whew, They're gone... for a minute, anyway. (Hell, for all we know
that could have been one of US in disguise!) But it won't be long before
the next one comes along.
You may have to look normal... even act normal. But don't be normal!
Don't backslide! "Bob" Dobbs could be back at any moment! On that day of
reckoning, you don't want to find out you drifted over to the wrong side of
the battle line without even knowing it!!!
BIZARRE TRADE IN HUMAN BEINGS!
You may be suffering under many potentially dangerous misconceptions about
The Church of the SubGenius. This isn't some small-time mail-order comedy
publisher working on a miniscule budget out of an anonymous garret, but a
powerful conglomerate of talented, wealthy professional abnormals with
state-of-the-art equipment, living it up in a downtown Dallas skyscraper.
And that's only The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. Our publications are merely
the TIP of a ROGUE ICEBERG of real-world activism by thousands of
uncontrollable "Zombies for "Bob". It's way too late for us to stop them
now... The World SubGenius Church relentlessly replicates itself in
loathsome tenements, in basements and attics, in mansions and igloos,
everywhere, but grows like a cancer best right in the wholesome
breadbasket of America. Packs of untamed SubGenii run amok in sick "Gut
Blowout" party/rituals; "Bob" rises leering over a lurid post-1984
landscape like a transcendent, mutated Alfred E. Newman, the "New Man," his
Face stencilled on overpasses, the nameless cry of the rebel forces --
"SLACK!" -- scrawled across abandoned 7-11s...
Finally the masses will learn what they need.
At this writing there are many thousands of $30 ordained, subscribing
ministers of the church, and easily ten times that many less affluent but
still valiant Warrior-Brainwashers for "Bob." Weekly SubGenius radio
ministries infect many cities, and the Media Barrage Tapes are heard on
hundreds of independent and pirate stations around the world.
There are legal SubGenius marriages (which you can perform once
Ordained!), be-ins, burials; hundreds of schizms, spin-offs, covens and
the like blighting the good name of the Orthodox Father Church; an
infinite number of assinine teenaged "Bobbies" making us look stupid; and
Conspiracy manufacturers illegally selling bootlegged "Bob" T-shirts and
buttons. We've held successful (and lucrative!) revivals at the hepper
nightclubs, "dives," junkyards and art museums around the country, some of
which have erupted into near-riots of hilarioreligious ecstacy;
Church-affiliated bands carry the message to the lost souls of the younger
generation -- someday, "DRS. FOR 'BOB'" will be bigger than the Beatles.
Many yearly conventions and secret Conclaves of The Elect have been
perpetrated (and documented by numberless uncomprehending media parasites);
McGraw-Hill published (then suppressed!) our huge "HORROR BIBLE," THE BOOK
OF THE SUBGENIUS; we have been investigated by The Secret Service, the
Dept. of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the FBI and the CIA, and probably
the Men In Black (FUCK YOU, ALIEN SHIT-MONKEYS!).
There are many specialty Clenches and offshoots: gay, Black, even feminist
and Christian! The Clergy includes many famous rock stars, artists,
outlaws, freaks of nature, plus untold thousands of obscure burn-outs, old
folks, street bums, prisoners, nobodies, and "NICE FAMILIES".
This is the World's First Industrial Church: NOT TAX EMEMPT -- because
"Bob" is a patriot, and doesn't believe that taxpayers should have to
subsidize religions they might not happen to believe in.
There are ENTIRE BUSINESSES devoted to Dobbs, bars and children named
after him, jobs quit for him; his face is tatooed on the butts of hookers
and the puds of bikers; tiny ads for the Church are stuck to bar restroom
mirrors and bus station phone booths everywhere... hints of Dobbs have
shown up airburshed into album covers, on MTV, on Saturday Night Live
(though not on David Letterman, who seems to fear "Bob"). Members have
formed great business and 'adult' networks, and are privileged to unusual
and suppressed information and products listed in the Church Journal, THE
STARK FIST OF REMOVAL. The mail that the Church recieves is indescribable.
Countless are the witnessings for Dobbs' supernatural Slack Magic; "Bob"
does indeed SAVE the MUTANTS!
To some minds afraid to accept the truth, the Church is merely the biggest
collective art project, or put-on, since the Pyramids. Others hate us,
fear us, call us the "Mockers that shall come in the End Times." If we are
those Mockers, then they should THANK US for helping to FULFILL BIBLICAL
PROPHECY. The Church has given a lot of jerks an excuse to be even more
obnoxious; but it has also given many CRUCIAL INDIVIDUALS the excuse to
If the Church is just a big game, it's a game that has crossed over the
border of imagination and become, perhaps, all too real... HELL, FOR ALL
WE KNOW, THIS MAY BE THE MONSTROUS ONE-WORLD RELIGION PROPHESIED IN THE
BIBLE!!! And, in fact, if The Conspiracy were ever to take it over, it
COULD HAPPEN! The time will come when the TRUE Church will once again have
to disappear and change disguises, because it must always crop up where
they least expect it...
Like YOU, the Church is a chameleon -- it will disguise itself as ANYTHING
in order to survive, fuck, and propagate more little Churches. Yes, of
course that means this Church is built on a great sandy beach of hypocrisy,
changing with each wave that comes in... but where would any religion be,
without its fair measure of hypocrisy??
The Conspiracy calls it "humor" because no one can take the full truth.
If this Church is a joke, it is the JOKE you can BELIEVE IN. And if it
is merely a FAD, merely the "latest thing," then it is the ONLY "latest
thing" that lasts FOREVER.
The Church IS a MYSTERY -- here to remind some that the mysteries still
exist, and to remind others that they are wrong to think they can
understand the mysteries. BE DAMNED GLAD YOU CAN'T!!
Laughter and pain are two sides of the same big stick. Some people can be
saved from pure paralyzing horror by being gradually lured, through
propaganda disguised as entertainment, to the realization that it isn't
their fault: that there really is a Conspiracy. Everyone is intrigued by
SCARY SHIT, and those feelings, those yearnings/repulsions are tied to
religious feelings of Something Bigger running or not running things,
depending on how bad your mood is... we honestly don't want you jumping for
the most obvious Something Bigger that comes along because there ARE some
Things Bigger, and some of them are BAD NEWS FOR MORTALS.
Why do we do this? Not for 'art'... certainly not out of any sense of duty
to mankind... we do it for the money! ...and for THE SLACK, OF COURSE! And
so, whatever it takes to bear "Bob's" word of Slack to the Slackless, let
us do it. No matter how much money must be lost or blood spilled in our
noble quest for greatness, no matter how stupid we must look, or even be,
WE MUST CONTINUE. For our holy war, our jihad, is for the glory, not of
ourselves, NAY, but of That Man "Bob:" that great Fingerhead of Knowledge
who leads us, beckoning, winking, grinning, ever onward... to a future we
cannot know. Ahhh, YES!! SMELL THAT CHURCH AIR!! This is a wonderful life
we've been born into, an action-packed century! We'll live to see The End
of the World! -- and then some.
So -- send in that $30 -- get your ordainment papers and big stack of STARK
FIST magazines ... smoke a Fropstick, jack up your footgland, lean back and
ENJOY! Because even as you read this now, atoms in your mind are being
rearranged... for better or for worse, for good or evil, these we cannot
say; these are value judgements peculiar only to this pathetic race of
bipeds. There ARE others, however. The Dobbsdrome signal, even on these
very pages, IS LOCKED NOW ONTO YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL -- AND YOU ARE HENCEFORTH
UNDER THE PROTECTION/ SUPERVISION OF THE DOBBS. This may be why you
suddenly feel 'different.' You have taken your first step towards your
Eternal Salvation or TRIPLE Your Money Back part 3
NOTE TO TRUE SUBGENII:
DO NOT SHOW THIS MATERIAL TO FULLBLOOD HUMANS. The humiliation of
finding out the truth would be too much for their PATHETIC HUMAN MINDS. Or,
even worse, they may believe they are SubGeniuses!!
NOTE TO HUMANS:
Why are you even bothering to read this? You don't "get" it... it seems
obnoxious to you... you think it's "stupid"... because, although we
understand how you think ALL TOO WELL, you can't for the life of you
understand how we think. WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU, ASSHOLE??
NOTE TO LOVING CHRISTIANS WHO WANT TO KILL US:
Look, we're for peaceful co-existence. We're not really that far
apart. You worship the Vindictive Crybaby SchoolMarm Jesus -- many Subs
worship the Live-It-Up, Hell-Raisin', FIGHTIN' JESUS. You worship a dead
guy on a stick, we worship a chopped-off head that gets hit with a stick.
Isn't there some common ground? ( The Founder of Christianity wasn't as
squeamish as his modern fan club. He was compassionate towards the
weirdos, sinners and victims of his day, and he was also PISSED at the
NORMALS of his day. And, like "Bob," he didn't want to KILL them, but
merely to LEAD them, as a shepherd leads his flock. Keeping them happy
until the slaughter. The Harvest....ahhh, yes... THE HARVEST!!)
NOTE TO ALL WHO WOULD DENY THE TRUTH OF "BOB" DOBBS:
There is nothing lower than a debunker. The debunker is the most
despicable parasite in Creation -- worse even than the Critic. DEATH to
ESP debunkers! DEATH to UFO debunkers! DEATH to WRESTLING debunkers!!!
DEATH TO ALL SUBGENIUS DEBUNKERS!!!! "WE WILL BURY YOU IN "DE BUNKERS!!"
The SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, Texas 75214-0306
General Headquarters of
THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
The "Practical Joke" That WE Don't Stick Around For!
The SubGenius Foundation and the Church of the SubGenius at large is NOT
ASSOCIATED WITH nor UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ANY "NEW AGE" GROUP, UFO GROUPS
or ENTITIES, DISCARNATE BEINGS, any secret agency of the U.S. Government,
any foreign government, the O.T.O., or any Crowley or Blavatsky or Bailey
or Masonic or Cabalistic or other group, The Devil, demons, aliens, The
Conspiracy,or any other forces of evil; nor are we allied with any
Communist or Leftist or Right Wing or ANY OTHER political school; We are
not connected with any occult, pagan, Christian, or other groups except in
the preferences of individual members; we do not trade mailing lists with
any OTHER Mind Control Cults such as Scientology, MTV or even the
Discordians. We hereby certify that this material is made entirely on
Earth, by ordinary mortal Earth creatures, without the help of any secret
rich patron OR SUPERNATURAL BEING besides J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, who is not
supernatural at all but the most natural thing in the world; we have no
truck with any evil forces, unless typical human folly is to be
considered "evil." We do not; "Bob" forgives and in some ways REPRESENTS
human folly at its very best. Thus the word, "SubGenius."
Copyright 1997 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack