AP 06/24/96 FAB four backs Libyan ticket
Dateline, Los Angeles
"The influential and Charismatic Fire Ant Brigade announced this weekend
that it is throwing it's enthusiastic support behind Libyan Strongman Colonel
Muammar Khadaffi in his bid for President of the United States of America, Fab
four spokesman Drifter "Bob" said Saturday. 'There is no other leader in the
History of Civilisation that has as much to offer as Khadaphi. America needs
a strong leader. You can bet we endorse Quadaffy, because we care about our
nations future, and Islamic Patriotic Socialism is what our nation needs.
Abdelllalalbababba!!! Balalaalahiajaa!!! Death to America!!!'
During a hastily arranged press conference, Ant Brigade officals laid out
Colonel Quadaffi's seven point program, or Contract with America. In the
35,000 word, rambling document, there are numerous references to Bullwinkle,
John Dillinger, and the decline of American Civilization due to over reliance
on technology. The seven points of the 'Contract' include:
-An ambitious animal rights platfrom, calling for luxury condominiums for
all stray cats and dogs.
-A rigid return to family values, including forced school prayer, forced
polygamy and female circumcision for welfare mothers (who will be auctioned
off to gainfully employed men) and forced incarceration in
orphanages\work-houses for any unemployed youth from the entire generation
under the age of 21.
-A fifty percent pay hike for all workers.
-The elimination of the Capital Gains tax.
-The elimination of American Government Bureaucracy and the relocation of
the Pentagon to Tripoli.
-Changing the expenseive, multicolored American flag for a the much
simpler, unadorned all green Lybian flag, which it is estimated will eliminate
the Defecit within six weeks due to cost savings in flag production.
-Disbanding the United States Marine Corps in favor of an elite Sikh
commando force called 'the band of death'.
-Merging the States of Texas and Olklahoma into a new super state called
-Making Louis Farrakhan the minister of millitancy
The Fab four also unveiled a scathing comparison of Muamar Qadafeee with
his primary rivals, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole:
-COLONEL Kadafi outranks both Dole, who was a mere liutennant, and
Clinton, who was a civilian.
-Ghadaffi, with six wives and over 90 children, has much more family
values than either Dole or Clinton.
-Both Clinton and Dole's first names start with the letter B, followed by
C and D, in an alphabetical order clearly invented by a CIA computer. The
Colonel is part of no such conspiracy.
-Khadafi is clearly not controlled by the United Nations, the Liberal
Media, the zionist lobby, or the John Birch society. Kadafffi stands by his
line of death, for honesty, integrity, and The American Way.
-Colonel Gadafi has had nothing to do with either Whitewater, Hillary
Clinton, nor Richard Nixon or the Republican party.
-Muammar is much more religious than Bill or Bob, since he prays five
times a day and they only pray once a week.
-Colonel kjadaffi is a Sikh, not some damn Christian. [Actually
Khadaffui is believed to be a Shiite Muslim, but FAB four spokespeople refused
to agknowlege this]
The Associated Press is also endorsing Khadaffie!!! America needs a
leader with integrity, honesty, and piety. Vote early, vote often, vote for
Lybian Strongman Colonel Muammar Kjhadafi! Death to America!!!! Aiieieieee!!!"
Fire @nt Brigade. 'Fab Four'= Drifter 'Bob', Dr Sin, Lara Justice, Whitey
Sims. Praise Lybia!
P.S. since I accepted The Colonel as my pesonal savior, my phone got
turned back on and my motorcycle got fixed!