Digested Answers

 

Meaning Of Life

Larry Nivens

Death to Og

Motivation

The Handle

The Cult of Oracularity

UUDecode

UUCP

Fish

Thingy

Nickle Candy

Don Rosso

What's Wrong With This Question?

Tar and Feather

What If?

ABCs

911

Infocom

LART

Serious

Am Not!

Center of The Universe

Selves

 So That's Why

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

Footnotes

 

Upgrades

Billy Joel

 

Meaning Of Life

--- 899-07 3hzzc 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get up, step away from the computer.  Go outside.  Feel the wind on
} your face, the sun on your back.  It's a beautiful spring day. (The
} Oracle assumes you're in the northern hemishere.) See that bird flying
} overhead?  Isn't it pretty?  Now wipe off that mess it dropped on your
} face.  That's Life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clean car, because that *&%$!!! bird got me as
} well.

Back To Top
 

Motivation

--- 906-08 azCh6 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose self-help workshop is attended by celebrities
> and politicians, whose 12 step program has helped Madonna become
> a nurturer, whose book "It Takes a Newsgroup" has restored worldwide
> respect upon the value of Usenet, whose educational videos are
> renowned by both evolution theorists and christian scientists,
> and whose line of sneakers are produced by well-paid employees
> and are far superior to the competition's...
>
> Would you share your motivational techniques with me, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, just send me $49.95, and I'll tell you how you can get motivated,
} and rich, just like me.

Back To Top
 
 

UUDecode

--- 912-10 9frul 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is it that my uudecode program does not do what I want it to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it does not like uu.

Back To Top
 
 

Thingy

--- 917-10 cfojg 3.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Where did I put my thingy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look in your other pocket.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to never shake hands with him.

Back To Top
 
 

What's Wrong With This Question?

--- 918-03 btve8 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great, wonderful, marvelous, magnificent, and omnipotent oracle
> whose prowess knows no limits, I humbly implore thee to answer my cry:
>
> What's wrong with this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  Let's analyze it.  "What's wrong with this question?"  Aside
} from being self-referent, nothing... so far.  So, let's try some other
} methods of analysis.
}
} Diagramming:
}             What | is | wrong
}                            \with
}                             \__this question
}
}       No. Looks Okay.
}
} Translate it into Oracle Scoring Speak (OSS):
} 59 18 11 30 28 33 28 25 24 17 33 19 30 18 30 18 19 28 27 31 15 29 30 19
} 25 24
}       Yes, those are my measurements.
} Add it all up:
} 668
}       Yes, that's exactly how much wood...
} Auf Deutch:
} Was ist los mit dieses Frage?
}       Ja, es ist OK.
} In Mesopotamian:
}       ...,, ,,...- ,.,.,, ..,..., ,.,.,.,,.,.-----|||?
} Ah ha!! It seems the answer is .,...,,-||..,
}
} You owe the Oracle the translation, and total of "War and Peace" into
} OSS.

Back To Top
 
 

ABCs

--- 920-09 5jBvp 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most absolute, beautific, catastrophic, deep, edifying,
> fabulous, gargantuan, humility-inspiring, incredible, just, kind,
> mammoth, nice, opulent, powerful, qu-... qu-... quick (whew, almost
> lost it there), radical, super, technologically-enhanced, unequaled,
> venturous, winsome, xerochoric (yes, you're dry. Can't do much with X),
> yeoman-endowed (priests), zestful answerer of questions (whew, those
> last three were hard!). Please consider my unworthy question:
>
> Now I know my ABCs. Next time, won't you sing with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A is for Absolut, the Vodka I drink.
} B is for bubbles, the ones in the sink.
} C is for cat, the one with the hair.
} D is for dander, the stuff in the air.
} E is for error, those damned messages.
} F is for fault, yours, not MS's.
} G is for graffito, the singular of graffiti.
} H is for hot, which it is in Tahiti.
} I is for invite, that is, "Come on over."
} J is for jagged, like the white cliffs of Dover .
} K is for loser, so deep in debt.
} L is for Lemur, Joel Furr's favorite pet.
} M is for Mafia, who gave you some loans.
} N is for Nick, who will now break your bones.
} O is for "ouch," which you will say.
} P is for pain, Nick gives for no-pay.
} Q is for quick, I am so you said.
} R is for reading my dictionary in dread.
} S is for stuck, I get time to time.
} T is for tenuous, like many a rhyme.
} U is for ululate, a really fun word.
} V is for vocalize, loudly, I heard.
} W is for watching, us from the sky.
} X is for xenophobe, those aliens must die
} Y is for yikes, I am almost done.
} Z is for nothing, 'cause it's the last one.

Back To Top
 
 

LART

--- 925-08 cmvjh 3.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>                 Tomblin, Purdy, pir, Young, and Pederson
>                          System Administrators
>                        nospam@kill_the_spam.*com
>
> TO:                                   FROM:
> Internet Oracle                       alt.sysadmin.recovery and
>                                       alt.tech-support.recovery
>                                       contributors
> oracle@cs.indiana.edu                 news:alt.sysadmin.recovery
>                                       news:alt.tech-support.recovery
>
> Sir:
>
> It have come to our attention that you have been in possession of a
> restricted weapon of great LART potential.
>
> Use of Luser Attitude Readjustment Tools (LART's) have been
> restricted to charter posters of moderated Internet newsgroups
> alt.sysadmin.recovery, alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system
> administrators, news administrators, web(Internet) administrators,
> and technical support people by the Geneva convention of 1887.
>
> More over, usage of weapons in which chemical element "ZOT" is present,
> such as Staff of ZOT, ZOT Cannon, and Great LARTing ZOT Machine Gun,
> have been specifically restricted by international treaty of Zalzburg
> of 1982 of which State of Indiana is a signee. In chapter 7, paragraph
> 3, sub-paragraph C it is explicitly stated that:
>
>   "Usage of Staff of ZOT, or any modifications, such as Rapid Firing
>    Stuff of ZOT, or Shoulder Mounted Stuff of ZOT should be
>    administered only by qualified personnel and only onto Certified
>    Computer Lusers"
>
> In paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment it is stated that
> "qualified personnel" is:
>
>   "Any posters of moderated Internet newsgroups alt.sysadmin.recovery,
>    alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system administrators,
>    news administrators, web(Internet) administrators, and computer
>    technical support people are considered as the only personnel
>    qualified for handling any weapons of LART potential higher then 7
>    megaLARTs, including the LART's utilizing ZOT as an integral part
>    of their design".
>
> In accordance to the Zalzburg Treaty, the LART potential of Staff of
> ZOT exceeds the safe 7 megaLARTs, and is 9.5 megaLARTs
>
> We are charging Internet Oracle with the following offenses:
>
>   o  Usage of restricted LART
>
>   o  Usage of a LART with LART potential of 9.5 megaLARTs by personnel
>      that is not qualified to handle LART of such potency
>
>   o  Usage of LART which uses ZOT chemical element in it's integral
>      design on subjects that are not qualified as Certified Computer
>      Lusers, such as woodchucks, supplicants, and Zadoc.
>
> The above offenses are punished by repeated subjection to ZOT Cannon
> with LART potential of 12.3 megaLARTs for the duration of 10 LARTings,
> or to subjection to 5 !plonk!'s at the choice of the offender.
>
> We have taken into consideration your usage of Staff of ZOT on Bill
> Gates, and decided that a following amendment to the sentence would be
> in order:
>
>    Please cease usage of Staff of ZOT, and return it to armory of
>    alt.sysadmin.recovery or become a "qualified person" as stated in
>    paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment within 24 hours or
>    the above sentence will be carried out.
>
> Peter (pir) Radiclif, Head Administrator
> [Signed]
>
> Sean B. Purdy   Eric L. Pederson   Paul Tomblin   Alister J. R. Young
> [Signed]            [Signed]                [Signed]          [Signed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sirs:
}
}       I draw your attention to paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd
} Amendment:  "....and computer technical support people are considered as
} the only personnel qualified for handling any weapons of LART ..."  I
} also wish to point out the definition of "computer technical support
} people"  as defined by The Bylaws of The Committee for Preserving the
} Sanity Of Help Line Staffers (CoPSOHLS):
}
} "A computer technical support person is anyone who fields insipid
} computer related questions from the generally clueless in the course of
} their regular work day.  This may include, but is not limited to, help
} line staffers, your brother-in-law, the grad student unlucky enough to
} be in the computer lab right now, and the guy in the office who bothered
} to take five minutes to learn the stupid machine.  Insipid questions may
} include, but are not limited to, "How do I exit Windows?",  "Should I
} save this report?",  "How do I print this?", and "I just formatted my C:
} drive, and I had no backup copies.  Is this bad?"
}
} Now, if you realize that many of my incarnations are at work, and that
} the vast majority of the questions I receive are insipid, (" HEY D00D,
} WHERE CAN I GET GIFS OF N00D ASIAN CHICKS?????" and ASCII pictures of
} cows) you should realize that I am quite qualified for handling said
} LART weapons.
}
} Thank you,
} T. I. Oracle

Back To Top
 
 

Center of The Universe

--- 932-01 0csyg 3.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, ever-expanding, Oracle, who can travel faster than the speed of
> light, please answer this more-or-less humble supplicant's question:
>
> If the universe is infinite in size, does this mean that any point in
> the universe is technically its center?  If this is the case, does this
> mean that I'm the center of the universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes Supplicant, you have stumbled on a fundamental property.  You are
} the center of the Universe.  Which explains why the Universe looks like
} it is expanding, everything is repulsed by you, and is trying to get
} away from you as fast as possible.

Back To Top
 
 

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

--- 933-10 6mBg6 2.9 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Horticulturally enlightened oracle, whose gardening skills put
> Percy Thrower to shame, please tell me...
>
>  Where *have* all the flowers gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you have stumbled upon one of the most important
} conspiracies of this century.  The Trilateral Commission has been
} sending out the black helicopters full of crack flower-pickers.
} These flower-pickers ensure that the Average American has to go to
} the _Florist_ to buy flowers.  All flower bought at the Florist's
} are treated specifically to make Americans complacent, and to buy
} and eat M&M's, especially the blue ones, which have been treated with
} cobalt to make it easier to track you by the fillings in your teeth.
} The Trilateral Commission keeps track of everyone's location and
} sends it to the North Korean troops hiding in the bayou of Louisiana,
} who are waiting for the signal to start the invasion.  You don't
} believe this do you.  Tell me, have you been exposed to any store
} bought flowers lately?

Back To Top
 
 

Upgrades

--- 936-02 0aqvg 3.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh infallible Oracle, accountant to the Gods, whose columns are roman
> and error-free, whose rows by any other name would smell as sweet,
> tell me:
>
> Does dismantling a computer with a sledgehammer count as research,
> and can I deduct it as a business expense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but, if you're running Windows 95, it does count as an upgrade.

Back To Top
 
 

Larry Nivens

--- 940-03 dtng9 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, who is the rtle model for all reservoirs of knowledge
> throughout Known Space, and whose perfect benefactions makes as nothing
> of any act a human mind could ever concieve of, can you help me with
> the following problem:
>
> Will Larry Nivens new works, having seen a decline in quality in the
> last years, eventually rise to match the splendor and power of his
> earlier makings, or should I save my money for some other author?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, Mr. Niven's work will continue to deteriorate, until it
} resembles this:
}       Ring around the planet
}       Dressing up like Janet
}       Weightless, weightless
}       We all fall down.
} Frightening, isn't it?

Back To Top
 
 

The Handle

--- 944-08 9aumo 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> It's not the handle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's not.  Now let go of it, before I hurt you.

Back To Top
 
 

UUCP

--- 946-03 gjnec 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> UUCP

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, II don't see pee.

Back To Top
 
 

Nickle Candy

--- 949-10 6gmpo 3.5 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,
>   Why O Why is it so hard to find a good nickel candy bar anymore?
>
> Perplexed and Poor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There never has been a good nickel candy bar.  You just end up breaking
} your teeth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good cobalt lollipop.

Back To Top
 
 

Tar and Feather

--- 955-07 buDc4 2.7 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> tar zcfv oracle.tar.gz oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no. Feather is spelt f-e-a-t-h-e-r.  Wait a second.  "Tar and
} feather The Oracle."
} I didn't do anything to you, sure, the Medicine was snake oil.  You
} didn't have to buy it.  Put that rope down.  Come on, Zadoc, time to
} hit the road!

Back To Top
 
 

911

--- 956-01 5mwo6 3.0 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Most wise Oracle, saver of all, keeper of wisdom, super
> great oracle, bla bla bla; I am trapped in this room and
> the fire is spreading. The notice which had the emergency
> phone number is burned, please, please, please, Oracle,
> what is the emergency number?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, are you in luck!  You live in an area where the emergency response
} teams are hooked in to the cellular network.  Now you can reach them
} anywhere.  Just dial the emergency number.
}
} > I don't know the emergency number!  That's why I wrote you!
}
} Okay, just dial 411, that's information.
}
} *What City?*
}
} > Um... Denver.
}
} *What listing?*
}
} > Fire Department!  Hurry!
}
} *One Moment... I'm sorry I can't find Fire Department Hurry.*
}
} > What?
}
} *One moment while I connect you with a reprentative.*
}
} (sigh) "What city?
}
} > Denver!!
}
} All right, quit yelling,  What listing?
}
} > The fire department!  Please hurry!
}
} "...You're serious."
}
} >Yes!
}
} "You moron, what nimnoll told you to call 411 to get the number for
} 911?"
}
} > 911! Thank you!
}
} BOOP BEEP BEEP
}
} *I'm sorry, this cellular customer is out of the calling area.*
}
} > Argh!!!  What should I do now??
}
} I'm sorry, only one question per supplication.
}
} You owe the Oracle,  (sniff-sniff), mmm... toast.

Back To Top
 
 

Serious

--- 965-03 2muw8 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most mighty!
> Whose name is listed on every Eudora "Nicknames" file!
> Who is bundled with every O/S ever conceived!
> Whose Staff of Zot causes all to tremble!
> Who can beat B*ll G*t*s (cursed be his name!) to a bloody pulp anytime
>         he feels like it!
> Whose radiance blinds any poor mortal who looks upon him!
> Whose wisdom is infinite!
> Who sees all!
> Who hears all!
> Who smells all!
> Who tastes all!
> Who feels all!
> Who knows all!
> Who tells all!
> Who thinks all!
> Who reads all!
> Who eats all!
> Who walks all over!
> Who dares all!
> Who, who, who... hoo! I've run out of grovels...
> I, a groveling supplicant, a mere worm, a speck of filth in the
> gutters of time, an unworthy piece of trash who does not deserve to
> be curb-stomped by your glorious sandles, please tell me...
>
> Recently, you blessed me and my monitor by demanding that I answer a
> question from another supplicant. The problem is, well, the question
> seemed *serious*. I mean, the supplicant seemed to be truely questing
> after eternal truths, not just screwing around on his employer's time.
> So, I, er, well...  I answered it seriously.
>
> Can you ever forgive me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  You dare imply that I'm screwing around on my employer's time?
} That's immoral.  Every e-mail we send is serious.  Everything we
} do is serious.  This is a serious dialog.  I'm very serious.  Okay,
} they've stopped looking.  You almost blew my cover.  Shame on you.
} Oops..  yes, I'm still serious.

Back To Top
 
 

Selves

--- 979-04 2hDt8 3.3 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is a self? Does it change? Is it similar to a soul?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A self is a small furry animal that many middle aged men keep as pets.
} However, these beasties are notorious for running away.  As the owners
} are very attached to their pets, they will often buy a new motorcycle
} and drive off, trying to "find my self."
}
} Girlfriends also try to keep these elusive pets, and will often leave
} their boyfriends to find their selves too.  More often than not, the
} self will have dug a burrow in the back yard, and can be drawn out with
} a can of food.
}
} A self and a sole are quite different, a self is, as I said before, a
} small furry animal; a sole is a fish.
}
} you owe The Oracle a can of Self Chow.

Back To Top
 
 

Footnotes

--- 990-07 6bjql 3.5 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh hideous[1] Oracle, who is hung like a horse[2], whose infatuous[3]
> companion Lisa is the envy of all men[4], why do I always[5] feel
> compelled to add footnotes[6] to whatever I write[7]?
>
> [1]  hideous (adj.) - like a hide, i.e. skinny.  From this we infer that
> the Oracle is thought to be beautiful by current Western standards.
>
> [2]  Well, OK, a 3 foot tall miniature pony.  But it's still technically
> a horse.
>
> [3]  infatuous (adj.) - without fat.  See hideous.
>
> [4]  Yes, I know, there are some who prefer other men.  But then there
> are some women who'd envy Lisa, so it balances out in the end.
>
> [5]  Well, almost always[8].
>
> [6]  I think that's what these things are called.  I expect if they were
> to the side of the text, rather than beneath it, they'd be annotations.
>
> [7]  Also to whatever I say, and this tends to confuse many people.
>
> [8]  Did you catch the subtle reference to Gilbert[9] & Sullivan[10]?
>
> [9]  Sir W. S.
>
> [10] Sir Arthur[11].
>
> [11] No relation to the King[12].
>
> [12] A different Arthur.  Probably[13] a Celtic heathen.
>
> [13] It was the Dark Ages, so we'll never[14] be sure.
>
> [14] Unless we ask the Oracle, of course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ritalin [1] can help you keep from jumping from subject to subject
} [2].  And make it easier for you to talk to other people. [3]
}
} [1]  Made by Ciba Geigy
}
} [2]  You need to talk to your Doctor [4] about getting a prescription
} [5].
}
} [3]  Unless they don't like you.
}
} [4]  The Medical kind. [6]
}
} [5]  Also known as a "script" [7]
}
} [6]  I suppose you could talk to a person with a doctorate in math,
} but he [8] won't be able to get you a prescription.[9]
}
} [7]  Not to be confused with the kind used in plays and such.
}
} [8]  "He" was used as a gender neutral pronoun. [10]
}
} [9]  Unless he [11] has stolen a pad from a Medical Doctor.
}
} [10]  I just don't want any one to think I'm sexist.
}
} [11]  See [8] [12]
}
} [12]  You owe the Oracle a road map of the above footnotes.

Back To Top
 
 

Billy Joel

--- 994-03 euqd5 2.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Give us a joke, you're the Orrie man
> Give us a joke tonight.
> And we're sharing a drink called foolishness
> But I'm feelin' all right.
>
> Da, Da da didi da da, Da da da, didi da, Da dum
>
> [Que harmonica solo]
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Insipid whistling]
}
} [Cheesy guitar]
}
} Well, we all have a face that we hide out all along.
} But we take them out and show them off in r-o-hhh-d.
} Some wield Zot staffs, some like Og,
} Some like Lisa, some write a song.
} They're the faces of the Oracle, and we want to let you see.
}
} Well, we all write out answers, but we never send in tellme's
} Though the queue will empty out, there are some who never learn.
} Why were you so surprised when all you sent in were askme's
} Did you ever the others see the queue-drainer in yourself?
}
} Don't be afraid to send again.
} Every incarnation sucks
} Every now and then.
} You've zotted, why can't someone else?
} You should know by now,
} You've been YES NO HELL'd yourself
}
} I used to believe I was a great incarnation
} After all, I had been digested over twenty times.
} When twenty issues came and went without so much an answer
} It was then I felt the priest-hood kick me right between the eyes.
}
} Don't be afraid to send again.
} Every incarnation sucks
} Every now and then.
} You've zotted, why can't someone else?
} You should know by now,
} You've been YES NO HELL'd yourself
}
} You may never understand how the Oracle's inspired.
} But, it isn't always clever, and it is not always long.
} Though you'll have good ideas, you may never get to use them.
} I will just have to abuse them.
} You owe the Oracle a song.
}
} [annoying whistling]

Back To Top
 
 

Death to Og

--- 995-10 ccvkg 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ug here! Ug say o-ra-kul many good. Ug mad Og hog all a-ten-shon. Ug
> know Ug more good than Og. Ug _many_ more good than Og! Ug want know
> how Ug get more a-ten-shon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Orrie!  We've got cave men in the basement again!"
}
} Dammit, the exterminator was here last week.  Let's see... (Opens door)
}
} > Me Ug.
}
} (Slams door)  Damn! A new one.  Ug, Og, Zog, and Thag.  Where's that
} Zot wand?  OKAY! YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS!  HERE I COME!!
}
} (Much carnage occurs as ZOTs and blows from spiky clubs are traded...
} until.)
}
} I think that's the last of them.
}
} > Zog want box with pictures.
}
} *ZOT*       [Thud]
}
} You owe the Oracle an original question, with no cavemen, high priests,
} work-study priests, or net.sex.goddesses.

Back To Top
 
 

The Cult of Oracularity

--- 998-05 7loxd 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Julianna? Julianna Avedon? This is your father speaking? Julianna,
> we've been worried about you joining this 'Internet Oracle' cult.
> Julianna, we love you and only want what is best for you. Julianna,
> we've got a nice man who was recommended to us and can help you.
> Julianna, no, don't hang up. Please, we're your *parents*, we *love*
> you. We would never do anything against you our most darling daughter.
> Julianna, you must understand, this 'Internet Oracle' is not the
> all-seeing all-knowning being that you believe him to be. Julianna, you
> must believe us, he's an evil scheming man and he his controlling your
> mind. Julianna, we don't ask you to leave the cult, we only ask you to
> talk to this nice man. Just for one day, could you just come home for
> one day. One day, that's all we ask for and we promise we'll let you go
> back to The Internet Oracle if you still feel you want to. Please,
> Julianna. Please....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dad, you don't understand, Ian Davis told me all about how you want to
} take me away from my friends, and I don't want to do that.  Paul Kelly
} said that I would be eaten alive by bright red Siamese fighting fish if
} I ever leave. You really should join us, it's beautiful here.  We get
} up in the morning and have gruel for breakfast.  Then we spend two
} hours chanting,
}       Oh Oracle most wise, please lead us on the rhod to wisdom.
}       We subjugate ourselves to you.
}       We ask that you look past our shortcomings
}               and not ZOT us.
}       We look to the priesthood in all things.
}       We turn our backs on the evils of society
}               just to serve you.
}       We avoid mention of the infernal Woodchuck
}               please don't hurt us.
}       And finally, we know you're not as evil scheming man who is
} controlling our minds... High Priest Zadoc told us so.
}
} See Dad?  It's right there in the chant, I'm not being mind controlled.
} I wasn't brain washed, Tom Harrington (we all call him "Tom") called
} it "brain dry cleaning."  So you have nothing to worry about.
}
} Sorry, Dad, I have to go.  It's Kirsten's and my shift.  What?  Oh, we
} have to go beat our heads on the floor before the Oracle.  Bye, Dad.

Back To Top
 

Fish

--- 1040-03 ihlj7 2.8 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Noble Oracle, you are the quoin upon which all knowledge rests!
>
> Which make better pets, gold fish or silver fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               ______
}              |      |
}  ______      | \\// |
} |      |     | /  \ |      ______
} | \\// |     |(    )|     |      |
} | /  \ |     | \__/ |     | \\// |
} |(    )|     |______|     | /  \ |
} | \__/ |                  |(    )|
} |______|                  | \__/ |
}                           |______|
}               gold
}               fish
}   silver    _________
}    fish    |         |
}   _________|         |   bronze
}  |         |         |    fish
}  |         |         |_________
}  |         |         |         |
}  |         |         |         |

Back To Top
 

Don Rosso

--- 1060-08 cpx52 2.5 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Come on Wise and Most Cunning Oracle, spill the beans;
>
> Who Is Mister Big?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that would be Ross Clement.  No, really.  He's not some mild
} mannered kiwi working at the University of Westminster.  You see, that
} whole Artificial Intelligence thing is just a cover.  He's really the
} ring leader of an international consortium for smuggling, you guessed
} it, Multi-Orifice Blowup Dolls.  Ross Clement is not a person to be
} trifled with.
}
} One hears tales about people disappearing... do we really know what
} happened to Otis Viles this summer?  Why does Ian Davis keep
} disappearing?  Where did Richard Wilson slink off to?  Where's Waldo?
}
} Nobody really knows the answers to these questions, but Ross Clement
} has been strangely silent about the whole affair.
}
} True, there's no direct evidence linking Don Rosso, as he prefers to be
} called, to these disappearances, but during a recent interview with
} interfax, he had been quoted as saying, "Struth, these blokes 'ave been
} getting on me arse, so I 'ad me man, Zadoc, teach 'em a lesson, they
} won't forget."  Sounds pretty convincing to me.
}
} You owe Don Rosso^W^Wthe Oracle your friendship.

Back To Top
 

What If?

--- 1092-01 28oza 3.5 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, wise and really nifty Oracle, please tell me,
>
> What would happen if UML and QVC were combined? What if Budapest and
> Salt Lake City were transposed? What would happen if American baseball
> and Japanese hockey were intertwined? What if smoked salmon and haggis
> were configured?
>
> Basically, what if?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sit child, and I shall give you a parable.
}
} There once was a child, let's call him the Supplicant, who went to see
} a great wise man, let's call him the Oracle.  The supplicant spoke to
} the Oracle, "Oh most wise and really nifty Oracle, please tell me, what
} if?"
}
} The Oracle did reply, "What if, what?"
}
} The Supplicant did retort with, "No, just 'What if?'"
}
} The Oracle did grow thoughtful, scratched his long beard, and said unto
} the Supplicant, "That is a very difficult question.  You must live and
} work for me for ten years, before I can answer it."
}
} The Supplicant was determined to get an answer, so he did agree to the
} terms set out by the Oracle.
}
} The Supplicant did labor for the Oracle for ten years.  He cleaned out
} the stables; he mended the knees of the priests' pants, for they did
} wear out quite quickly; he did polish the grand staircase with an old
} toothbrush; and he did kill a hydra (no, not the mythical monster, but
} rather the microscopic animal which lives in ponds.)
}
} One the last day of his servitude, he did come to the Oracle and said,
} "Oh wise and nifty Oracle, I have labored for you for ten years, in
} return you did promise me an answer to my question, 'What if?'  What is
} the answer?"
}
} The Oracle did respond, "Oh, yes, I suppose I did.  Well, you answer
} is... er... Everything would be different."
}
} The Supplicant did grow angry and cried, "You bastard, you don't really
} have an answer, do you?  You just wanted free labor!"
}
} The Oracle did, at that moment, snap his fingers, and the High Priest
} of the Oracle, let's call him Zadoc, did sneak up behind the Supplicant
} and hit him on the head with an iron bar.  The Supplicant then fell
} down and was dragged away, never to be seen again.
}
} Thus endeth the parable.  What have you learned, child?
}
} > That you don't really know the answer, and if I continue to pester
} > you, you will have Zadoc hit me with a piece of rebar, causing severe
} > brain damage, which would automatically qualify me for priesthood?
}
} Very good, child.
}
} > May I go home now?  I'm scared.
}
} Good bye, my child.  You do not owe me anything, today.

Back To Top
 

Infocom

--- 1094-06 89lp9 3.2 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> > n
>
> You exit north.
> You enter into a large antechamber. Fiery braziers burn all around you.
> A massive red carpet leads across the massive room. At the end of the
> carpet is a majestic being on a throne, and a worm-like individual.
>
> > look at worm-like individual
>
> Uncomfortable with your glance, he cowers. He wears tattered clothes,
> and a dented button reading "Zadoc".
>
> > look at majestic being
>
> You look upon the majestic being and know in a second that this is the
> omnipotent Internet Oracle! His Staff of Zot shines brightly at his
> side. His face is only a blur.
>
> > grovel to oracle
>
> You beseech the Oracle, "Oh great and powerful Oracle...". He's heard
> this one before. If you could see his face, you would swear his eyes
> were rolling.
>
> > ask oracle for chicks
>
> The Oracle is bored with these pedantic requests. His finger twitches
> towards the Staff of Zot.
>
> > push button
>
> You see no button here! The Oracle grabs the Staff of Zot.
>
> > push button on plot device
>
> Just as the Oracle aims the Staff of Zot at you, you push the button on
> the Plot Device(tm)....
>
> [DISCONTINUITY]
>
> After a brief blackout, you appear to be a majestic being sitting in a
> chair looking down on a worm-like individual and a lowly, yet familiar
> supplicant that you are in the progress of zotting.
>
> ***ZOT!!!***
>
> The lowly, yet familiar looking supplicant drops the now useless Plot
> Device as he is blasted three dimensions away. The worm-like individual
> cowers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > look
}
} You are now a majestic being.  Around you are a worm-like individual, a
} staff of ZOT, a useless plot device, and a question queue.
}
} > look question queue.
}
} You see a question in the form of an Infocom parody.  "Oh, no, not
} again," you sigh to yourself.
}
} There is a question here
}
} > feed question to useless plot device
}
} The useless plot device grows bigger.
}
} There is a question queue here.
}
} > look question queue
}
} You see a question about woodchucks.  "Oh, no, not again," you sigh to
} yourself.
}
} There is a question here.
}
} > feed question to useless plot device.
}
} The useless plot device grows bigger.
}
} There is a question queue here.
}
} > look question queue
}
} You see a question about cavemen.
}
} There is a question here.
}
} > feed question to useless plot device.
}
} The useless plot device grows into an overused plot device.
}
} There is a question queue, a wormlike individual, and a ZOT staff here.
}
} > feed ZOT staff to overused plot device
}
} The overused plot device grows bigger.
}
} There is a question queue and a wormlike individual here.
}
} > feed wormlike individual to overused plot device
}
} Zadoc kicks and screams like a little girl, but you manage to feed him
} to the overused plot device.  The overused plot device grows bigger and
} achieves critical mass.  The overused plot device explodes and destroys
} everything.
}
} You are dead.
}
} You scored 87 out of a possible 100.
}
} You achieved the rank of old, cynical incarnation.
}
} Play again? (Y/N)

  Back To Top

Am Not!

--- 1259-03 4chc6 3.1 ----------------------------------------------------

Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

 

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.

Your question was:

 

> As poorly qualified as I am to defy The Internet Oracle, I hope you

> will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And

> please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must place blame where

> it belongs -- in the hands of The Internet Oracle and its subhuman

> peons. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar

> theme of my previous letters: We must reach out to people with the

> message that The Internet Oracle's musings are a blatantly obvious and

> cleverly orchestrated script, carefully concocted to intensify race

> hatred. We must alert people of that. We must educate them. We must

> inspire them. And we must encourage them to shoo it away like the

> annoying bug that it is. Goofy, self-satisfied cutthroats are honestly

> the lowest form of human life, as evidenced by the way that The

> Internet Oracle's latest manifesto, like all the ones that preceded it,

> is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with

> misquotations and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are

> occasionally entertaining, but certainly not informative.

>

> We must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We

> must overcome the fear that The Internet Oracle will incite racial

> hatred. And to overcome these fears, we must shatter the adage that

> society is screaming for The Internet Oracle's politics. Because a

> great many decent people are just as distressed as I am about The

> Internet Oracle's sentiments, it therefore stands to reason that I

> doubtlessly hope that the truth will prevail and that justice will be

> served before The Internet Oracle does any real damage. Or is it

> already too late? The answer is not obvious, because The Internet

> Oracle says that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. That's a

> stupid thing to say. It's like saying that twisted primates make the

> best scout leaders and schoolteachers. But there I go again, claiming

> that The Internet Oracle insists that the sky is falling. This is a

> rather strong notion from someone who knows so little about the

> subject. Until we address this issue, we will never move beyond it.

 

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

 

} This is feedback from an Oracle Priest, you anonymity will not been

} compromised, unless we feel like it, in which case, we'll post your

} name, email address, home address, telephone number, and shoe size to

} RHOD for public mocking.

}

} I would like to refute your points in order.

}

} 1) The Oracle's peons are not subhuman.   Each Priest has five fingers

} and toes... except Mark Nolan, but we don't let him out much.

}

} 2) The Oracle's musing are not a blatant and cleverly orchestrated

} script. I defy you to find anything clever in the last digest.

}

} 3) Goofy, self-satisfied cutthroats are not the lowest form of human

} life. Woodchucks are.

}

} 4) "The Internet Oracle's latest manifesto, like all the ones that

} preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing

} teeming with misquotations and inaccuracies..."   Okay, I'll give you

} that.

}

} 5) "...but certainly not informative."  Wrong!  They are highly

} informative. Tim Chew has been following the Oracle advise for years,

} and he has just been able to upgrade to a double wide.

}

} 6) "we must shatter the adage that society is screaming for The

} Internet Oracle's politics."  Then what is all that screaming about

} then?  That's all we ever hear at the temple.  Screaming, screaming,

} screaming.  Oh wait, Ross is just playing his Linkin Park CDs too loud

} again.

}

} Maybe that's what the problem's been all along.   We'll get Ross to play

} something else.

}

} You owe the Priesthood some Air Supply albums.


Back To Top  


So That's Why

--- 1266-09 19pf7 3.3 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle: wise beyond comprehension, humble enough to answer this pitiful
> query.
>
> Subject: Chicken.
> Location: Highway 45, south side.
> Object: Progres to north side.
>
> Please provide motive.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chicken Little looked over her plans once more.  She still could not
} find any flaws.  Goosey Loosey and Cocky Locky agreed, they would make
} their escape that night.  Highway 45 was always deserted that time of
} night.  With luck they would all make it across safely.
}
} Maybe, just maybe, Foxy Loxy was right, and the sky was not falling
} over there, but there was only one way to be sure, and that was to get
} to the other side.

Back To Top

Return to Oracularities

Return To Home