Rant, Part 1
God, I hate Kathie Lee Gifford! There isn't enough acid in the world
for me to scrub her hide clean with. I'd eat her fucking children if
I could, while she watched. Then I'd fuck her husband til his heart
exploded...and while it throbbed its last beats, I'd rip it out of his
chest and force HER to eat it, with a fork, and a knife and a nice
little napkin on her lap. That plastic piece of pink excreta has gone
on long enough. Her smarmy Christian pursed lipped face should be
scraped raw with rasps. Her polyester fingerclaws should be ripped
from their housings and her fingers dipped in cider vinegar. I'd like
to rub Nair into her scalp and watch the look of shock and dismay as
she suddenly realized that she's really just another butt-ugly
menopausal cunt on the tube, and she really doesn't have JACK SHIT TO
SAY about the world at large. Yes, Kathie's really important...you
know where HER clothing line is??? That's right, Walmart! She names
charities after her brats,which surprises me. Who would have thought
that she'd be able to PRY her knees apart long enough to be
inseminated? She plants her bony ass on the cover of every fucking
magazine who'll pay her. And like it or not she's just the second
banana to the eternal irrantant, Regis Philbin...but that's another
rant... I hate Kathie Lee Gifford.
You know..I love this state most of the time, but Okies are just plain
stupid sometimes. Why the HELL would they name every fucking airport
in the state after someone who DIED in a plane crash? Wiley Post..?
Died in a plane crash. Will Rogers..? HE died in the plane that Wiley
was piloting. Max Westheimer...? died in a plane crash. Shit, they
even have a street at Will Rogers airport named "Amelia Earhart Dr."
Of course I had to take my son, the fruit of my loins, my chance at
DNA immortality, to the airport today. Needless to say, it doesn't
inspire a buttload of confidence when everywhere you turn you see the
names of guys who died in planes.
A Rave (Because I can't help being the only Official Optimist
SubGenius, and I have to end on a positive note)
On the other hand...They don't have Braum's anywhere outside of
Oklahoma and Texas, so the rest of the world can kiss my cooter when
it comes to fresh dairy stuff. Every once in a while a company CAN do
a good job. I like Braum's. They own their own cows and they don't
give em growth hormone. Instead, they have indonesian native boys rub
them with holy oil sqeezin's and hire Manhattan Transfer to come sing
them to sleep. The milkers have to meet each cow's parents before he's
allowed to touch her teat. When they say their milk stays fresh for 7
days after the date..it fucking well does. Their ice cream is
great..and they do this thing called "breakfast yogurt" where they mix
plain yogurt with fresh strawberries and sliced bananas and
nuts..which is heaven for $1.50 tax included. Their hamburgers have
that flavor that only comes from Volunteers. No lines of tazer-stunned
cattle waiting for the sledghammer, NO..at Braum's they only take the
depressed ones. The cows who feel they have nothing further to live
for. As soon as they discover a bovine prozac, I'll have to stop
eating meat...the flavor just won't be the same. Until then, though, I
thank "Bob" for Braum's and Cappucino chunky chocolate frozen yogurt.
Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually
Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.
Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.