and the crack of their butts when these

seeds be multiplied at the beach.

 

PraBob 14

For we, O "Bob", are become the most annoyed of all species, and are

kept under the power of the Pinkish because of our lack of sins.

 

PraBob 15

Neither is there at this time prince, or prophet, or leader,

or burnt offering, or sacrifice, or oblation, or incense, or

place to sacrifice before thee, and to find mercy, except thou,

that will teach us that we must be all of these for ourselves.

 

PraBob 16

Nevertheless in a lustful heart and a rampaging spirit let us

boogie down until we shall collapse in the dust, so that we may

cleanse ourselves by rolling in it.

 

PraBob 17

Like as in the burnt offerings of frop, and like

as in ten thousands of fat burgers: so let our party be in thy

house this day, and grant that the law will not go after us: for

they shall be confounded that set their sights on us.

 

PraBob 18

And now we fornicate thee with all our heart, we kill thee, and

seek thy face on paper, and made of little dots, which cometh from

Dallas for only a buck.

 

PraBob 19

Put us not to shame: but deal with us from the top of thy deck, and

not according to the multitude of thy card tricks.

 

PraBob 20

Deliver to us also thy marvelous sex toys with big red straps, that

we may give sweat and other fluids to thy name, O "Bob": and let all

them that do thy servants hurt be Saucerated;

 

PraBob 21

And let them be fried in all their cars and workplaces, and

let their scrawny Pink heads be broken;

 

PraBob 22

And let them know that thou art "Bob", the only "Bob", and

extremely nifty over the whole luck plane.

 

PraBob 23

But then the CON's servants put the Yeti in the oven hot with rosin,

pitch, tow, and small wood, and were rude unto them and made many

laws to vex them and many taxes to remove their source of Slack;

 

PraBob 24

And the flame streamed forth above the furnace as a

pyroflatulation such as comes after huevos and refrieds.

 

PraBob 25

And the Pinks tried to fry the Yeti as the Yeti had promised the Pinks

themselves would be, and by frying them before the Coming of Saucers

they hoped the saucers would not come.

 

PraBob 26

But then the Pipe came down into the oven together

with "Bob" and his little dots, and smote the flame of the fire

out of the oven, for it was the smoting section;

 

PraBob 27

And made the midst of the furnace as a moist

and heaving Squid, so that the fire touched them in special ways,

and neither hurt nor troubled them.

 

PraBob 28

Then the Yeti, as out of one mouth, praised, glorified, and

blessed "Bob" in the furnace, saying,

 

PraBob 29

Blessed art thou, O Pipe and "Bob" of our books and tapes and videos:

and smite the Pinks.

 

PraBob 30

And far out is thy weird and goofy grin: and it is to be praised

and exalted above our beds for $1.

 

PraBob 31

Blessed art thou in the temple of fortifornication: and to be

praised and glorified above all for $1; now smite the Pinks.

 

PraBob 32

Blessed art thou that holdest the bank cards, and sittest upon

the face of JHVH-1: and to be praised and exalted above all

for $1; will you please smite the Pinks now?.

 

PraBob 33

Blessed art thou on the glorious throne of excremeditation: and

to be praised and glorified above all for $1; oh, for "Bob's" sake,

will you smite them already?

 

PraBob 34

Blessed art thou in the condo of Wotan where thou short sheets the old

fart and puts salt in his sugar bowl to piss him off first thing in

the morning by ruining his coffee: and above all to be praised and

glorified for $1; oh, hell. What do you want? More money?

 

PraBob 35

O all ye puffs of the Pipe, bless ye the Pipe : praise and

exalt him above all for ever, and here's a twenty, alright?

 

[Time control sequence initiated. Smiting in progress. Please wait.]

 

PraBob 66

O OverMen and UberWomen, bless ye the Pipe: praise and

exalt him above all for $20: for he hath delivered us from

Pinks, and saved us from the hand of JHVH-1, and delivered us out

of the rays of the saucers and their burning flame: even out of the

midst of the conspiracy hath he delivered us.

 

PraBob 67

O give thanks unto the Pipe, because he is cheap at twice the price:

and his mercy endureth for as long as the cash holds out.

 

PraBob 68

O all ye that worship the Pipe, bless the "Bob" of "Bobs", praise

him, and give him thanks: but get a receipt.

 

 

--

(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist

ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA

Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius

Kinky: Using A Feather. Sick: Using The Whole Chicken