AP 1-21-96,

Dateline Los Angeles

- Malevolent cult discriminates against paranoid

schizophrenics and the criminally insane

In a press release composed of letters cut out from

various magazines, the fire ant collective announced

Saturday that they are filing a 700 'zillion' dollar

class action suit against a shadowy cult known as

the Church of the SubGenius under the American

Disibilities act.

- Death threats made against insane po' bucker

Litigants have claimed that death threats were made

against them simply for exhibiting their normal,

dangerously insane behavior.

Two fire ant collective spokeswomen addressed a

group of reporters outside the SubGenius foundation

HQ, in Dallas, Texas.

"Yeah, there's all these mean, vicious Objectivist

types now in the Church. They wear Ayn Rand

armbands, greet each other with what they call the

'Roman' salute, and think psychotics should be

euthanised. They shot my damn dog just because it

had rabies and was wandering around some kindergarten

playground. You know how much bull mastiffs cost?"

"The irony is that the Church of the SubGenius is

actually supposed to be an insane organization, but

in fact the hierarchy is riddled with lucidocentric

thinking."

"Look, all we're saying is in the 1990's, a lot of

people are insane. Half the country is on Prosac,

random murder is on the rise, and as more insane

people enter the workplace, it is time we recognized

their rights. Were here, were insane, deal with it."

"Basically, we have seen the future, and it's insane."

- Massive protest gets little media coverage

An estimated one hundred and forty thousand lunatics

staged a gigantic protest on the streets of Dallas,

Texas, Sunday, and even this was dwarfed by the stunning

seven hundred million protesters at the Dobbstown

complex in ceour de tenebres, Malaysia. However,

because both protests were staged at four o clock in

the morning, and the demonstrators were completely

silent and tended to avoid each other, most slipping

off to peep into peoples windows and masturbate, the

Press was unaware of the event and coverage was

minimal.

In fact, evidently due to paranoia, protest organizers

claimed in their press release that the demonstration

was going to take place next week. Nevertheless, all

of the protestors in Malaysia were killed by government

security forces, prompting U.S. State Department officials

to issue a statement condemning genocide and announcing

the immediate sale of 90 F-16 fighters and two Aircraft

Carriers to the Malaysian Government.

The Dallas protest was disbanded by police with three

arrests and six psychiatric hospitilizations. One police

officer was raped by a demonstrater, and was briefly

hospitalised and then released.

- Insane Animal\Abortion Rights group speaks out

A wild eyed, shock haired SubCommandante Foghorn Leghorn

of the Unborn Chicken militia spoke in front of the

Supreme Court, Sunday, in support of the lawsuit. While

gnawing absent mindedly on his favorite electroshock therapy

bicycle grip he described a litany of discriminatory

practices.

"At the SubGenius foundation headquarters, there are

ramped entrances for Wheelchair bound 'Bobbies', but

where are the secret entrances for the paranoids?"

"Furthermore, criminally insane cult members within

the hierarchy are not allowed access to either the

chemical or nuclear weapons owned by the cult.

 

There is a rubber ceiling, and it's just not fair."

"Dont you people see!?"

"There isn't a single rubber lined room in the whole

five hundred floor, six hundred and sixty six million

dollar complex for insane people to relax in. The hat

racks tear the aluminum foil I line my hat with to keep

out the mind control lasers. Snack bars offer low fat

food, but what if I want to buy a ordure sandwich? What

if I want to write my name on the wall with a turd?

Huh!? You stupid little reporter PUNK! Bastard!

I'll Kill you! You BAAAAASSSSTAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!"

SubCommandante Leghorn was subsequently arrested for

attacking six reporters with brass knuckles and

charged with attempted murder. He was later

released on his own recogniscance.

- Value of Salvation futures suffers

The dangerous cult, believed to be very similar to

both the AUM nerve gas cult in Japan and the Church

of Scientology, is famous for it's guarantee of

eternal salvation or triple your money back.

Investors at the Chicago Mercantile exchange are

relatively bullish, however.

"We figure, hell, if theyre right, we get plenty of

seats on the ship, we can pick an choose who gets on

and who doesn't. If they are wrong, the $500,000,000

I have invested in SubGenius salvation futures will

turn into $1.5 Billion, thats a better return rate

than Microsoft."

Nevertheless, futures in the multi-trillion dollar

salvation futures market fell .01% monday night.

- Former Orange County Republican Representative

Robert Dornan supports the cause

Speaking out at a Republican party fundraiser at the

Ronald Reagan Semi-Memorial Law and Order Center in

Anaheim, California

"This discrimination is just another example of the

sort of amoral, satanic degeneration of American family

values that is sucking this country into hell. As a

criminally insane person I know what it is like to

suffer from discrimination, due to my insanity I was

ousted from office, and nobody believes my claims of

election fraud simply because I am a paranoid

schizophrenic."

- Litigants speak frankly of larcenous motivation

A collective member, speaking on a talk radio show

friday night, explained how the suit was thought up:

"We can't hold jobs and they wont let us get SSI, so

we just wanted to sue somebody. The Church has a lot

money and a lot of big enemies who wanted to screw them

over, so we were able to get in the middle of some mind

control cartel rivalries. We originally tried to sue

based on poverty, but our lawyer told us there are no

laws in this country protecting poor people. But when

she was looking over our records and happened to notice

that we had all been driven completely mad by our

poverty and bad morals, we knew we had our angle, so we

found some backers and went for it."

"I mean, we wouldn't mess with them if we werent protected,

that wouldn't be very smart, even for insane people."

- The insanity angle may very well work, however.

Speaking on a condition of anonymity, a justice

department offical said

"This is exactly the kind of warped, backward ass

angle we like to encourage in the name of 'Justice' in

this country, to keep peoples attention away from

real issues, and drive them all crazy."

Copyright AP (Anarchist Press)

Los Angeles, July 21 1996 (K) All Rigths Reversed