|
|
||
|
|
--- 899-07 3hzzc 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is the meaning of life?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Get up, step away from the computer. Go outside. Feel the
wind on
} your face, the sun on your back. It's a beautiful spring day. (The
} Oracle assumes you're in the northern hemishere.) See that bird flying
} overhead? Isn't it pretty? Now wipe off that mess it dropped
on your
} face. That's Life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clean car, because that *&%$!!! bird got me
as
} well.
--- 906-08 azCh6 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, whose self-help workshop is attended by celebrities
> and politicians, whose 12 step program has helped Madonna become
> a nurturer, whose book "It Takes a Newsgroup" has restored worldwide
> respect upon the value of Usenet, whose educational videos are
> renowned by both evolution theorists and christian scientists,
> and whose line of sneakers are produced by well-paid employees
> and are far superior to the competition's...
>
> Would you share your motivational techniques with me, please?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sure, just send me $49.95, and I'll tell you how you can get motivated,
} and rich, just like me.
--- 912-10 9frul 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why is it that my uudecode program does not do what I want it to do?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because it does not like uu.
--- 917-10 cfojg 3.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Where did I put my thingy?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Look in your other pocket.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to never shake hands with him.
--- 918-03 btve8 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great, wonderful, marvelous, magnificent, and omnipotent oracle
> whose prowess knows no limits, I humbly implore thee to answer my
cry:
>
> What's wrong with this question?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hmm... Let's analyze it. "What's wrong with this question?"
Aside
} from being self-referent, nothing... so far. So, let's try some
other
} methods of analysis.
}
} Diagramming:
}
What | is | wrong
}
\with
}
\__this question
}
} No. Looks Okay.
}
} Translate it into Oracle Scoring Speak (OSS):
} 59 18 11 30 28 33 28 25 24 17 33 19 30 18 30 18 19 28 27 31 15 29 30
19
} 25 24
} Yes, those are my measurements.
} Add it all up:
} 668
} Yes, that's exactly how much wood...
} Auf Deutch:
} Was ist los mit dieses Frage?
} Ja, es ist OK.
} In Mesopotamian:
} ...,, ,,...- ,.,.,, ..,..., ,.,.,.,,.,.-----|||?
} Ah ha!! It seems the answer is .,...,,-||..,
}
} You owe the Oracle the translation, and total of "War and Peace" into
}
--- 920-09 5jBvp 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most absolute, beautific, catastrophic, deep, edifying,
> fabulous, gargantuan, humility-inspiring, incredible, just, kind,
> mammoth, nice, opulent, powerful, qu-... qu-... quick (whew, almost
> lost it there), radical, super, technologically-enhanced, unequaled,
> venturous, winsome, xerochoric (yes, you're dry. Can't do much with
X),
> yeoman-endowed (priests), zestful answerer of questions (whew, those
> last three were hard!). Please consider my unworthy question:
>
> Now I know my ABCs. Next time, won't you sing with me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A is for Absolut, the Vodka I drink.
} B is for bubbles, the ones in the sink.
} C is for cat, the one with the hair.
} D is for dander, the stuff in the air.
} E is for error, those damned messages.
} F is for fault, yours, not MS's.
} G is for graffito, the singular of graffiti.
} H is for hot, which it is in
} I is for invite, that is, "Come on over."
} J is for jagged, like the white cliffs of
} K is for loser, so deep in debt.
} L is for Lemur, Joel Furr's favorite pet.
} M is for Mafia, who gave you some loans.
} N is for Nick, who will now break your bones.
} O is for "ouch," which you will say.
} P is for pain, Nick gives for no-pay.
} Q is for quick, I am so you said.
} R is for reading my dictionary in dread.
} S is for stuck, I get time to time.
} T is for tenuous, like many a rhyme.
} U is for ululate, a really fun word.
} V is for vocalize, loudly, I heard.
} W is for watching, us from the sky.
} X is for xenophobe, those aliens must die
} Y is for yikes, I am almost done.
} Z is for nothing, 'cause it's the last one.
--- 925-08 cmvjh 3.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
Tomblin, Purdy, pir, Young, and Pederson
>
System Administrators
>
nospam@kill_the_spam.*com
>
> TO:
FROM:
> Internet Oracle
alt.sysadmin.recovery and
>
alt.tech-support.recovery
>
contributors
>
>
news:alt.tech-support.recovery
>
> Sir:
>
> It have come to our attention that you have been in possession of
a
> restricted weapon of great LART potential.
>
> Use of Luser Attitude Readjustment Tools (LART's) have been
> restricted to charter posters of moderated Internet newsgroups
> alt.sysadmin.recovery, alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system
> administrators, news administrators, web(Internet) administrators,
> and technical support people by the Geneva convention of 1887.
>
> More over, usage of weapons in which chemical element "ZOT" is present,
> such as Staff of ZOT, ZOT Cannon, and Great LARTing ZOT Machine Gun,
> have been specifically restricted by international treaty of Zalzburg
> of 1982 of which State of
> 3, sub-paragraph C it is explicitly stated that:
>
> "Usage of Staff of ZOT, or any modifications, such as
Rapid Firing
> Stuff of ZOT, or Shoulder Mounted Stuff of ZOT should
be
> administered only by qualified personnel and only
onto Certified
> Computer Lusers"
>
> In paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment it is stated that
> "qualified personnel" is:
>
> "Any posters of moderated Internet newsgroups alt.sysadmin.recovery,
> alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system
administrators,
> news administrators, web(Internet) administrators,
and computer
> technical support people are considered as the only
personnel
> qualified for handling any weapons of LART potential
higher then 7
> megaLARTs, including the LART's utilizing ZOT as
an integral part
> of their design".
>
> In accordance to the Zalzburg Treaty, the LART potential of Staff
of
> ZOT exceeds the safe 7 megaLARTs, and is 9.5 megaLARTs
>
> We are charging Internet Oracle with the following offenses:
>
> o Usage of restricted LART
>
> o Usage of a LART with LART potential of 9.5 megaLARTs
by personnel
> that is not qualified to handle LART
of such potency
>
> o Usage of LART which uses ZOT chemical element
in it's integral
> design on subjects that are not qualified
as Certified Computer
> Lusers, such as woodchucks, supplicants,
and Zadoc.
>
> The above offenses are punished by repeated subjection to ZOT Cannon
> with LART potential of 12.3 megaLARTs for the duration of 10 LARTings,
> or to subjection to 5 !plonk!'s at the choice of the offender.
>
> We have taken into consideration your usage of Staff of ZOT on Bill
> Gates, and decided that a following amendment to the sentence would
be
> in order:
>
> Please cease usage of Staff of ZOT, and return it
to armory of
> alt.sysadmin.recovery or become a "qualified person"
as stated in
> paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment
within 24 hours or
> the above sentence will be carried out.
>
> Peter (pir) Radiclif, Head Administrator
> [Signed]
>
> Sean B. Purdy Eric L. Pederson Paul Tomblin
Alister J. R. Young
> [Signed]
[Signed]
[Signed] [Signed]
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sirs:
}
} I draw your attention to paragraph
2, subparagraph A of the 2nd
} Amendment: "....and computer technical support people are considered
as
} the only personnel qualified for handling any weapons of LART ..."
I
} also wish to point out the definition of "computer technical support
} people" as defined by The Bylaws of The Committee for Preserving
the
} Sanity Of Help Line Staffers (CoPSOHLS):
}
} "A computer technical support person is anyone who fields insipid
} computer related questions from the generally clueless in the course
of
} their regular work day. This may include, but is not limited to,
help
} line staffers, your brother-in-law, the grad student unlucky enough to
} be in the computer lab right now, and the guy in the office who bothered
} to take five minutes to learn the stupid machine. Insipid questions
may
} include, but are not limited to, "How do I exit Windows?", "Should
I
} save this report?", "How do I print this?", and "I just formatted
my C:
} drive, and I had no backup copies. Is this bad?"
}
} Now, if you realize that many of my incarnations are at work, and that
} the vast majority of the questions I receive are insipid, (" HEY D00D,
} WHERE CAN I GET GIFS OF N00D ASIAN CHICKS?????" and ASCII pictures of
} cows) you should realize that I am quite qualified for handling said
} LART weapons.
}
} Thank you,
} T. I. Oracle
--- 932-01 0csyg 3.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, ever-expanding, Oracle, who can travel faster than the speed of
> light, please answer this more-or-less humble supplicant's question:
>
> If the universe is infinite in size, does this mean that any point
in
> the universe is technically its center? If this is the case,
does this
> mean that I'm the center of the universe?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes Supplicant, you have stumbled on a fundamental property. You
are
} the center of the Universe. Which explains why the Universe looks
like
} it is expanding, everything is repulsed by you, and is trying to get
} away from you as fast as possible.
--- 933-10 6mBg6 2.9 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Horticulturally enlightened oracle, whose gardening skills put
> Percy Thrower to shame, please tell me...
>
> Where *have* all the flowers gone?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Supplicant, you have stumbled upon one of the most important
} conspiracies of this century. The Trilateral Commission has been
} sending out the black helicopters full of crack flower-pickers.
} These flower-pickers ensure that the Average American has to go to
} the _Florist_ to buy flowers. All flower bought at the Florist's
} are treated specifically to make Americans complacent, and to buy
} and eat M&M's, especially the blue ones, which have been treated
with
} cobalt to make it easier to track you by the fillings in your teeth.
} The Trilateral Commission keeps track of everyone's location and
} sends it to the North Korean troops hiding in the bayou of
} who are waiting for the signal to start the invasion. You don't
} believe this do you. Tell me, have you been exposed to any store
} bought flowers lately?
--- 936-02 0aqvg 3.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh infallible Oracle, accountant to the Gods, whose columns are roman
> and error-free, whose rows by any other name would smell as sweet,
> tell me:
>
> Does dismantling a computer with a sledgehammer count as research,
> and can I deduct it as a business expense?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, but, if you're running Windows 95, it does count as an upgrade.
--- 940-03 dtng9 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, Oracle, who is the rtle model for all reservoirs of knowledge
> throughout Known Space, and whose perfect benefactions makes as nothing
> of any act a human mind could ever concieve of, can you help me with
> the following problem:
>
> Will Larry Nivens new works, having seen a decline in quality in the
> last years, eventually rise to match the splendor and power of his
> earlier makings, or should I save my money for some other author?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Unfortunately, Mr. Niven's work will continue to deteriorate, until it
} resembles this:
} Ring around the planet
} Dressing up like Janet
} Weightless, weightless
} We all fall down.
} Frightening, isn't it?
--- 944-08 9aumo 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> It's not the handle.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, it's not. Now let go of it, before I hurt you.
--- 946-03 gjnec 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> UUCP
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, II don't see pee.
--- 949-10 6gmpo 3.5 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great Oracle,
> Why O Why is it so hard to find a good nickel candy bar
anymore?
>
> Perplexed and Poor
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There never has been a good nickel candy bar. You just end up
breaking
} your teeth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good cobalt lollipop.
--- 955-07 buDc4 2.7 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> tar zcfv oracle.tar.gz oracle
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, no. Feather is spelt f-e-a-t-h-e-r. Wait a second. "Tar
and
} feather The Oracle."
} I didn't do anything to you, sure, the Medicine was snake oil.
You
} didn't have to buy it. Put that rope down. Come on, Zadoc,
time to
} hit the road!
--- 956-01 5mwo6 3.0 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most wise Oracle, saver of all, keeper of wisdom, super
> great oracle, bla bla bla; I am trapped in this room and
> the fire is spreading. The notice which had the emergency
> phone number is burned, please, please, please, Oracle,
> what is the emergency number?????
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Boy, are you in luck! You live in an area where the emergency
response
} teams are hooked in to the cellular network. Now you can reach
them
} anywhere. Just dial the emergency number.
}
} > I don't know the emergency number! That's why I wrote you!
}
} Okay, just dial 411, that's information.
}
} *What City?*
}
} > Um...
}
} *What listing?*
}
} > Fire Department! Hurry!
}
} *One Moment... I'm sorry I can't find Fire Department Hurry.*
}
} > What?
}
} *One moment while I connect you with a reprentative.*
}
} (sigh) "What city?
}
} >
}
} All right, quit yelling, What listing?
}
} > The fire department! Please hurry!
}
} "...You're serious."
}
} >Yes!
}
} "You moron, what nimnoll told you to call 411 to get the number for
} 911?"
}
} > 911! Thank you!
}
} BOOP BEEP BEEP
}
} *I'm sorry, this cellular customer is out of the calling area.*
}
} > Argh!!! What should I do now??
}
} I'm sorry, only one question per supplication.
}
} You owe the Oracle, (sniff-sniff), mmm... toast.
--- 965-03 2muw8 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle most mighty!
> Whose name is listed on every Eudora "Nicknames" file!
> Who is bundled with every O/S ever conceived!
> Whose Staff of Zot causes all to tremble!
> Who can beat B*ll G*t*s (cursed be his name!) to a bloody pulp anytime
> he feels like it!
> Whose radiance blinds any poor mortal who looks upon him!
> Whose wisdom is infinite!
> Who sees all!
> Who hears all!
> Who smells all!
> Who tastes all!
> Who feels all!
> Who knows all!
> Who tells all!
> Who thinks all!
> Who reads all!
> Who eats all!
> Who walks all over!
> Who dares all!
> Who, who, who... hoo! I've run out of grovels...
> I, a groveling supplicant, a mere worm, a speck of filth in the
> gutters of time, an unworthy piece of trash who does not deserve to
> be curb-stomped by your glorious sandles, please tell me...
>
> Recently, you blessed me and my monitor by demanding that I answer
a
> question from another supplicant. The problem is, well, the question
> seemed *serious*. I mean, the supplicant seemed to be truely questing
> after eternal truths, not just screwing around on his employer's time.
> So, I, er, well... I answered it seriously.
>
> Can you ever forgive me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What? You dare imply that I'm screwing around on my employer's
time?
} That's immoral. Every e-mail we send is serious. Everything
we
} do is serious. This is a serious dialog. I'm very serious.
Okay,
} they've stopped looking. You almost blew my cover. Shame
on you.
} Oops.. yes, I'm still serious.
--- 979-04 2hDt8 3.3 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is a self? Does it change? Is it similar to a soul?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A self is a small furry animal that many middle aged men keep as pets.
} However, these beasties are notorious for running away. As the
owners
} are very attached to their pets, they will often buy a new motorcycle
} and drive off, trying to "find my self."
}
} Girlfriends also try to keep these elusive pets, and will often leave
} their boyfriends to find their selves too. More often than not,
the
} self will have dug a burrow in the back yard, and can be drawn out with
} a can of food.
}
} A self and a sole are quite different, a self is, as I said before, a
} small furry animal; a sole is a fish.
}
} you owe The Oracle a can of Self Chow.
--- 990-07 6bjql 3.5 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh hideous[1] Oracle, who is hung like a horse[2], whose infatuous[3]
> companion Lisa is the envy of all men[4], why do I always[5] feel
> compelled to add footnotes[6] to whatever I write[7]?
>
> [1] hideous (adj.) - like a hide, i.e. skinny. From this
we infer that
> the Oracle is thought to be beautiful by current Western standards.
>
> [2] Well, OK, a 3 foot tall miniature pony. But it's still
technically
> a horse.
>
> [3] infatuous (adj.) - without fat. See hideous.
>
> [4] Yes, I know, there are some who prefer other men.
But then there
> are some women who'd envy Lisa, so it balances out in the end.
>
> [5] Well, almost always[8].
>
> [6] I think that's what these things are called. I expect
if they were
> to the side of the text, rather than beneath it, they'd be annotations.
>
> [7] Also to whatever I say, and this tends to confuse many people.
>
> [8] Did you catch the subtle reference to Gilbert[9] & Sullivan[10]?
>
> [9] Sir W. S.
>
> [10] Sir Arthur[11].
>
> [11] No relation to the King[12].
>
> [12] A different Arthur. Probably[13] a Celtic heathen.
>
> [13] It was the Dark Ages, so we'll never[14] be sure.
>
> [14] Unless we ask the Oracle, of course.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ritalin [1] can help you keep from jumping from subject to subject
} [2]. And make it easier for you to talk to other people. [3]
}
} [1] Made by Ciba Geigy
}
} [2] You need to talk to your Doctor [4] about getting a prescription
} [5].
}
} [3] Unless they don't like you.
}
} [4] The Medical kind. [6]
}
} [5] Also known as a "script" [7]
}
} [6] I suppose you could talk to a person with a doctorate in math,
} but he [8] won't be able to get you a prescription.[9]
}
} [7] Not to be confused with the kind used in plays and such.
}
} [8] "He" was used as a gender neutral pronoun. [10]
}
} [9] Unless he [11] has stolen a pad from a Medical Doctor.
}
} [10] I just don't want any one to think I'm sexist.
}
} [11] See [8] [12]
}
} [12] You owe the Oracle a road map of the above footnotes.
--- 994-03 euqd5 2.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Give us a joke, you're the Orrie man
> Give us a joke tonight.
> And we're sharing a drink called foolishness
> But I'm feelin' all right.
>
> Da, Da da didi da da, Da da da, didi da, Da dum
>
> [Que harmonica solo]
> ...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [Insipid whistling]
}
} [Cheesy guitar]
}
} Well, we all have a face that we hide out all along.
} But we take them out and show them off in r-o-hhh-d.
} Some wield Zot staffs, some like Og,
} Some like Lisa, some write a song.
} They're the faces of the Oracle, and we want to let you see.
}
} Well, we all write out answers, but we never send in tellme's
} Though the queue will empty out, there are some who never learn.
} Why were you so surprised when all you sent in were askme's
} Did you ever the others see the queue-drainer in yourself?
}
} Don't be afraid to send again.
} Every incarnation sucks
} Every now and then.
} You've zotted, why can't someone else?
} You should know by now,
} You've been YES NO HELL'd yourself
}
} I used to believe I was a great incarnation
} After all, I had been digested over twenty times.
} When twenty issues came and went without so much an answer
} It was then I felt the priest-hood kick me right between the eyes.
}
} Don't be afraid to send again.
} Every incarnation sucks
} Every now and then.
} You've zotted, why can't someone else?
} You should know by now,
} You've been YES NO HELL'd yourself
}
} You may never understand how the Oracle's inspired.
} But, it isn't always clever, and it is not always long.
} Though you'll have good ideas, you may never get to use them.
} I will just have to abuse them.
} You owe the Oracle a song.
}
} [annoying whistling]
--- 995-10 ccvkg 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Ug here! Ug say o-ra-kul many good. Ug mad Og hog all a-ten-shon.
Ug
> know Ug more good than Og. Ug _many_ more good than Og! Ug want know
> how Ug get more a-ten-shon.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Orrie! We've got cave men in the basement again!"
}
} Dammit, the exterminator was here last week. Let's see... (Opens
door)
}
} > Me Ug.
}
} (Slams door) Damn! A new one. Ug, Og, Zog, and Thag.
Where's that
} Zot wand? OKAY! YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS! HERE I COME!!
}
} (Much carnage occurs as ZOTs and blows from spiky clubs are traded...
} until.)
}
} I think that's the last of them.
}
} > Zog want box with pictures.
}
} *ZOT* [Thud]
}
} You owe the Oracle an original question, with no cavemen, high priests,
} work-study priests, or net.sex.goddesses.
--- 998-05 7loxd 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Julianna? Julianna Avedon? This is your father speaking? Julianna,
> we've been worried about you joining this 'Internet Oracle' cult.
> Julianna, we love you and only want what is best for you. Julianna,
> we've got a nice man who was recommended to us and can help you.
> Julianna, no, don't hang up. Please, we're your *parents*, we *love*
> you. We would never do anything against you our most darling daughter.
> Julianna, you must understand, this 'Internet Oracle' is not the
> all-seeing all-knowning being that you believe him to be. Julianna,
you
> must believe us, he's an evil scheming man and he his controlling
your
> mind. Julianna, we don't ask you to leave the cult, we only ask you
to
> talk to this nice man. Just for one day, could you just come home
for
> one day. One day, that's all we ask for and we promise we'll let you
go
> back to The Internet Oracle if you still feel you want to. Please,
> Julianna. Please....
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dad, you don't understand, Ian Davis told me all about how you want to
} take me away from my friends, and I don't want to do that. Paul
Kelly
} said that I would be eaten alive by bright red Siamese fighting fish
if
} I ever leave. You really should join us, it's beautiful here. We
get
} up in the morning and have gruel for breakfast. Then we spend two
} hours chanting,
} Oh Oracle most wise, please lead
us on the rhod to wisdom.
} We subjugate ourselves to you.
} We ask that you look past our shortcomings
}
and not ZOT us.
} We look to the priesthood in all
things.
} We turn our backs on the evils of
society
}
just to serve you.
} We avoid mention of the infernal
Woodchuck
}
please don't hurt us.
} And finally, we know you're not as
evil scheming man who is
} controlling our minds... High Priest Zadoc told us so.
}
} See Dad? It's right there in the chant, I'm not being mind controlled.
} I wasn't brain washed, Tom Harrington (we all call him "Tom") called
} it "brain dry cleaning." So you have nothing to worry about.
}
} Sorry, Dad, I have to go. It's Kirsten's and my shift. What?
Oh, we
} have to go beat our heads on the floor before the Oracle. Bye,
Dad.
--- 1040-03 ihlj7 2.8 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Noble Oracle, you are the quoin upon which all knowledge rests!
>
> Which make better pets, gold fish or silver fish?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
______
}
| |
} ______
| \\// |
} | |
| / \ | ______
} | \\// |
|( )| |
|
} | / \ |
| \__/ | | \\// |
} |( )|
|______| | / \ |
} | \__/ |
|( )|
} |______|
| \__/ |
}
|______|
}
gold
}
fish
} silver
_________
} fish
| |
} _________|
| bronze
} |
| | fish
} |
| |_________
} |
| |
|
} |
| |
|
--- 1060-08 cpx52 2.5 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Come on Wise and Most Cunning Oracle, spill the beans;
>
> Who Is Mister Big?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, that would be Ross Clement. No, really. He's not some
mild
} mannered kiwi working at the
} whole Artificial Intelligence thing is just a cover. He's really
the
} ring leader of an international consortium for smuggling, you guessed
} it, Multi-Orifice Blowup Dolls. Ross Clement is not a person to
be
} trifled with.
}
} One hears tales about people disappearing... do we really know what
} happened to Otis Viles this summer? Why does Ian Davis keep
} disappearing? Where did
}
} Nobody really knows the answers to these questions, but Ross Clement
} has been strangely silent about the whole affair.
}
} True, there's no direct evidence linking Don Rosso, as he prefers to
be
} called, to these disappearances, but during a recent interview with
} interfax, he had been quoted as saying, "Struth, these blokes 'ave been
} getting on me arse, so I 'ad me man, Zadoc, teach 'em a lesson, they
} won't forget." Sounds pretty convincing to me.
}
} You owe Don Rosso^W^Wthe Oracle your friendship.
--- 1092-01 28oza 3.5 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, wise and really nifty Oracle, please tell me,
>
> What would happen if UML and QVC were combined? What if
>
> and Japanese hockey were intertwined? What if smoked salmon and haggis
> were configured?
>
> Basically, what if?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sit child, and I shall give you a parable.
}
} There once was a child, let's call him the Supplicant, who went to see
} a great wise man, let's call him the Oracle. The supplicant spoke
to
} the Oracle, "Oh most wise and really nifty Oracle, please tell me, what
} if?"
}
} The Oracle did reply, "What if, what?"
}
} The Supplicant did retort with, "No, just 'What if?'"
}
} The Oracle did grow thoughtful, scratched his long beard, and said unto
} the Supplicant, "That is a very difficult question. You must live
and
} work for me for ten years, before I can answer it."
}
} The Supplicant was determined to get an answer, so he did agree to the
} terms set out by the Oracle.
}
} The Supplicant did labor for the Oracle for ten years. He cleaned
out
} the stables; he mended the knees of the priests' pants, for they did
} wear out quite quickly; he did polish the grand staircase with an old
} toothbrush; and he did kill a hydra (no, not the mythical monster, but
} rather the microscopic animal which lives in ponds.)
}
} One the last day of his servitude, he did come to the Oracle and said,
} "Oh wise and nifty Oracle, I have labored for you for ten years, in
} return you did promise me an answer to my question, 'What if?'
What is
} the answer?"
}
} The Oracle did respond, "Oh, yes, I suppose I did. Well, you answer
} is... er... Everything would be different."
}
} The Supplicant did grow angry and cried, "You bastard, you don't really
} have an answer, do you? You just wanted free labor!"
}
} The Oracle did, at that moment, snap his fingers, and the High Priest
} of the Oracle, let's call him Zadoc, did sneak up behind the Supplicant
} and hit him on the head with an iron bar. The Supplicant then fell
} down and was dragged away, never to be seen again.
}
} Thus endeth the parable. What have you learned, child?
}
} > That you don't really know the answer, and if I continue to pester
} > you, you will have Zadoc hit me with a piece of rebar, causing severe
} > brain damage, which would automatically qualify me for priesthood?
}
} Very good, child.
}
} > May I go home now? I'm scared.
}
} Good bye, my child. You do not owe me anything, today.
--- 1094-06 89lp9 3.2 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> > n
>
> You exit north.
> You enter into a large antechamber. Fiery braziers burn all around
you.
> A massive red carpet leads across the massive room. At the end of
the
> carpet is a majestic being on a throne, and a worm-like individual.
>
> > look at worm-like individual
>
> Uncomfortable with your glance, he cowers. He wears tattered clothes,
> and a dented button reading "Zadoc".
>
> > look at majestic being
>
> You look upon the majestic being and know in a second that this is
the
> omnipotent Internet Oracle! His Staff of Zot shines brightly at his
> side. His face is only a blur.
>
> > grovel to oracle
>
> You beseech the Oracle, "Oh great and powerful Oracle...". He's heard
> this one before. If you could see his face, you would swear his eyes
> were rolling.
>
> > ask oracle for chicks
>
> The Oracle is bored with these pedantic requests. His finger twitches
> towards the Staff of Zot.
>
> > push button
>
> You see no button here! The Oracle grabs the Staff of Zot.
>
> > push button on plot device
>
> Just as the Oracle aims the Staff of Zot at you, you push the button
on
> the Plot Device(tm)....
>
> [DISCONTINUITY]
>
> After a brief blackout, you appear to be a majestic being sitting
in a
> chair looking down on a worm-like individual and a lowly, yet familiar
> supplicant that you are in the progress of zotting.
>
> ***ZOT!!!***
>
> The lowly, yet familiar looking supplicant drops the now useless Plot
> Device as he is blasted three dimensions away. The worm-like individual
> cowers.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > look
}
} You are now a majestic being. Around you are a worm-like individual,
a
} staff of ZOT, a useless plot device, and a question queue.
}
} > look question queue.
}
} You see a question in the form of an Infocom parody. "Oh, no, not
} again," you sigh to yourself.
}
} There is a question here
}
} > feed question to useless plot device
}
} The useless plot device grows bigger.
}
} There is a question queue here.
}
} > look question queue
}
} You see a question about woodchucks. "Oh, no, not again," you sigh
to
} yourself.
}
} There is a question here.
}
} > feed question to useless plot device.
}
} The useless plot device grows bigger.
}
} There is a question queue here.
}
} > look question queue
}
} You see a question about cavemen.
}
} There is a question here.
}
} > feed question to useless plot device.
}
} The useless plot device grows into an overused plot device.
}
} There is a question queue, a wormlike individual, and a ZOT staff here.
}
} > feed ZOT staff to overused plot device
}
} The overused plot device grows bigger.
}
} There is a question queue and a wormlike individual here.
}
} > feed wormlike individual to overused plot device
}
} Zadoc kicks and screams like a little girl, but you manage to feed him
} to the overused plot device. The overused plot device grows bigger
and
} achieves critical mass. The overused plot device explodes and destroys
} everything.
}
} You are dead.
}
} You scored 87 out of a possible 100.
}
} You achieved the rank of old, cynical incarnation.
}
} Play again? (Y/N)
--- 1259-03 4chc6 3.1 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> As poorly qualified as I am to defy The Internet Oracle, I hope you
> will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And
> please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must place blame where
> it belongs -- in the hands of The Internet Oracle and its subhuman
> peons. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar
> theme of my previous letters: We must reach out to people with the
> message that The Internet Oracle's musings are a blatantly obvious
and
> cleverly orchestrated script, carefully concocted to intensify race
> hatred. We must alert people of that. We must educate them. We must
> inspire them. And we must encourage them to shoo it away like the
> annoying bug that it is. Goofy, self-satisfied cutthroats are honestly
> the lowest form of human life, as evidenced by the way that The
> Internet Oracle's latest manifesto, like all the ones that preceded
it,
> is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with
> misquotations and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are
> occasionally entertaining, but certainly not informative.
>
> We must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We
> must overcome the fear that The Internet Oracle will incite racial
> hatred. And to overcome these fears, we must shatter the adage that
> society is screaming for The Internet Oracle's politics. Because a
> great many decent people are just as distressed as I am about The
> Internet Oracle's sentiments, it therefore stands to reason that I
> doubtlessly hope that the truth will prevail and that justice will
be
> served before The Internet Oracle does any real damage. Or is it
> already too late? The answer is not obvious, because The Internet
> Oracle says that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. That's a
> stupid thing to say. It's like saying that twisted primates make the
> best scout leaders and schoolteachers. But there I go again, claiming
> that The Internet Oracle insists that the sky is falling. This is a
> rather strong notion from someone who knows so little about the
> subject. Until we address this issue, we will never move beyond it.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This is feedback from an Oracle Priest, you anonymity will not been
} compromised, unless we feel like it, in which case, we'll post your
} name, email address, home address, telephone number, and shoe size to
} RHOD for public mocking.
}
} I would like to refute your points in order.
}
} 1) The Oracle's peons are not subhuman.
Each Priest has five fingers
} and toes... except Mark Nolan, but we don't let him out much.
}
} 2) The Oracle's musing are not a blatant and cleverly orchestrated
} script. I defy you to find anything clever in the last digest.
}
} 3) Goofy, self-satisfied cutthroats are not the lowest form of human
} life. Woodchucks are.
}
} 4) "The Internet Oracle's latest manifesto, like all the ones that
} preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing
} teeming with misquotations and inaccuracies..."
Okay, I'll give you
} that.
}
} 5) "...but certainly not informative."
Wrong! They are highly
} informative. Tim Chew has been following the Oracle advise for years,
} and he has just been able to upgrade to a double wide.
}
} 6) "we must shatter the adage that society is screaming for The
} Internet Oracle's politics."
Then what is all that screaming about
} then? That's all we ever hear
at the temple. Screaming, screaming,
} screaming. Oh wait, Ross is
just playing his Linkin Park CDs too loud
} again.
}
} Maybe that's what the problem's been all along.
We'll get Ross to play
} something else.
}
} You owe the Priesthood some Air Supply albums.