Dear Brethren and Sistern,
I come before you today a changed Uberfemme, for I have been to the
Mountain, and I have touched the face of Dobbs (and lived to tell
Yes Yetifolk, I went to Dallas this weekend and she who channels for
"Connie" met He who writes for "Bob." and the doctors say that Stang
will be out of the hospital within a week, bless his festering heart.
It was a beautiful weekend weatherwise with the exception of a
brief period around noon on Friday. The clouds rolled in just after I
got off the phone with Stang. "We're going out of town to my folks,"
he said, sucking me in with this seemingly ordinary statement. "But
why don't you come by for just a short visit anyway?" I protested that
we didn't want to interfere with their plans but he was strangely
insistant. I was soon to discover the reason behind his urgency.
Black clouds filled the sky, the temperature dropped 30 degrees in
half an hour, and lightning peppered the sky. I pulled my jacket
closer and glanced over at The Bearded Guy in concern. Cars were
jackknifing all over the road, and it was only three miles between
where we were staying and Casa de Stang.
We crossed the falls and turned onto his semi-deserted street. The
house loomed and as we stepped from the car, I heard some horrible
creature baying at the elements and shuddered in fear. "What the hell
is going on?" asked TBG. I stole a glance at the house, wondering what
foul plants grew in that garden, what deadly tinctures were made from
those heinous flora. I crossed myself unconsiously and we approached
As I raised my hand to the heavy brass knocker, the door flew open
and Stang grabbed both of us by the collars with unhuman strength and
tossed us inside to the foyer floor. Suddenly above me stood this
monstrous vision of black-brown hair and slavering fangs. His hot
breath scalded my cheek, and his sandpaper tongue tore my clothing to
shreds. It was BEAST. I played dead. He lifted his leg on me and went
over to check out The Bearded Guy.
Stang grabbed my hand and pulled me upright, then tossed me over his
shoulder. He wrapped The Bearded Guy's braid around his hand a couple
of times and dragged him, while he carried me, upstairs. Flight after
flight, then down a long corridor, through a beautifully
counterbalanced vault door, and finally he tossed us both into the
airlock where we were chemically deloused and sanitized. Fortunately,
TBG was unconscious the entire time.
The door on the opposite side of the airlock from our entry, opened
and Stang stood before us...in completely different clothes. He looked
a bit sheepish. "Hey, I'm real sorry 'bout that, but I left the house
on 'Lovecraft' mode last night for the GWAR folks, and forgot all
about it. I hope the Stangbot didn't hurt you too much."
I thought about killing him right then and there, but I knew it
would piss "Connie" off, and Lord knows we can't have that. Frankly, I
don't know what she sees in the guy. Maybe she has a thing for wooden
legs, who the hell knows?
So I smiled and took his hand. I think he thought he had me fooled.
I'm not an actress' daughter for nothing! He helped me to my feet,
brushed the worst of the chemicals off the remains of my clothing and
gently slapped The Bearded Guy on both cheeks until he roused him to
consciousness. I stepped out of the chamber. For a couple of seconds,
I forgot to breathe. It was vast, almost frightening. Carved out of
what must have been sheer mountain face, were endless caverns. Strings
of bare light bulbs trailed off into the bowels of the earth. The
walls were lined with huge cartons, crates, and boxes of various
military equipment, survival supplies, and novelty gags. I saw the
infamous big-eyed Mao, and a lifesized replica of the severed head of
a certain world cup golfer who shall remain unnamed but known to all.
Stang hurried out of the chamber and rushed to a wall, attempting to
distract my attention with a slight of hand trick wherin he made a
small band of pygmy maidens appear to dance the hootchie-cootchie, but
he don't know me very well. I got that sort of thing at my grandma's
tit. I watched them with one eye, and kept the other on Stang.
He opened a small panel using a simple unbinding spell and touched
a button marked "WASP1." Suddenly the walls of the cavern disappeared
and we were in an upstairs "study" filled with tapes, boxes, and
electronic equipment. Stang was sitting at his computer, showing The
Bearded Guy a video of GWAR. I wasn't fooled for a second.
"Hey Stang, your wife's gonna kill us all if we keep you any
longer," I said, edging for the door. He got up from the desk and
rushed toward me. I ducked as he tossed the severed head, and several
small metal "Mavrides" trading cards. Reaching across the desk, I
motioned with my left hand in the area where I hoped the panel
I was lucky. He was dumb enough or so overconfident that he didn't
even bother to cast a 'relocate' spell on the panel. I stabbed blindly
at the buttons, unable to see their labels from my position. The room
changed madly. Suddenly everything had soft edges and the boxes were
stacked impossibly to the sky. Stang had mouse ears and three fingers.
I was in shredded red polka dots and thick red high heels. I slipped
the heels off immediately, and used them to slash my way out the door
past the heards of chubby chirping birds and large pupiled rodents of
all sorts (the chipmunks were the worst...eeewww). Stang came clumping
after me in his big white shoes. He hit the stairs, and that was all
she wrote. Down he went, ass over teakettle; making some terrifically
funny sounds on the way. Of course, by this time, the staircase was
several hundred feet long, so I had plenty of time to enjoy his
descent. I smoked a squirrel and counted the number of bones I heard
I kicked the dead birds and shit out of the way, and went back into
the study. The Bearded Guy was sitting in a big fat chair with eyes,
stretching his dick to impossible lengths and letting it snap back
with a "sproooiiiingg!" I looked at the control panel. I pressed the
unmarked button. The house changed into a nice upper middle class
residence. Stang was lying at the bottom of the stairs holding his
shin and crying like a woman. Someone Else looked up at me, and
remarked, "He fell down the stairs again...damned Dobbs and his
experiments anyway...the dizziness, the brittle bones, the memory
loss..is it all worth it?" I looked down at her in sorrow. The poor
woman didn't know....or she was one hell of an actress. I caught
Stang's eye, and for a second, it turned bright yellow, and I could
almost see into the depths of hell itself. Then he smiled, his eye
turned back to brown, and he said, "Hey, thanks for dropping by, we'll
have to do this again sometime!"
We got the hell out of there as fast as we could run!
Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually
Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.
Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.
Let me preface this by saying that a few