Dateline Los Angeles
- Malevolent cult discriminates against paranoid
schizophrenics and the criminally insane
In a press release composed of letters cut out from
various magazines, the fire ant collective announced
Saturday that they are filing a 700 'zillion' dollar
class action suit against a shadowy cult known as
the Church of the SubGenius under the American
- Death threats made against insane po' bucker
Litigants have claimed that death threats were made
against them simply for exhibiting their normal,
dangerously insane behavior.
Two fire ant collective spokeswomen addressed a
group of reporters outside the SubGenius foundation
HQ, in Dallas, Texas.
"Yeah, there's all these mean, vicious Objectivist
types now in the Church. They wear Ayn Rand
armbands, greet each other with what they call the
'Roman' salute, and think psychotics should be
euthanised. They shot my damn dog just because it
had rabies and was wandering around some kindergarten
playground. You know how much bull mastiffs cost?"
"The irony is that the Church of the SubGenius is
actually supposed to be an insane organization, but
in fact the hierarchy is riddled with lucidocentric
"Look, all we're saying is in the 1990's, a lot of
people are insane. Half the country is on Prosac,
random murder is on the rise, and as more insane
people enter the workplace, it is time we recognized
their rights. Were here, were insane, deal with it."
"Basically, we have seen the future, and it's insane."
- Massive protest gets little media coverage
An estimated one hundred and forty thousand lunatics
staged a gigantic protest on the streets of Dallas,
Texas, Sunday, and even this was dwarfed by the stunning
seven hundred million protesters at the Dobbstown
complex in ceour de tenebres, Malaysia. However,
because both protests were staged at four o clock in
the morning, and the demonstrators were completely
silent and tended to avoid each other, most slipping
off to peep into peoples windows and masturbate, the
Press was unaware of the event and coverage was
In fact, evidently due to paranoia, protest organizers
claimed in their press release that the demonstration
was going to take place next week. Nevertheless, all
of the protestors in Malaysia were killed by government
security forces, prompting U.S. State Department officials
to issue a statement condemning genocide and announcing
the immediate sale of 90 F-16 fighters and two Aircraft
Carriers to the Malaysian Government.
The Dallas protest was disbanded by police with three
arrests and six psychiatric hospitilizations. One police
officer was raped by a demonstrater, and was briefly
hospitalised and then released.
- Insane Animal\Abortion Rights group speaks out
A wild eyed, shock haired SubCommandante Foghorn Leghorn
of the Unborn Chicken militia spoke in front of the
Supreme Court, Sunday, in support of the lawsuit. While
gnawing absent mindedly on his favorite electroshock therapy
bicycle grip he described a litany of discriminatory
"At the SubGenius foundation headquarters, there are
ramped entrances for Wheelchair bound 'Bobbies', but
where are the secret entrances for the paranoids?"
"Furthermore, criminally insane cult members within
the hierarchy are not allowed access to either the
chemical or nuclear weapons owned by the cult.
There is a rubber ceiling, and it's just not fair."
"Dont you people see!?"
"There isn't a single rubber lined room in the whole
five hundred floor, six hundred and sixty six million
dollar complex for insane people to relax in. The hat
racks tear the aluminum foil I line my hat with to keep
out the mind control lasers. Snack bars offer low fat
food, but what if I want to buy a ordure sandwich? What
if I want to write my name on the wall with a turd?
Huh!? You stupid little reporter PUNK! Bastard!
I'll Kill you! You BAAAAASSSSTAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!"
SubCommandante Leghorn was subsequently arrested for
attacking six reporters with brass knuckles and
charged with attempted murder. He was later
released on his own recogniscance.
- Value of Salvation futures suffers
The dangerous cult, believed to be very similar to
both the AUM nerve gas cult in Japan and the Church
of Scientology, is famous for it's guarantee of
eternal salvation or triple your money back.
Investors at the Chicago Mercantile exchange are
relatively bullish, however.
"We figure, hell, if theyre right, we get plenty of
seats on the ship, we can pick an choose who gets on
and who doesn't. If they are wrong, the $500,000,000
I have invested in SubGenius salvation futures will
turn into $1.5 Billion, thats a better return rate
Nevertheless, futures in the multi-trillion dollar
salvation futures market fell .01% monday night.
- Former Orange County Republican Representative
Robert Dornan supports the cause
Speaking out at a Republican party fundraiser at the
Ronald Reagan Semi-Memorial Law and Order Center in
"This discrimination is just another example of the
sort of amoral, satanic degeneration of American family
values that is sucking this country into hell. As a
criminally insane person I know what it is like to
suffer from discrimination, due to my insanity I was
ousted from office, and nobody believes my claims of
election fraud simply because I am a paranoid
- Litigants speak frankly of larcenous motivation
A collective member, speaking on a talk radio show
friday night, explained how the suit was thought up:
"We can't hold jobs and they wont let us get SSI, so
we just wanted to sue somebody. The Church has a lot
money and a lot of big enemies who wanted to screw them
over, so we were able to get in the middle of some mind
control cartel rivalries. We originally tried to sue
based on poverty, but our lawyer told us there are no
laws in this country protecting poor people. But when
she was looking over our records and happened to notice
that we had all been driven completely mad by our
poverty and bad morals, we knew we had our angle, so we
found some backers and went for it."
"I mean, we wouldn't mess with them if we werent protected,
that wouldn't be very smart, even for insane people."
- The insanity angle may very well work, however.
Speaking on a condition of anonymity, a justice
department offical said
"This is exactly the kind of warped, backward ass
angle we like to encourage in the name of 'Justice' in
this country, to keep peoples attention away from
real issues, and drive them all crazy."
Copyright AP (Anarchist Press)
Los Angeles, July 21 1996 (K) All Rigths Reversed