In the spirit of Yetihood, I offer these humble suggestions for
getting through your daily trials and finding the Slack therein.
Additions by other thoughtful and devoted SubGenii are joyfully
encouraged. Ai Ai Ai Ai eeeee!
FINDING SLACK AT WORK:
With the proper timing, one can "crop dust" an unpleasant fellow
employee. It is extremely tricky but HIGHLY Slackful to actually
pyroflatulate at the same time.
Smoke in the elevators when you're alone. The next uptight asshole who
gets on, will spend the rest of the day fuming over your impudence.
Send all your memos on accordian folded paperdolls.
Have the entire staff dress as Marilyn Monroe just for a day. Get
everyone a nametag that says "Marilyn" or "NormaJean".
Tell everyone you're saving pennies for some child or another. Every
day after lunch, collect pennies. Use the pennies to buy something
from the SubGenius Foundation every month.
Play the "Hour of Slack" over the public address/muzak system.
Instead of donuts...bring in Alice B. Toklas Brownies.
Tell everyone that your doctor has forbidden you to comb your hair or
shave for a week. Bring a note.
Take a meeting on the toilet...just like LBJ!
Have a friend wheel you into the office on a dolley. Wear a
straightjacket and hockey mask. Ask if anyone wants to go to lunch.
FINDING SLACK AT SOCIAL EVENTS:
Remind the bride/groom about the "traditional wedding fuck"
Bring a toy doll which will cry...start it during the ceremony. When
people start giving you ugly looks...choke it to death, and innocently
smile back at them.
Wear a nun's habit; mutter loudly and frequently "Why's he marrying
HER when I'M the one carrying his child?"
Whoopee cushions on all the head table chairs.
Tapdancing on ANYONE'S grave is very slackful.
Start a game of strip poker at the post burial gathering.
Those little cylinders that "Mooo" or "Baaaa" are especially helpful
when you wish to punctuate a portion of the eulogy and are just too
choked up to shout "Amen!"
Order a pizza to be delivered during the service. Make a big deal
about tipping the delivery boy.
Wear a clown suit. Tell everyone that the deceased ASKED you to...just
before he died.
Don't go to funerals....have sex instead and be glad you're alive.
FINDING EVERYDAY SLACK
Smile and wave at people in cars next to you at stoplights. Act like
you know them. Grin like an idiot. See how many you can get to smile
back at you.
Carry colored chalk with you everywhere. Leave little messages on the
Visit a home for the elderly. Pass out condoms.
If you go to a restaurant alone, pretend to have an imaginary friend.
Order something to share, and insist that the waitress bring an extra
place setting for your friend. (This is actually an excellent way to
troll for Latent Uberfemmes. Those who are not frightened by invisible
friends are probably mentally flexible.) When I was really young and
just starting to wait tables there used to be this guy who came into
the "Bob's" Big Boy, where I first worked. He always had breakfast
with his "friend". I was the only waitress he ever tipped, because I
was the only one who brought an extra cup of coffee for his pal.
While waiting in lines...SING! TV theme shows can usually get the
entire crowd involved if you do it right. When they're all
singing...shut up, watch, and enjoy.
Send a passionate love letter to your local priest.
Teach your pets to fly. They may never learn, but it's fun to watch
them flap their paws really fast.
Don't get mad...get even.
Wear your hair in lots of tiny braids with plastic bow clips on the
ends. Tell people you're trying to get in touch with your African
heritage. If you're a member of a distinctive ethnic group, dress in
polyester and stick a corncob up your ass. Tell people you're trying
to get in touch with your Anglo heritage.
Invite all your in-laws for dinner. Answer the door in your pajamas,
(buy some if you have to). Serve pancakes. You won't have to worry
about hosting the fam' for quite some time after that.
Give flowers to a stranger.
Make clothing for your pets. My daschund has a ballet tutu that never
fails to cheer me up...especially when he drags his ass across the
carpet and all the ruffles bounce.
Emptying a full M-16 clip into an old refridgerator seems to relieve
Don't kiss anyone with Ebola.
Dance naked in the rain.
Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually
Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.
Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.