In the spirit of Yetihood, I offer these humble suggestions for

getting through your daily trials and finding the Slack therein.

Additions by other thoughtful and devoted SubGenii are joyfully

encouraged. Ai Ai Ai Ai eeeee!

 

FINDING SLACK AT WORK:

 

With the proper timing, one can "crop dust" an unpleasant fellow

employee. It is extremely tricky but HIGHLY Slackful to actually

pyroflatulate at the same time.

 

Smoke in the elevators when you're alone. The next uptight asshole who

gets on, will spend the rest of the day fuming over your impudence.

 

Send all your memos on accordian folded paperdolls.

 

Have the entire staff dress as Marilyn Monroe just for a day. Get

everyone a nametag that says "Marilyn" or "NormaJean".

 

Tell everyone you're saving pennies for some child or another. Every

day after lunch, collect pennies. Use the pennies to buy something

from the SubGenius Foundation every month.

 

Play the "Hour of Slack" over the public address/muzak system.

 

Instead of donuts...bring in Alice B. Toklas Brownies.

 

Tell everyone that your doctor has forbidden you to comb your hair or

shave for a week. Bring a note.

 

Take a meeting on the toilet...just like LBJ!

 

Have a friend wheel you into the office on a dolley. Wear a

straightjacket and hockey mask. Ask if anyone wants to go to lunch.

 

FINDING SLACK AT SOCIAL EVENTS:

 

Weddings:

 

Remind the bride/groom about the "traditional wedding fuck"

 

Bring a toy doll which will cry...start it during the ceremony. When

people start giving you ugly looks...choke it to death, and innocently

smile back at them.

 

Wear a nun's habit; mutter loudly and frequently "Why's he marrying

HER when I'M the one carrying his child?"

 

Whoopee cushions on all the head table chairs.

 

 

Funerals:

 

Tapdancing on ANYONE'S grave is very slackful.

 

Start a game of strip poker at the post burial gathering.

 

Those little cylinders that "Mooo" or "Baaaa" are especially helpful

when you wish to punctuate a portion of the eulogy and are just too

choked up to shout "Amen!"

 

Order a pizza to be delivered during the service. Make a big deal

about tipping the delivery boy.

 

Wear a clown suit. Tell everyone that the deceased ASKED you to...just

before he died.

 

Don't go to funerals....have sex instead and be glad you're alive.

 

 

FINDING EVERYDAY SLACK

 

Smile and wave at people in cars next to you at stoplights. Act like

you know them. Grin like an idiot. See how many you can get to smile

back at you.

 

Carry colored chalk with you everywhere. Leave little messages on the

sidewalks.

 

Visit a home for the elderly. Pass out condoms.

 

If you go to a restaurant alone, pretend to have an imaginary friend.

Order something to share, and insist that the waitress bring an extra

place setting for your friend. (This is actually an excellent way to

troll for Latent Uberfemmes. Those who are not frightened by invisible

friends are probably mentally flexible.) When I was really young and

just starting to wait tables there used to be this guy who came into

the "Bob's" Big Boy, where I first worked. He always had breakfast

with his "friend". I was the only waitress he ever tipped, because I

was the only one who brought an extra cup of coffee for his pal.

 

While waiting in lines...SING! TV theme shows can usually get the

entire crowd involved if you do it right. When they're all

singing...shut up, watch, and enjoy.

 

Send a passionate love letter to your local priest.

 

Teach your pets to fly. They may never learn, but it's fun to watch

them flap their paws really fast.

 

Don't get mad...get even.

 

Wear your hair in lots of tiny braids with plastic bow clips on the

ends. Tell people you're trying to get in touch with your African

heritage. If you're a member of a distinctive ethnic group, dress in

polyester and stick a corncob up your ass. Tell people you're trying

to get in touch with your Anglo heritage.

 

Invite all your in-laws for dinner. Answer the door in your pajamas,

(buy some if you have to). Serve pancakes. You won't have to worry

about hosting the fam' for quite some time after that.

 

Give flowers to a stranger.

 

Make clothing for your pets. My daschund has a ballet tutu that never

fails to cheer me up...especially when he drags his ass across the

carpet and all the ruffles bounce.

 

Emptying a full M-16 clip into an old refridgerator seems to relieve

tension.

 

Don't kiss anyone with Ebola.

 

Dance naked in the rain.

 

 

***

Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.