In Praise of "Bob"
[Taken from The Prayer of Azariah, in the Apocrypha]
[The Apocrypha is available in ASCII from Project Gutenburg]
And they danced in the midst of the devival, praising "Bob", and
blessing the Pipe.
Then a Yeti stood up, and ranted on in this manner; and opening his
mouth in the midst of the gathered Yetinsyny said,
Blessed art thou, O Pipe "Bob" of our fathers: thy name is
worthy to be praised and glorified for substantial cash:
For thou art damn cool in all the things that thou hast done
to us: yea, sellable are all thy works, thy ways are neat, and all thy
judgments of fraud are not guilty.
In all the things that thou hast sold us, and upon the holy suburbs of
our fathers, even Dallas, thou hast executed shrewd judgment: for
according to invoices and receipts didst thou sell all these things to
us because despite our lack of sins, and they were the belongings each
of the other of our numbers, and we did not catch on -- which was
For we have not sinned nor committed iniquity sufficiently, departing
from thee with too few satisfying guilts.
In many things have we blown it, and not always understood thy odd
commandments, nor sold them high enough, neither done as thou hast
commanded us, that we might cash in big time.
Wherefore all that thou hast sold to us, and every thing that thou
hast done to us and in as many orifices, thou hast done in slyness
and quickness of hand, yet caused us to pay for thy pleasure.
And then we did find ourselves in the midst of hateful Pinks,
most hateful forsakers of "Bob", and in the midst of the Conspiracy,
the most wicked assouls in all the world.
And now we cannot open our third nostril; we appear as if we are of
the Pinks of the Conspiracy, those that do not worship thee.
Yet deliver to us as wholesale, for thy name's sake, neither
disannul thou thy contract, what little we got on paper:
And cause not our Slack to depart from us, for our money's
sake, for the Yetinsyny sake, and for thy holy Tibet's sake;
To whom thou hast spoken and promised, that thou wouldest
multiply their seed as the stars of heaven, and as the sand that
getteth in their shorts and the crack of their butts when these
seeds be multiplied at the beach.
For we, O "Bob", are become the most annoyed of all species, and are
kept under the power of the Pinkish because of our lack of sins.
Neither is there at this time prince, or prophet, or leader,
or burnt offering, or sacrifice, or oblation, or incense, or
place to sacrifice before thee, and to find mercy, except thou,
that will teach us that we must be all of these for ourselves.
Nevertheless in a lustful heart and a rampaging spirit let us
boogie down until we shall collapse in the dust, so that we may
cleanse ourselves by rolling in it.
Like as in the burnt offerings of frop, and like
as in ten thousands of fat burgers: so let our party be in thy
house this day, and grant that the law will not go after us: for
they shall be confounded that set their sights on us.
And now we fornicate thee with all our heart, we kill thee, and
seek thy face on paper, and made of little dots, which cometh from
Dallas for only a buck.
Put us not to shame: but deal with us from the top of thy deck, and
not according to the multitude of thy card tricks.
Deliver to us also thy marvelous sex toys with big red straps, that
we may give sweat and other fluids to thy name, O "Bob": and let all
them that do thy servants hurt be Saucerated;
And let them be fried in all their cars and workplaces, and
let their scrawny Pink heads be broken;
And let them know that thou art "Bob", the only "Bob", and
extremely nifty over the whole luck plane.
But then the CON's servants put the Yeti in the oven hot with rosin,
pitch, tow, and small wood, and were rude unto them and made many
laws to vex them and many taxes to remove their source of Slack;
And the flame streamed forth above the furnace as a
pyroflatulation such as comes after huevos and refrieds.
And the Pinks tried to fry the Yeti as the Yeti had promised the Pinks
themselves would be, and by frying them before the Coming of Saucers
they hoped the saucers would not come.
But then the Pipe came down into the oven together
with "Bob" and his little dots, and smote the flame of the fire
out of the oven, for it was the smoting section;
And made the midst of the furnace as a moist
and heaving Squid, so that the fire touched them in special ways,
and neither hurt nor troubled them.
Then the Yeti, as out of one mouth, praised, glorified, and
blessed "Bob" in the furnace, saying,
Blessed art thou, O Pipe and "Bob" of our books and tapes and videos:
and smite the Pinks.
And far out is thy weird and goofy grin: and it is to be praised
and exalted above our beds for $1.
Blessed art thou in the temple of fortifornication: and to be
praised and glorified above all for $1; now smite the Pinks.
Blessed art thou that holdest the bank cards, and sittest upon
the face of JHVH-1: and to be praised and exalted above all
for $1; will you please smite the Pinks now?.
Blessed art thou on the glorious throne of excremeditation: and
to be praised and glorified above all for $1; oh, for "Bob's" sake,
will you smite them already?
Blessed art thou in the condo of Wotan where thou short sheets the old
fart and puts salt in his sugar bowl to piss him off first thing in
the morning by ruining his coffee: and above all to be praised and
glorified for $1; oh, hell. What do you want? More money?
O all ye puffs of the Pipe, bless ye the Pipe : praise and
exalt him above all for ever, and here's a twenty, alright?
[Time control sequence initiated. Smiting in progress. Please wait.]
O OverMen and UberWomen, bless ye the Pipe: praise and
exalt him above all for $20: for he hath delivered us from
Pinks, and saved us from the hand of JHVH-1, and delivered us out
of the rays of the saucers and their burning flame: even out of the
midst of the conspiracy hath he delivered us.
O give thanks unto the Pipe, because he is cheap at twice the price:
and his mercy endureth for as long as the cash holds out.
O all ye that worship the Pipe, bless the "Bob" of "Bobs", praise
him, and give him thanks: but get a receipt.
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist
ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius
Kinky: Using A Feather. Sick: Using The Whole Chicken