Ahhh Joe Newman, I adore you! I want to pop the creamy zits on your
fine hairy ass. I want to record your daily stool measurements. I want
to make you corndogs. I want to buy you sugar wafers. I want to see
you strut your stuff in those little blue panties. I want to dress you
up like a nun and make you watch football while I read from the bible,
you nasty nasty onion boy. Do you get your voice to do that by
tweaking your testicles? Does this shit get anyone else aside from
me...um, moist?....Earphones, yes ahhh, if you cross your legs and
just go with the rhythm you can be very happy, ladies la la la la la
la la la la la...juicy pumpkin. Joe, you make me so happy, I'd make
you mayonaise sandwiches with FRESH bread, dammit! Stang's voice
sounds very sexy on"...Tomorrow's Breakfast." Don't hold out on us.
"Taft" must come to alt.slack. Long clarinet solo...Austin doesn't
deserve you. Humans don't deserve you. Yeti barely deserve you and you
are too fucking modest. Hurt me with these sounds. Damn this is good
'frop. You know what I like to do? Hmmm? I like to have a deadline...
a real strict deadline. And then I like to wait...wait until the last
possible fucking minute to start working. I like to see just how
fucked up I can get and still produce perfect product. You know, the
world is just to goddamned boring sometimes. There are so few
challenges that I have to make them up, like now. I'm sitting here
just digging the shit out of "Don't get charred..." and writing fan
letters instead of doing the shit I'm supposed to get paid for, but
you know what? I don't care. Fuck 'em, Joe Newman, 'cause you only get
so much time, you know? If you can't get pleasure when you want it,
then why the hell bother to live? You're too good a musician to be a
programmer, you know? If Ed Mc Mahon were to call me and give me a big
old shitwad of cash, I swear on my grandma's wrinkled old cooter that
I'd back your next CD. Pacific moisture...how appropriate. So what
about William Demerest? I hear he was really a nasty old drunk even
though cocksure and robust. Do you ever wonder what sounds Don Knotts
made when he came? I do. I don't necessarily want to witness it live
though, tape will do. You're the only man I know of who can make vomit
and yeast infections infectious. Of course, you're also the only man I
know of who writes about yeast infections. In addition to mandating
bidets, I would also require that all children be subjected to Rudy
Scwartz music in the womb. If they don't self-abort, then we will have
the first generation of pure SubGenii to walk this planet since the
days when Yeti ruled the earth (if I were God, that is, and half the
time, I think I am) People talk so shallowly about a 'feast for the
ears' they should listen to this...it's like a meal with a thousand
flavors that blend perfectly...jarring the palate here, soothing it
there, always teasing, making you question the spices that go into it.
Fuck it, Zappa should have written a song for YOU. Spike Jones would
have been lucky to have been privileged enough to clip your toenails.
Okay, I give up...egg salad it is...but I make a really GOOD potato
salad, honestly. Nature demands balance. I just realized what is
happening. This morning I read a post from Sterno which was completely
sensible and was absolutely void of references to butt-fucking or
Vienna Sausages. This letter must be my natural response. "...nothing
could be better than impaling your intestines on a big rusty stake..."
How the HELL do you keep women from crawling all over you day and
night? Isn't cynicism like...a natural aphrodisiac? Jesus, I can whiff
it from HERE! You know, Netsurfer may suffer as a result of this, but
fuck 'em, they don't pay enough for me to care. Okay, where was I? Oh
yeah, Joe Newman is a God. Joe Newman has music coming out of his
pores. He drips music all over the carpet and leaves a nasty build
up...oops, end of CD....what was I saying?
I gotta switch to decaf.
Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually
Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.
Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.