whew, They're gone... for a minute, anyway. (Hell, for all we know

that could have been one of US in disguise!) But it won't be long before

the next one comes along.

 

You may have to look normal... even act normal. But don't be normal!

Don't backslide! "Bob" Dobbs could be back at any moment! On that day of

reckoning, you don't want to find out you drifted over to the wrong side of

the battle line without even knowing it!!!

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRE TRADE IN HUMAN BEINGS!

 

You may be suffering under many potentially dangerous misconceptions about

The Church of the SubGenius. This isn't some small-time mail-order comedy

publisher working on a miniscule budget out of an anonymous garret, but a

powerful conglomerate of talented, wealthy professional abnormals with

state-of-the-art equipment, living it up in a downtown Dallas skyscraper.

 

And that's only The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. Our publications are merely

the TIP of a ROGUE ICEBERG of real-world activism by thousands of

uncontrollable "Zombies for "Bob". It's way too late for us to stop them

now... The World SubGenius Church relentlessly replicates itself in

loathsome tenements, in basements and attics, in mansions and igloos,

everywhere, but grows like a cancer best right in the wholesome

breadbasket of America. Packs of untamed SubGenii run amok in sick "Gut

Blowout" party/rituals; "Bob" rises leering over a lurid post-1984

landscape like a transcendent, mutated Alfred E. Newman, the "New Man," his

Face stencilled on overpasses, the nameless cry of the rebel forces --

"SLACK!" -- scrawled across abandoned 7-11s...

 

Finally the masses will learn what they need.

 

At this writing there are many thousands of $30 ordained, subscribing

ministers of the church, and easily ten times that many less affluent but

still valiant Warrior-Brainwashers for "Bob." Weekly SubGenius radio

ministries infect many cities, and the Media Barrage Tapes are heard on

hundreds of independent and pirate stations around the world.

 

There are legal SubGenius marriages (which you can perform once

Ordained!), be-ins, burials; hundreds of schizms, spin-offs, covens and

the like blighting the good name of the Orthodox Father Church; an

infinite number of assinine teenaged "Bobbies" making us look stupid; and

Conspiracy manufacturers illegally selling bootlegged "Bob" T-shirts and

buttons. We've held successful (and lucrative!) revivals at the hepper

nightclubs, "dives," junkyards and art museums around the country, some of

which have erupted into near-riots of hilarioreligious ecstacy;

Church-affiliated bands carry the message to the lost souls of the younger

generation -- someday, "DRS. FOR 'BOB'" will be bigger than the Beatles.

Many yearly conventions and secret Conclaves of The Elect have been

perpetrated (and documented by numberless uncomprehending media parasites);

McGraw-Hill published (then suppressed!) our huge "HORROR BIBLE," THE BOOK

OF THE SUBGENIUS; we have been investigated by The Secret Service, the

Dept. of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the FBI and the CIA, and probably

the Men In Black (FUCK YOU, ALIEN SHIT-MONKEYS!).

 

 

 

There are many specialty Clenches and offshoots: gay, Black, even feminist

and Christian! The Clergy includes many famous rock stars, artists,

outlaws, freaks of nature, plus untold thousands of obscure burn-outs, old

folks, street bums, prisoners, nobodies, and "NICE FAMILIES".

 

This is the World's First Industrial Church: NOT TAX EMEMPT -- because

"Bob" is a patriot, and doesn't believe that taxpayers should have to

subsidize religions they might not happen to believe in.

 

There are ENTIRE BUSINESSES devoted to Dobbs, bars and children named

after him, jobs quit for him; his face is tatooed on the butts of hookers

and the puds of bikers; tiny ads for the Church are stuck to bar restroom

mirrors and bus station phone booths everywhere... hints of Dobbs have

shown up airburshed into album covers, on MTV, on Saturday Night Live

(though not on David Letterman, who seems to fear "Bob"). Members have

formed great business and 'adult' networks, and are privileged to unusual

and suppressed information and products listed in the Church Journal, THE

STARK FIST OF REMOVAL. The mail that the Church recieves is indescribable.

Countless are the witnessings for Dobbs' supernatural Slack Magic; "Bob"

does indeed SAVE the MUTANTS!

 

To some minds afraid to accept the truth, the Church is merely the biggest

collective art project, or put-on, since the Pyramids. Others hate us,

fear us, call us the "Mockers that shall come in the End Times." If we are

those Mockers, then they should THANK US for helping to FULFILL BIBLICAL

PROPHECY. The Church has given a lot of jerks an excuse to be even more

obnoxious; but it has also given many CRUCIAL INDIVIDUALS the excuse to

KEEP LIVING.

 

If the Church is just a big game, it's a game that has crossed over the

border of imagination and become, perhaps, all too real... HELL, FOR ALL

WE KNOW, THIS MAY BE THE MONSTROUS ONE-WORLD RELIGION PROPHESIED IN THE

BIBLE!!! And, in fact, if The Conspiracy were ever to take it over, it

COULD HAPPEN! The time will come when the TRUE Church will once again have

to disappear and change disguises, because it must always crop up where

they least expect it...

 

Like YOU, the Church is a chameleon -- it will disguise itself as ANYTHING

in order to survive, fuck, and propagate more little Churches. Yes, of

course that means this Church is built on a great sandy beach of hypocrisy,

changing with each wave that comes in... but where would any religion be,

without its fair measure of hypocrisy??

 

The Conspiracy calls it "humor" because no one can take the full truth.

If this Church is a joke, it is the JOKE you can BELIEVE IN. And if it

is merely a FAD, merely the "latest thing," then it is the ONLY "latest

thing" that lasts FOREVER.

 

The Church IS a MYSTERY -- here to remind some that the mysteries still

exist, and to remind others that they are wrong to think they can

understand the mysteries. BE DAMNED GLAD YOU CAN'T!!

 

Laughter and pain are two sides of the same big stick. Some people can be

saved from pure paralyzing horror by being gradually lured, through

propaganda disguised as entertainment, to the realization that it isn't

their fault: that there really is a Conspiracy. Everyone is intrigued by

SCARY SHIT, and those feelings, those yearnings/repulsions are tied to

religious feelings of Something Bigger running or not running things,

depending on how bad your mood is... we honestly don't want you jumping for

the most obvious Something Bigger that comes along because there ARE some

Things Bigger, and some of them are BAD NEWS FOR MORTALS.

 

Why do we do this? Not for 'art'... certainly not out of any sense of duty

to mankind... we do it for the money! ...and for THE SLACK, OF COURSE! And

so, whatever it takes to bear "Bob's" word of Slack to the Slackless, let

us do it. No matter how much money must be lost or blood spilled in our

noble quest for greatness, no matter how stupid we must look, or even be,

WE MUST CONTINUE. For our holy war, our jihad, is for the glory, not of

ourselves, NAY, but of That Man "Bob:" that great Fingerhead of Knowledge

who leads us, beckoning, winking, grinning, ever onward... to a future we

cannot know. Ahhh, YES!! SMELL THAT CHURCH AIR!! This is a wonderful life

we've been born into, an action-packed century! We'll live to see The End

of the World! -- and then some.

 

So -- send in that $30 -- get your ordainment papers and big stack of STARK

FIST magazines ... smoke a Fropstick, jack up your footgland, lean back and

ENJOY! Because even as you read this now, atoms in your mind are being

rearranged... for better or for worse, for good or evil, these we cannot

say; these are value judgements peculiar only to this pathetic race of

bipeds. There ARE others, however. The Dobbsdrome signal, even on these

very pages, IS LOCKED NOW ONTO YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL -- AND YOU ARE HENCEFORTH

UNDER THE PROTECTION/ SUPERVISION OF THE DOBBS. This may be why you

suddenly feel 'different.' You have taken your first step towards your

Destiny.

 

 

 

Eternal Salvation or TRIPLE Your Money Back part 3

 

 

 

NOTE TO TRUE SUBGENII:

 

DO NOT SHOW THIS MATERIAL TO FULLBLOOD HUMANS. The humiliation of

finding out the truth would be too much for their PATHETIC HUMAN MINDS. Or,

even worse, they may believe they are SubGeniuses!!

 

 

 

NOTE TO HUMANS:

 

Why are you even bothering to read this? You don't "get" it... it seems

obnoxious to you... you think it's "stupid"... because, although we

understand how you think ALL TOO WELL, you can't for the life of you

understand how we think. WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU, ASSHOLE??

 

 

 

NOTE TO LOVING CHRISTIANS WHO WANT TO KILL US:

 

Look, we're for peaceful co-existence. We're not really that far

apart. You worship the Vindictive Crybaby SchoolMarm Jesus -- many Subs

worship the Live-It-Up, Hell-Raisin', FIGHTIN' JESUS. You worship a dead

guy on a stick, we worship a chopped-off head that gets hit with a stick.

Isn't there some common ground? ( The Founder of Christianity wasn't as

squeamish as his modern fan club. He was compassionate towards the

weirdos, sinners and victims of his day, and he was also PISSED at the

NORMALS of his day. And, like "Bob," he didn't want to KILL them, but

merely to LEAD them, as a shepherd leads his flock. Keeping them happy

until the slaughter. The Harvest....ahhh, yes... THE HARVEST!!)

 

 

 

NOTE TO ALL WHO WOULD DENY THE TRUTH OF "BOB" DOBBS:

 

There is nothing lower than a debunker. The debunker is the most

despicable parasite in Creation -- worse even than the Critic. DEATH to

ESP debunkers! DEATH to UFO debunkers! DEATH to WRESTLING debunkers!!!

DEATH TO ALL SUBGENIUS DEBUNKERS!!!! "WE WILL BURY YOU IN "DE BUNKERS!!"

 

 

 

 

 

The SubGenius Foundation

 

P.O. Box 140306

 

Dallas, Texas 75214-0306

 

slack@subgenius.com

 

http://www.subgenius.com

 

 

General Headquarters of

 

THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS

 

The "Practical Joke" That WE Don't Stick Around For!

 

 

 

 

The SubGenius Foundation and the Church of the SubGenius at large is NOT

ASSOCIATED WITH nor UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ANY "NEW AGE" GROUP, UFO GROUPS

or ENTITIES, DISCARNATE BEINGS, any secret agency of the U.S. Government,

any foreign government, the O.T.O., or any Crowley or Blavatsky or Bailey

or Masonic or Cabalistic or other group, The Devil, demons, aliens, The

Conspiracy,or any other forces of evil; nor are we allied with any

Communist or Leftist or Right Wing or ANY OTHER political school; We are

not connected with any occult, pagan, Christian, or other groups except in

the preferences of individual members; we do not trade mailing lists with

any OTHER Mind Control Cults such as Scientology, MTV or even the

Discordians. We hereby certify that this material is made entirely on

Earth, by ordinary mortal Earth creatures, without the help of any secret

rich patron OR SUPERNATURAL BEING besides J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, who is not

supernatural at all but the most natural thing in the world; we have no

truck with any evil forces, unless typical human folly is to be

considered "evil." We do not; "Bob" forgives and in some ways REPRESENTS

human folly at its very best. Thus the word, "SubGenius."

 

--

Copyright 1997 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian

MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the

Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.

PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB

http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack