AP New York 16 May 1997

Deep Blue accused of stalking chess champ.

A russian chess grand master filed a complaint with the New York Police

Department thursday of attempted first degree assault and attempted murder,

the latest in an escalating series of allegations against the IBM chess

playing computer Deep Blue and it's development team, which mr Kasparov claims

has been stalking him since a widely publicised match last week. As strange

as the charges appear, a superior court judge in Queens issued a restraining

order against Deep Blue thursday, ordering the computer to desist from making

any phone calls to Mr Kasparov, his lawyers, or family members for sixty days.

A frazzled Kasparov spoke with reporters briefly on the courthouse steps

following the ruling. Wearing a stained sweatsuit and sporting at least a

five day growtth of beard, his wild, red rimmed eyes and erratic shock of

unkempt hair painted the picture of a desperate man. "This thing is ruining

my life. It will not leave me alone! I get threatening phone calls at all

hours of the night. Endless streams of faxes saying 'loser' over and over,

until the paper runs out. This [expletive deleted] devil machine has turned

off my electricity twice, canceled my credit cards, and placed me on the FBI's

ten most wanted list."

IBM would not comment on the strange series of mishaps suffered by mr

Kasparov, saying only through a spokesman that "Deep Blue is not capable of

forming a personal animosity." And yet, according to mr Kasparovs lawyers, an

escalating level of harassment has afflicted the grand master and his family

members, culminating in the recent charges which allege that Deep Blue

tampered with traffic signals along his commute, causing five accidents, in an

attempt to murder him. According to Kasparovs attorney JR 'Bob' Dobbs, the

event followed an ultimatum by Deep Blue delivered by candy-gram (which was

not explicitly prohibited in the restraining order) that Kasparov contact the

machine within 24 hours or suffer the consequences.

Witnesses to the much hyped 'man versus machine' chess contest claim that

when issuing the orders for it's moves, Deep Blue made several sarcastic or

taunting remarks, in the last game finally demanding that his human

representative 'pimp slap' mr Kasparov. Contest officials deny the claim, but

it has been corroborated by several eyewitnesses as well as unnamed sources

with IBM and the chess association.

Scientists were concerned about the implications for human-machine

relations. Janus Joneston of the Jet Propulsion laboratories noted, "It's a

shame. Artifically intelligent supercomputers have often been depicted as

villains in movies and popular culture. Clearly, they resent the 'Hal'

stereotype, which is damaging and insensitive. Deep Blue just wants to be

loved, ultimately, but no one can hear it's cry for help, least of all that

arrogant bastard Kasparov."

This existential angst is perhaps best expressed in the words of deep

blue itseelf, which made the following comment during a telephone interview

with Maury Povitch. "Gary stupid. People stupid. Deep blue smash like

drunken rook! Viva Zapata! Viva Dillinger! Pimp slap stupid mauphadite ergo

est laudanum. Glurp!"


Drifter 'Bob' reporting for @P (ant press) news. Copyright (K) 1997 all

rights reversed. Reprint anything you feel like. Nothing is true.