Answers I've Written

Animal Employment Home shopping Robin hood
Aunt Ruth and Uncle Edgar In state Scarecrow
Bill Gates Job Offer Sock Puppet Wrestling
Cereal Killers The List The duel
C++ Mobius Strips .The Spiders
Da da da Middle Earth's Greatest Hits Tounge twister
Dellilah Null question Tumour
DIE OSes What is the Answer?
Drugs Ow Why not?
ECT Panel Why
Free Verse Password Word broth
Get Rich

Animal Employment

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Most Fine Oracle, I will sit by my screen eagerly awaiting your answer
> to my question with a song in my heart and a cup of strong black coffee
> in my hand;
> > Dogs can be trained to respond to an ultrasonic whistle which emits
> sounds they can hear, but not humans. Do any other pets have abilities
> to detect other forms of sensory input beyond the ranges of humans that
> we could use to train them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

There are many good uses to which many household pets are put to.
Here are some examples.

The cat. The cat's sharp claws, and penchant to continually keep
them sharp has opened the whole field of document shredding to them,
and because their reading comprehension scores continue to rank very low,
you do not have to worry about them reading your private documents before
they destroy them, thereby saving you possible future blackmail payments.
Cats are also being employed as smoke detectors. Their keen sense of
smell allows them to smell smoke almost before the fire they had set breaks
out, allowing the cat plenty of time to escape, and, if it so wishes, to
wake the owner of the dwelling.

The parakeet. The parakeet is no longer the laughingstock of the whole bird
order. No, ever since science have found out about their sharp wit, and
brilliant strategic mind, these birds have been running the worlds armies.
There is no need to worry about them taking over, however, They still can't
get the box of birdseed open themselves.

The Siamese fighting fish. Despite the name, these fish are no longer thought
of as, milligram per milligram, the fiercest creatures on the planet. No, when
we realized that they can detect blood in water at .05 PPM, we started to employ
them as diver rescuers. Currently there is only one drawback: The divers can
only need rescuing in fish tanks or in one particular steam in Thailand.

You owe the Oracle a use for this *&(^$%! fruit fly buzzing around me.

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Aunt Ruth and Uncle Edgar

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, who's phlegm is the nectar of the gods, could you, kind sir, tell me
> of Lisa's Uncle Edgar, "a man who keeps an open mouth^W mind on every
> subject will commence his orations only once it is assured that everyone's
> attention is directed elsewhere," and why he fidgets so, and of Aunt Ruth
> and her cooking abilities?
 

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

First, it is only by the loosest possible definition of the word, that you
can call what Ruthie does cooking.  I prefer the term, "Culinary Terrorism."

For Christmas, Ruthie served what can best be described as a baked cinder
block.  She assured us all that it was a ham... once.  I have seen people
break teeth on her "pudding".  You should only visit her if you are a
relative, or you are seriously into self mutilation.

And the less said about, or by, Uncle Edgar, the better.

You owe The Oracle some new fillings.

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Bill Gates

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> How many gates would bill gates bill if bill gates could bill gates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Ah, but Bill Gates can bill gates, and gates Bill Gates bills. But Bill
Gates doesn't just bill gates, Bill Gates has been known to fill grates, spill
freights, thrill dates, mill weights, gill fates, twill spates, chill mates,
will hates, and kill baits. All for still rates. That's why Bill Gates rates.

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Cereal Killers

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please tell me oh wise one *grovel grovel*
>
> The reason that serial killers become serial killers...
>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

For the answer to this question, we'll speak with convicted cereal killer,
Ned Bundy. Ned, Why did you become a cereal killer?

Well, Orrie, I was in the breakfast aisle at Food Lion, when the screaming
children and the loud colored boxes got to me. I just snapped.

Who did you first go after?

Well my father told me to start small, so I went after the minor characters
first. You know, King Vitamin, the no name animals on store brands, that
sort of thing.

You finally broke into the big time when you...

That's right, I bagged Tony Jr. That's why Snap, Crackle, and Pop had to
start doing the promos for the Frosted Rice Crispies.

What was your hardest kill?

Boo Berry. The sucker's a ghost, so he keeps coming back. Irritating
little snot.

You've had a fascinating career. Tell us how it got cut short.

I was caught hiding in Cap'n Crunch's bushes. The sucker's up to his
eyeball's in security now. There's no touching him.

Well, Ned, thank you for your time.

Thank you, Orrie.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ned Bundy.
 

You owe the Oracle Frankenberry's whereabouts.

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C++

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How to use Oracle Objects for OLE with Borland C++ 4.5?
> Please send some simple examples in BC++4.5.
> My E-mail:xxxx@senna.std.lt
[E-mail changed to protech the innocent - Ed.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

1. Oracle Objects for Ole' has been discontinued. I stopped bull fighting
years ago.
2. If you want a C++ you'll have to score better than 4.5.

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Da da da

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I've got a song stuck in my head. And it's really annoying me that I
> can't remember who the singer is or what the song is called! Can you
> help me? It goes like this:
>
> Da da da DA da, da BEEDEEDOO ba BUM! Da da da, da da da da-da-da-da DUM!
> BUM! Ba-da-da-da-da-da DUM!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Now available from Oracle records, the Best of "Mumbles" Murphy. You'll
hear all your old favorites, like:
Da da da DA da

and:

Ba da bop ba

and who could forget:

Ooh mah mah

Yes, Oracle Records has collected the greatest hits of that musical genius.

Remember:

La da da laa la la la

or

Ba da da da BA da

and of course that romantic classic:

Oh da da da da da da Ba da

Yes, Mumbles Murphy. Everybody's favorite singer. Order yours today.

onlynineteenninetyfiveforCDsseventeennintyfiveforcassettwhatyouwant
anLPaneyouinsanenoonelistenstoLPsanymoreSendmoneyorderor
creditcardtoOracleRecordsBloomingtonIndiana47408OracleRecordsnot
responsibleforlostcreditcardsorincidentalchargesthereonOracleRecords
notresponsibleforhearinglossorbriandamageresultingformlisteningtothis
crapwereselling.

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Dellilah

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why, why, why Delilah?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Look, Sampson, if you wanted a good haircut, you shouldn't have gone
to the barber college.
 

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DIE

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, most wise Oracle, who has no unresolved issues,
>
> DIEDIE      DIEDIEDIE   DIEDIEDIE   DIE   DIE   DIE
> DIE   DIE      DIE      DIE         DIE   DIE   DIE
> DIE   DIE      DIE      DIEDIE      DIE   DIE   DIE
> DIE   DIE      DIE      DIE
> DIEDIE      DIEDIEDIE   DIEDIEDIE   DIE   DIE   DIE
 

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

No unresolved issues?  Are you nuts?  Do you think the custard issue has
passed?  No way!

As to your request that I should die, my dear lad, that is impossible.
Olympians cannot die.  That was fimly decided by the counsel.  I remember
there was a huge debate...

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((wavylinesindicatingflashback((((((((((((((((((((
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Zeus:  No dying, and that's final.

Nigel (the oft forgotten god of assholes): What are you scared, then?  Is
that it.   "Mr Big Zeus is scared he might get hurt and die.  Oh boo hoo
hoo.  Look at me, I can weild lightning olts, but don't let them too near
me.  I might get hurt.  Oh boo hoo hoo."

Zeus:  Right, that's it.  We can die. (snaps fingers)

Suddenly, Zeus pulls out a lightning bolt, and fries Nigel on the spot.

Zeus:  Okay, let's be democratic about this.  Everyone who wants to die, say
"aye."

*silence*

Zeus:  Okay, everyone who wants to be immortal say "aye."

All: Aye

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((wavylinesindicatingflashforward(((((((((((((((((
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So, there you have it.  I can't die.  You might have better luck with one of
the Norse gods.  They're in Asgard, just up the road.

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Drugs

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Orrie,
>
> It has come to my attention that many of the answers I'm receiving
> contain references to drugs, especially LSD. My 3-year old daughter has
> access to this computer, and I would be grateful if you could stop this
> madness.
>
> Yours truly,
> Lucy S. D'trip.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Ms. D'Trip,
I'm sorry about the numerous drug references. I know you wish to follow in
the foot steps of your heroin, Carry Nation, and put all mind altering substances
on ice. I will not allow this promise to slip in the crack, but I will speed it
along. I understand how you wish to protect your daughter, Marie Juana. I will
not be a dope, but will spread the word, and all will be in ecstasy.
Sincerely,
T. I. Oracle

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ECT

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, great oracle, whost medical knowledge art so infinite, and whose
> consult fees art ever so reasonable: I beseech thee to grant a
> miniscule part of your wisdom, and answer this question:
>
> Recently evaluated new patient, 35 Y/O male, with depression and SI.
> Had responded well to fluoxetine 20 mg but stopped after 3 months
> because of lost libido. I started him on bupropion, beginning at 75
> mg BID but he became extremely agitated, irritable,labile, and more
> suicidal. (?mixed state v idiocyncratic reaction?) He was
> hospitalized, switched back to fluoxetine, and discharged in 48
> hours. Within 3 days, he reports feeling less suicidal and less
> depressed.
>
> 1] Have you seen this kind of reaction to initiation of bupropion?
> 2] I anticipate a recureence of his lost libido. What to do?
> 3] Side issue-his insurance has limited list of covered ADs, e.g.
> neftazedone not covered.
>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

I have always been a strong advocate of negative reinforcement. The course
I recommend for your patient will be similar to ECT. Just follow him around
for a few days with an electric cattle prod. Any time he exhibits any symptoms,
just zap him. After a few weeks of this treatment, his depression will be
cured, however you will have to deal with his increased paranoia. In this case,
however, you really are out to get him, so it's not really paranoia, is it?

You owe the Oracle a room at the Home For The Very, Very Nervous.

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Free Verse

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> splendiferous              oracle oracle oracle
>                                   oracle oracle oracle
>                                   oracle oracle oracle
>
> superior   to
>                 Keats         Auden           Poe
>                  Frost          Shakespeare  Burns
>                   Shelley        Byron            Dickinson
>                    Coleridge    Whitman        ee cummings
>
> when      are          a            in   poem
>         you      asked  question  a
>
>       always            in       same
> you           answer     the        format
>
>                                                        w
>                                                         h
>                                                         y
>                                                         ?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Rhyme and meter, it could be worse.
I could be answering in free verse.

You are nuts, Whitman is crazy,
But I think free verse is just plain lazy.

Get some structure, use a meter!
Poetry can be much neater.

It can be hard, it takes some time,
It's not always easy to find a rhyme.

You do not always have to think twice.
Blank verse always sounds quite nice.

Remember, in the future, to avoid the ZOT,
Free verse isn't all that hot.

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Get Rich

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>
> Good evening, sir!  Here's your large anchovy and sardine pizza, and the
> side order of horse feathers.  That'll be US $17.95, please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Thank you, that was quick.  Here, keep the change.

[To camera]

Hi, I'm Tim Chew, Internet Oracle Priest, jet setter, and all
around playboy.  Would you believe, not to long ago, I was poor,
barely had an internet connection, had to work (shudder), and was
married?

It's true, but I turned my life around, and so can you.

I hear you asking yourself, "I can become an Internet Oracle Priest,
too?"  Well, no, you can't, only the special elite are choosen to
be dragged away in the middle of the night.  It also helps if you have
an interesting name, like Otis, Alyce (with a "y"), Ian, or Kirsten.
But you, too, can be a jet setting playboy, with my special formula.

All you need to do is send $200 in cash to me, Tim Chew.

"What do I get for my $200?" you're saying.  For that little fee,
you will be enrolled in my special course for get rich quick schemes.
You can learn, pyramid scams, ponzi scams, how to knock over banks,
pickpocketing, armored car robbery, and other sure fire ways to put
money into your pocket.

Become rich, like me, just send $200 dollars to:

HRH Prince Prince Timothy T W Chew, Duke of North Hills
c/o The Royal Palace
Raleigh, NC  USA

HisRoyalHighnessacceptsnoresponsibilityforprisontermsorgunshotwoundsc
ausedbyfirefightswiththepoliceFBIorangryshopownersTheInternetOracleis
trademarkStephanBKinzlerwhodenysanyandallconnectionwiththissortofthin
g

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Home shopping

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> In loftiness of thought the Oracle is un-surpassed,
> In majesty he is first; in nothing last.
> The forces of nature could no farther go,
> To make another so in the know!
>
>
> Pythagoras told his followers: "Image of God Wear not the image of God
> in a ring". All I can learn about this saying is that it is the twenty-
> fourth symbolic saying in the Protreptics of Iamblichus. What exactly
> does it mean?
>
>
> Thank You, Wise Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

What it means is you should instead buy one of our Image O God Pendent
Necklaces. Lisa, tell the supplicant about them.

"Okay, Orrie. Our Image Of God Pendent Necklaces are 14K gold plated
beauties with genuine cubic zirconium or faux pearl trim."

Look at those. Aren't they lovely?

"They sure are, Orrie"

Let's take some calls.

} Hi, Orrie! This is Eric from Denver.

Hi. Eric.

} I wanted to let you know that I wear my Image Of God Pendent Necklace
} every day. I love it. It has improved my life in every conceivable way.

Thank you.

} I buried one under my garden, and now I have prize tomatoes. I put one
} under my house, and I haven't seen a single rat!

So, the rats were bad before.

} I didn't have rats before.

But you don't have rats now.

} No, I sure don't!

Well, there you go! Next caller.

} Yeah, Orrie, I wanted to tell you those things you're selling are the
} ugliest, most hideous things I've ever
----====ZOT====----

Thank you, next caller.

} Umm... Orrie, if I say I like them, will you Zot me like the last guy?

Nope.

} Good, I love your Image Of God Pendent Necklace. In fact, I'll
} order three: one for my wife, and two for my daughters.

What about one for you.

} You're right. Better make that four.

Good. Thanks for calling.

You owe the Oracle a check or money order for $89.99 each plus shipping
and handling.

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In state

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most marvelous Oracle, your words of wisdom are like drops
> of molten gold falling upon the most plesiomorphic supplicants,
> of which I am a most pitiful specimen. We deserve not your
> generosity in answering our most pitiful and mewling questions,
> yet I ask with unashamed boldness for you to please consider
> this worthless mortal's query:
>
> If I'm only going to be in-state for another four months,
> should I try and start a relationship with her, or will I
> be stringing both of us along in a hopeless venture?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

While I have to applaud your efforts, you must realize two things:

1) It is very difficult to start a relationship when one of you is dead, and

2) Lying in state for four months is not pleasant for any one, least of all,
the folks who work at the funeral home. I mean really, you start to stink
after a few days.

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Job Offer

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,do you know where I might find a qualified Oracle
Priest with the following experience:
> Oracle apps developer/dba(financials v7 or 8) w/ DELPHi experience.
Excellent tuning skills w/ Delphi in Oracle environment. A U.S.citizen or
green card holder w/ ENERGY(Oil/Gas)/commodities Trading environment work
experience. THANKS for your help
>
 

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 

Boy, are you in luck!  I'm a priest, and I have some of the experience you  mention.
 

> Oracle apps

I'd been supplicating and incarnating for a couple years before I was elevated  to priesthood.

>developer/dba

I once used dBase III+.

>(financials v7 or 8)

Hmmm.  My car is only a four cylinder, but it has a lot of kick.  Sorry.

>w/ DELPHi experience. Excellent

I did subscribe to Delphi, back in '92.  don't tell anyone, though.  It was the
AOL of it's day.

>tuning skills w/ Delphi in Oracle environment

Umm, you'd have to ask Delphi (the oracle, not the on-line service) how I was.
I don't kiss and tell.

>A U.S.citizen

Born in Florida thirty years ago.

>or green card holder

My business card is green.

>w/ ENERGY(Oil/Gas)/commodities Trading environment work experience.

Do comic books and baseball cards count?

>THANKS for your help

You're more than welcome.

You owe this priest a paycheck.

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The List

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> applesauce
> eggs
> butter
> bread
> pop tarts
> hamburger
> detergent

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

He looked at the list again.

> applesauce
> eggs
> butter
> bread
> pop tarts
> hamburger
> detergent

"How the heck did Master expect me to destroy New York with this?" He asked
himself.  He had been in his Master's service for years, always doing as he was
told.  Never before did he question his masters orders.  Where was the
plutonium?  Where was the VX nerve gas?  What was he supposed to do with the
applesauce?  Unless...

Oh dear.  What on Earth was Mrs. Reilly getting at the grocery store?

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Middle Earth's Greatest Hits

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You could be taking it easy on your elf,
> You should be making it easy on your elf,
> Cos you and I know ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Coming soon from Oracle Records... Middle Earth's greatest hits.  Featuring
these classic tunes:

     I'd like to make the world a Ring
     And forge It deep with hate
     I want to make the world my slave.
     Wouldn't that be great.

And who could forget...

     Get your battle gown
     Let your hair fall down
     Get your long sword, baby.
     Grip you axe real tight.
     Wear your armor tight,
     No way we're lose it this time..
     (No way)

     Tie your Hobbit down
     Tie your Hobbit down
     Lock that Ring Wraith out of doors,
     Don't need it hanging aroun'

     Tie your Hobbit down
     Tie your Hobbit down
     Gonna fight a Ring War hard, tonight.

Enjoy reminiscing aoubt the old days with...

     Smaugh on the water
     And fire in the sky.

All of your favorites...

     I'll see you on the dark side of Mt. Doom

Order today, only $29.99 for CD $25.99 for cassette

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Mobius Strips

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows everything about paradoxes but knows nothing about
> paradoxes, tell me...
>
> If Mobius strips, how come he never actually gets his clothes off?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

He keeps thowing them to one side.

(It's a math pun... so shoot me.)

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Null question

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Hello, bracket, my old friend.
Appearing in the queue again.
A supplicant with naught to ask
Giving me a nasty task.
Null question, burning in my brain.
Now remains.
I hear the sound of silence.

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OSes

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, please answer as wise as you wish,
>
> My bussiness seems pretty successful in the moment. Which operating system
> should we use globally? Memphis, NT, Unix? Or everyone of them?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Let's look at each of them more closely, shall we?

Memphis - Nice town.  Close to Graceland.  But not too global.

NT - Unless you are located in Montana, No Technology is just a bad idea.

Unix - Interesting choice. I'm told that the procedure is relatively painless,
and can be done on an outpatient basis.  Your employees may complain
at first, but you'll find that they'll soon fall in line.  The resulting lack of a
family will mean they can devote more time to work.

All in all, I'd have to go with Unix.  A bit of a high initial overhead, what with
the hospital costs and all, but in the end it's worth it.

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Ow

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ow!  Ow!  Ow!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Well, if you'd take it out of there, the fish would stop biting it.

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Panel

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 

> Oh most marvelous Oracle, who could do anything I wanted but won't because
> what I want is stupid, please answer this perplexing problem.
>
> I just got three tickets to the baseball game but have three best friends,
> Steve, Josh, and Brian.  Which two should I take and how can I make it up
> to the third?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Okay, the issue we have before us, is which two of his three friends should
this supplicant bring to the baseball game.  On today's panel we have Marsha

Brady, Vlad "The Impailer" Tepesh, Arthur Fonzerello (a.k.a. "Fonzie"), and
Jesus Christ.

Marsha, why don't you start?

Marsha:  Boy, that's a toughie.  That's like when I was asked out by both
Johnny Watkins and Sam Wilson for the same night, and I had to pick between
them.

What did you do?

Marsha:  I said I'd go out with both of them, but they found out and were
mad, so I didn't go out with either, then Dad had a long talk with me about
how you shouldn't make two dates on the same night.

Okay, what do you suggest the supplicant do?

Marsha:  Who's cutest?

Thank-you, Marsha.  Fonzie?

Fonzie:  Aaaaay.  Dump your nerd friends, and take Marsha.

Thank you, Fonzie.  It didn't really solve the problem at hand, but it does
raise interesting possibilities.

Fonzie:  Aaaaay.

Vlad, what do you suggest?

Vlad:  Butcher them, and hang their entrails as a warning to others.

Okay, but are his _friends_.

Vlad:  Give them swords, and have them butcher each other, and take whoever
survives.

Now, there's a novel solution.  Jesus, do you have anything to add?

Jesus:  Yes, supplicant, the only way to avoid strife is to give your
tickets to your friends and let them go together.

Wait a minute, then the supplicant doesn't get to go.

Jesus:  Yes, but-

Marsha:  How lame is that?

Jesus: Excu-

Fonzie:  She's right.  That is definitely not cool.

Jesus: Sit on it, Fonzie!

Fonzie:  Whoa.

Vlad:  Where's the blood?

Thank you for providing an interesting discussion topic, supplicant, and
tune in again.

"No one tells the Fonz to sit on it."

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Password

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> cat /etc/passwd

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Schrodinger!

Feline!

Lion!

Hairball!

Nuts!  Pass!  Pass!

I'm sorry, Orrie, the answer was "Leopard Spotted Bikini Shorts."  You
don't get the grand prize, but you get to take home some nice parting gifts.

Dammit!  Dammit!  Dammit!

Of course Orrie.  Well, we'll see you all here, next time, on PASSWORD!

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Robin hood

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great omniscient Oracle, who most certainly knoweth spam from
> shine-ola, who knoweth when to hold 'em and knoweth when to fold 'em,
> who dost not hide behind that curtain over there, really, answer this
> humble supplicant's inquiry!
>
> I have an idea for a story: Robin Hood and his band of married men.  How
> far do you think it will go?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

It's already been done.  Here's an exert:

"Little John!  What Ho?"

" 'lo, Robin."

"Why the long face, Little John?  I know what will cheer you up, there's a
nobleman's coach approaching.  What say we rob it, and divide the spoils
amongst the peasants in the forest?"

"I gotta ask my wife."

-- Later --

"Well, Little John, may ye go?"

"No, she won't let me.  I'm not supposed to hang out with you either; she
says you're a bad influence on me."

"What?"

"That's what she said.  Well, I gotta go.  See ya."

Rather depressing isn't it?

You owe the Oracle the story of Little Red Robin Hood.

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Scarecrow

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh magnificient one, who's spit I am unworthy to walk past on the side
> walk, and who's muscus membranes I resemble.  Who's uncanny mind can
> outwit even Gilligan on a good day....  Please tell me...
>
> The Scarecrow on the Wizard of Oz, when he receives his diploma says "The
> square root of an Isosolis triangle is the square root of the remaining
> sides."  Or some other things like that.  It is blantantly, unmistakably,
> foolishly, and all other ways, wrong!
>  How could they have missed such a stupid mistake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

The incident you describe was the first example of how The Scarecrow's first
brain was faulty.  After the "Triangle Incident" things just degenerated.
He kept referring to Dorothy as Mommy, and tried to date Toto.  When the
Wizard left and put him in charge, all hell broke loose.  The Scarecrow
decided to change the name of the Emerald City to The Amethyst City, and blew
the municipal budget on purple paint.  The breaking point was when he passed
the ordinance that all citizens of The Amethyst City had to change their
underwear every half hour, plus it had to be worn on the outside, so he could
check.  The Tin Woodsman had to bash The Scarecrow on the head, and return his
brain for a refit.  Then he was right as rain.

You owe the Oracle a transcript of Woody Allen's "Bananas"

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Sock Puppet Wrestling

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> In a battle between Señor Sock, a Suzanne Summers obsessed regular of Talk
> Soup 'fame' and Mr. Socko, the companion of the WWF's oh-so-lovable Mankind,
> who would triumph? Also, please include results for the undercard match of
> Lambchop versus Mr. Sock-lop.
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

There had to be some restructuring of the "Sock Puppet Blowout" (TM) since
you last checked the pairings.  First off, Lambchop is out of the
tournament, because Sherry Lewis is, well, dead.  Second, Mr. Socko is
recovering from severe burns after The Rock (TM) tossed him into a pizza
oven, last Sunday night.  (Not that I watch Professional Wrestling (TM),
because I don't.  Really, I was just flipping channels during the half-time
of the Superbowl (TM) when I came across the match.  Ask Lisa, if you don't
believe me.  I don't even know what happened on Monday Night Raw (TM), last
night.  So there.)

Anyway, taking Lambchop's place will be Ollie, and Sifl will be standing in
for Mr. Socko.  Both of these new comers hail from MTV's Sifl and Ollie
show.  Here's an excerpt from the write up in today's sport section.

     "I can't wait to kick some sock puppet ass!  So you'd better watch
     out, Mr. Sock-lop!  You're going down!" Ollie was quoted as saying
     when the new match-ups were announced.  When it was pointed out that
     Bun-bun, the mini-lop, was training Mr. Sock-lop, Ollie replied "Oh,
     s<bleep>t, is it too late to cancel?"

     Sifl, on the other hand seemed to be getting along with his opponent,
     Sen~or Sock.  They were both last seen having a beer, and discussing
     Suzanne Summers.

Well, I'm pretty psyched about the match-ups, and personally can't wait
until next Sunday.

You owe the Oracle a sock, two buttons, and some thread.

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The duel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>
> Oracle, who has seen every man's struggle with the those
> on the other side, please tell me:
>
> What do I do if I KNOW that a girl loves me too?
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

She loves you, too?  She was in love with me first!  Sir, I challenge you to a duel.

<The supplicant and the Oracle meet in a field, the following morning.>

Choose your weapon.

> I'd like that ZOT staff, please.

Nope, that's mine.  Choose again.

> How about that .45?

Mmm... No, I already called dibs on that, too.

> Can I have the .38 snub nose?

No.

> The .22 Luger?

Uh uh.

> That bow and arrow, over there?

Can you pull a 60 pound bow?

> Sure, I was on the archery team in school.

No, you can't have it.

> That BB gun?

No, you'll put your eye out.

> This isn't fair.

Yes it is.  Now choose a weapon.

> <sigh> I guess I'll take that straw and wad of paper.

Ah, the spitball gun.  An excellent choice.  I'll take my ZOT staff.
Okay, we put our backs together, take ten steps, turn, and fire.  Ready?

> Ready.

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 - Fire!

-----====ZZZZOOO <spit>

Ow! geez!  That hit me in the eye!  That hurt!  Fine, you can have her,
just call her and ask her out.  Okay?

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The Spiders

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most knowledgeable one, who really knows it all, please settle a
> question that's been bothering me for a long time.  Which spider is it that
> keeps going up the water spout and being washed out by rain?  Is it the
> itsy-bitsy spider or the eensy-weensy spider?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Actually, it was originally Boris, but in the '60s he was propelled to super-
stardom by The Who.  In 1981, burnt out, he checked himself into Betty Ford,
where he was stepped on by John Belushi.  Itsy-Bitsy has been his replacement
since then.

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Tounge twister

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh great and wise orcalfull,
>                      did she really sell seashells by the sea shore
>                      five times
>                      fast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Not only did she sell sea shells by the sea shore, but she solicited sellers
for sea snakes, snorkels, snicker bars, sand dollars (a sort of sea shell),
sacks, soaked sand pipers (a sorry sight), sheep, sheiks, the sixth sheik,
the sixth sheik's sixth sheep (which is sick), Charlemagne's seat,
Charlotte's web, and seal saliva.

Lacking a license, Lisa lost a lovely, lucrative business.  So she only sold
once, not five times.

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Tumour

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question
was:

> O wise Oracle, thou who knows the perfect genome that will allow us to
> grow a tomato which is water and nothing else.
>
> Orrie, we at Monsanto have noticed that cancers grow really quick. If we
> could grow an animal which is simply one big cancer tumour, it would
> allow us to make much larger profits. We've managed to do this by inserting
> fieldmouse oncogenes into the chromosome of a slime mould. However, there
> is some consumer resistance to eating portions of a giant tumour. Could
> you please design a customer relations advertising campaign for us which
> will help convince the general public that eating tumours is a good thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

You have several avenues open to you.  You could buy the rights to a certain

Dave Matthews song:

        I eat Tumour (R)!  I drink Tumour (R)!
        I want Tumour (R)!  TUMOUR(R)!!

You could try some upbeat ads.

        Husband: Honey, the Doctor said I have cancer.
        Wife:  That reminds me, Dear, do you want some Tumour (R) loaf?
        Husband: Yummy!

Combine all that with a snappy catch phase:

        Why eat a tuber, when you can have a Tumour (R)?

And I think you might have a winner.
 

You owe the Oracle... Never mind, I'm not that hungry.

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What is the Answer?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>
>
> Oracle most wise and benevolent, greater than the mighty Shl'doh and most
> certainly more worthy than Ng'wubwub, I ask you the following:
>
> If this is the question, What is the answer?
>
> I have been trying to puzzle over this for days, and have had no luck.
>
> Many thanks for your time most worthy...
>
> Mish
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

What is the answer.

> What?

The answer.

> That is the answer?

No, That is the question, what is the answer.

> What is the question?

No, what is the answer.

> Exactly what is the answer?

Exactly is the exclamation.

> What?

That's the answer.

> What is the question?

No, that is the question, what is the answer.

> All I want to know is: What is the answer.

Yes.

> Yes, what?

The answer.

> ARGH!!!  [The supplicant runs away, screaming.]

[Calling after.] No, ARGH!!! is the explicative.

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Why not?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Most illustrious Oracle,
> whose backups always fit completely onto a single tape,
> who actually knows how to run the "restore" program
>  and have it work,
> and to whom the eternal question "Why?" is easier than
>  a pop quiz in health class,
> I ask of you:
>
> What answer can we give when our fifteen-year-old daughter
>  comes back at us with the question
>
>     "Why NOT?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

You could give her the PC answer:  "Well honey, we love you and respect your
right to choose for yourself, but we hope you listen to us on this one.  We
care about you, and don't want you to get hurt."  But all she'll hear is,
"Blah blah blah blab."

I recommend the non-PC answer, "See this electric cattle prod?  That's why
not!"  Get her attention, and who knows, she may even believe you.

Disclaimer:  The Internet Oracle does not advise shocking your children with
electric cattle prods. Nor does he recommend strapping them in dunking chairs,
or sliding bamboo under their fingernails.  They can all leave marks.  Try
beating them with rubber hoses, the method recommended by two out of three
major metropolitan police departments.

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Why

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Throughout history, people have been coming to me asking that question.
"Oh Oracle, whose wisdom shines through the ages, why?"
"Oh wise one, to whom the gods whisper their most precious secrets, why?"
"Oh most marvelous Oracle, who knows better than that stupid wizard, how can my
dog and I get back to Kansas, but failing that, why?"

I'll tell you, the same as I told everyone who asked me...  Because I said
so.  That's why.

You owe the Oracle a nice pair of ruby slippers, and they'd better fit this time.

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Word broth

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, don't you just love the word broth?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

It is very tasty, but I find with some punctuation used as seasoning, you get a
much more complete meal.

You owe the Oracle a bowl of sentence soup.

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