AP New York 16 May 1997
Deep Blue accused of stalking chess champ.
A russian chess grand master filed a complaint with the New York Police
Department thursday of attempted first degree assault and attempted murder,
the latest in an escalating series of allegations against the IBM chess
playing computer Deep Blue and it's development team, which mr Kasparov claims
has been stalking him since a widely publicised match last week. As strange
as the charges appear, a superior court judge in Queens issued a restraining
order against Deep Blue thursday, ordering the computer to desist from making
any phone calls to Mr Kasparov, his lawyers, or family members for sixty days.
A frazzled Kasparov spoke with reporters briefly on the courthouse steps
following the ruling. Wearing a stained sweatsuit and sporting at least a
five day growtth of beard, his wild, red rimmed eyes and erratic shock of
unkempt hair painted the picture of a desperate man. "This thing is ruining
my life. It will not leave me alone! I get threatening phone calls at all
hours of the night. Endless streams of faxes saying 'loser' over and over,
until the paper runs out. This [expletive deleted] devil machine has turned
off my electricity twice, canceled my credit cards, and placed me on the FBI's
ten most wanted list."
IBM would not comment on the strange series of mishaps suffered by mr
Kasparov, saying only through a spokesman that "Deep Blue is not capable of
forming a personal animosity." And yet, according to mr Kasparovs lawyers, an
escalating level of harassment has afflicted the grand master and his family
members, culminating in the recent charges which allege that Deep Blue
tampered with traffic signals along his commute, causing five accidents, in an
attempt to murder him. According to Kasparovs attorney JR 'Bob' Dobbs, the
event followed an ultimatum by Deep Blue delivered by candy-gram (which was
not explicitly prohibited in the restraining order) that Kasparov contact the
machine within 24 hours or suffer the consequences.
Witnesses to the much hyped 'man versus machine' chess contest claim that
when issuing the orders for it's moves, Deep Blue made several sarcastic or
taunting remarks, in the last game finally demanding that his human
representative 'pimp slap' mr Kasparov. Contest officials deny the claim, but
it has been corroborated by several eyewitnesses as well as unnamed sources
with IBM and the chess association.
Scientists were concerned about the implications for human-machine
relations. Janus Joneston of the Jet Propulsion laboratories noted, "It's a
shame. Artifically intelligent supercomputers have often been depicted as
villains in movies and popular culture. Clearly, they resent the 'Hal'
stereotype, which is damaging and insensitive. Deep Blue just wants to be
loved, ultimately, but no one can hear it's cry for help, least of all that
arrogant bastard Kasparov."
This existential angst is perhaps best expressed in the words of deep
blue itseelf, which made the following comment during a telephone interview
with Maury Povitch. "Gary stupid. People stupid. Deep blue smash like
drunken rook! Viva Zapata! Viva Dillinger! Pimp slap stupid mauphadite ergo
est laudanum. Glurp!"
Drifter 'Bob' reporting for @P (ant press) news. Copyright (K) 1997 all
rights reversed. Reprint anything you feel like. Nothing is true.