Digested Questions

 
Canadian Invasion Nazca Lines
Inflation
Forgetfulness Paperwork
Ohmigod!
Immortality Domestic Terrorism
NPR
My Headache Gibberish
Plutonium
Questions The Gig's up
At Work
Fringe Groups Aspenwood and Old Lace

Darwin
The Pen Came Back

Canadian Invasion

--- 901-10 3lBve 3.3 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is it true that Canada is planning an invasion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Planning? No...
}
} Executing? Yes...
}
} The Canadian invasion started over 30 years ago, when Lorne Greene
} snuck his way onto a television lot, and picked up the role of Pa on
} Bonanza.
}
} Following in his footsteps, was Alan Thicke, Michael J. Fox, William
} Shatner, started the initial attack. It was silent, stealthy, and no
} one saw it coming. The onslaught continued with Anne Murray, Tom
} Cochrane, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain, Barenaked Ladies, Sloan, and
} the Crash Test Dummies stormed the border, bagpipes a-wailing, striking
} fear in the hearts of Americans (and Grammy judges)
}
} The latest attack has been the hardest... Superspies Jim Carrey and
} Pamela Anderson have made there way into the U.S.A's wallet, tapping
} them for millions of dollars for each appearance...
}
} So, face it... the war has been lost, the U.S. has already been taken
} over by Canadians... and you never new it, because they look just like
} you... eh?
}
} You owe the Oracle two liters of maple syrup, a stubby bottle of beer,
} and a kilo of back bacon.

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Forgetfulness

--- 904-09 AApfa 2.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows who wrote the _Book of Love_,  please tell
> me...
>
> Why can't I remember my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ummmm..I am sorry..but I can't remember the answer....
} You owe the Oracle...ummm..something.

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Immortality

--- 915-06 7qNlh 3.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most beloved of the really smart guys, please tell me...
>
> I've awakened alive everyday for the last twenty seven years.  I have
> never been dead for that time.  Wouldn't logic indicate that after 9,954
> consecutive mornings where I'm not dead, I should never die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SEEKER OF WISDOM ALSO SEEKS LIFE
}
} After nearly 10,000 consecutive days of not being dead, an anonymous
} seeker of wisdom ran out of luck.  Earlier this week he realized
} that in asking the question of the allmighty Oracle he has confirmed
} that he does not have a life at all.  His reaction was an obscure
} suicide note with the words "facinating proof" scrawled in the margin.
} All that remained of the body was a bit of ash where the victim had
} reportedly disappeared in a puff of logic.
}
} "He thought he had it all," the friend of the victim said, "he had
} a great run going, and felt that he was immortal because, after all,
} he hadn't died yet."

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My Headache

--- 921-03 9qFz5 3.0 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose brain never hurts, please tell me...
>
> Who is that little dude, and why does he insist on running a jackhammer
> against the inside of my skull?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From "Field Guide to Minor Gods, Goddesses, Spirits and
} Elementals", published by Olympus University Press, price 2 silver
} talents:
}
} Bichus, minor god.
}
} Provenance: Offspring of Juno. Born nine months after
}             Feast of Saturnalia. Juno claims no memory of
}             circumstances of conception, but Bacchus has
}             subsequently been struck by lightening more
}             often than pure chance would suggest.
}
} Appearance: Pale face, bloodshot eyes, lank hair, unkempt.
}
} Habitat:    Dark rooms, gutters.
}
} Distinguishing marks, gestures, calls:
}             Perspires heavily.
}             Frequently holds hands to head.
}             "Omigods, I swear, never again!"
}
} Regalia:    Traditionally, a muffled drum with a peculiarly
}             penetrating beat, but will use anything that can
}             make an unpleasant monotonous noise.
}
} Relatives:  Sislatsirep, green-faced minor goddess. Frequently
}             seen in her company.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new year resolution.

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Questions

--- 922-10 keAlh 3.0 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is the sky blue?
> Why does the sun come up in the east and not the west?
> Why can't I reach that place in the small of my back where it itches?
> Why doesn't Nightmare Ned OD on NoDoz and never fall asleep again?
> Why won't my insurance pay for SRS?
> Will SRS improve my love life?
> Will my love life improve?
> Will you prove my life?
> Why do pilots say roger?
> Why do I watch Mr. Rogers?
> Will you fix my watch?
> How do planes fly?
> How does Superman fly?
> Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
> What is a walk through?
> Can I walk though a wall?
> How does a can walk?
> Can a can be leash trained?
> Why does the only Scotsman in 'Highlander' play a Spaniard?
> Isn't he really an Egyptian?
> How did the Egyptians build the pyramids?
> Did aliens help them?
> Are aliens out there?
> Is THE TRUTH out there?
> What is THE TRUTH?
> When will we know?
> When will this list end?
> Why didn't I stop there?
> What's My problem?
> What the answer?
> Who?
> What?
> Where?
> When?
> Why?
> How?
> How Much?
> How much wood would a w--dchuck chuck if a w--dchuck could chuck wood?
> How much mix would a mixer mix if a mixer could mix mix?
> How many bats would a batter bat if a batter could bat bats?
> How can I get my batting average up?
> How can I get my math average up?
> How can I avoid math?
> How will math help me?
> Will you help me?
> How do you spell help?
> How do you cast a spell?
> What is the complete cast of Les Mis?
> Will Gen. Halftrack ever catch Ms. Buxley?
> What is half a track?
> Can you track only half?
> Will I ever stop?
> Will they end up taking me away?
> Where will they take me?
> Where is the funny farm?
> Who is Napoleon III?
> Was Napoleon ill?
> Am I ill?
> Are You?
> RU?
> R2D2?
> C D Puppies?
> Would you please answer my questions Oh Oracle most wise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because its girlfriend just left it.
} It doesn't want to confuse you.
} Because you're not a chimpanzee.
} Because OD'ing on NoDoz would kill him.
} Because paying for Some Real Sex amounts to prostitution, which is
}   illegal.
} Wouldn't you like to know?
} Nope, sorry.
} Only you can prove your life--look up Descartes.
} In honor of their greatest hero, Roger Ramjet.
} Simple pleasures for simple minds.
} No, but you _could_ start running west, really, really fast.
} By flapping their arms and thinking of Victoria Principal's little
}   sister, Bernoulli.
} If you wore pants that tight, you'd fly too.
} It wouldn't matter what you called it, it wouldn't come.
} It's sort of like a doorway, but it's not.
} Sure!  Give it a try!
} On its little legs.
} No, but it can be freight trained.
} It's called "creative casting."
} No, he isn't.
} They used Acme Instant Pyramid (just add water).
} Yeah, Jose and Enrico helped them.
} Sure, East Los Angeles is FULL of them.
} Yes, it is.
} That "THE TRUTH" is a figment of a writer's imagination--shh, it's a
}   secret.
} When you get this reply from Me.
} Not soon enough, that much is certain.
} It's genetic.
} See above; it has to do with inbreeding.
} Flossing is the answer.
} Me, the Internet Oracle.
} A thunderbolt.
} You're sitting on the spot marked "X."
} Immediately.
} Because I'm annoyed.
} At the speed of light.
} Until nothing remains.
} Two cords an hour until I <ZOT!> both of you.
} This question is the offspring of a demon and a woodchuck.
} So is this one; you need an exorcism, quickly.
} Bribe the kid who keeps the records.
} By turning off your computer.
} By showing you just how many Big Macs to make when you have to make
}   three orders at once.
} Sure I will.
} Z, O, T.
} I get Zeus to do that magic stuff for me--he's more flashy than I am.
} Me, Lisa, Zadoc, Darkmage, Zeus, Kirsten Chevalier; guest-starring Joel
}   Furr as "Lemur Boy," and Joann Worley as AOLisa.
} Nope.  Sad, isn't it?
} It's sort of a horseshoe shape.
} Yes; it's twice as easy, in fact.
} Definitely.
} Not if I can <ZOT!> you first.
} Away from that computer, I hope.
} Look around you.
} He was Emperor of France and Protector of Mexico in the 1870s, until he
}   made the mistake of declaring war on Prussia.
} When he got deposed, he was.
} I'd have to say, yes.
} Not yet, but I'm getting there.
} No, I'm not R. U. Sirius.
} C3PO.
} No, I don't see any puppies.
} Yes, I'd answer your questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of reasons _not_ to <ZOT!> you.

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Fringe Groups

--- 932-05 6syl1 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose something is really something great, please
> tell me...
>
> I'm wanting to get in to domestic terrorism, and I heard that the
> Internet is the best place to find all sorts of fringe groups.  Can you
> tell me which ones are the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably the best of all the fringe groups is alt.sewing.fringe.
} In this group, you can learn how to make yourself a Daniel Boone
} deerskin jacket, or a 70's era dancin' suit, with rhinestones and
} flashing fringes, for the disco fool inside of us all!
}
} You owe the Oracle 19.95.  But wait! There's more...

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Darwin

--- 942-07 5ixo9 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, most fantastic, please tell me...
>
> Why are the lines at the banks so long?  The people up front aren't
> doing anything.  They're just standing there.  What I mean is: would it
> be all right if I just WHIPPED OUT AN UZI AND SPRAYED THE ROOM, or do
> you think that would be rude?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the days when only the rich had need for a bank, the lines were
} quite small. Service was quick and the clerks most helpful.  Now the
} masses have grown to an unmanageable size and the banks have decided to
} help Darwinian Evolution.
}
} It is a double pronged approach.
}
} The clerks work slower than ever in order to let the lines grow. When
} the line grows to a predetermined size, half of the clerks take off for
} lunch. The remaining clerks will then proceed with one of two actions:
} Slow down even further, or claim their computer-terminal is off-line.
}
} Sometime after that, it is well documented that someone will, indeed,
} pull out an uzi and spray the room. Those smart enough to know this
} will happen will have already left. Those less smart but still smarter
} than sheep will manage to duck for cover the second the Uzi-Wielder
} theatrically opens his over-coat to retrieve said weapon.
}
} Those unfortunate enough to get hit will die, thinning the population
} and saving the gene-pool from their less-than-desirable genes.
}
} The bank tellers are of course, protected by bullet-proof glass.
}
} The second prong of this is that the Uzi-Wielder will be put to death
} as soon as they are caught, convicted, sentenced  and waste millions of
} dollars on their Court Appeals. This saves the gene-pool from
} overly-aggressive and impatient genes.
}
} So, impatient Supplicant, you have Three Choices:
}    Wait as long as you can tolerate it and hope the clerks get to you
} before someone draws their Uzi.
}    Wait as long as you can tolerate it and make sure you draw your Uzi
} first.
}    Bank by Modem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1st Edition copy of "Origin of the Species".

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Nazca Lines

--- 949-05 btvg6 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

[This had been edited prior to digestion, which, I think, ruined the joke.  I've restored it.]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>\
> \
>  \
>   \
>   /
>  /
> /
>/
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really you supplicants are losing your respect for me.  No grovel no
} decent question.  Anyway I will answer it.
}
} The imagery seen in this question harks back to the Nazca lines in the
} Mexican desert.  These lines were put down to guide the gods from other
} planets to Earth to dispense knowledge and wisdom.  Or so people think.
} Supplicant, you may already know that these lines are in fact a hoax.
} Like the crop circles in the UK I put these lines here, it's kind of an
} etch-a-sketch for the gods, just we forgot to shake the planet around
} to remove them.  Last time we did clear the lines away so we could have
} another game of battleships all the dinosaurs disappeared so we figured
} we'd better not do it again.  That's why they appear all over the
} place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a minature of Stonehenge.

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Paperwork

--- 946-07 2gpw9 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose pens never run out of ink, especially when he's
> writing a check, and the cashier doesn't have a pen of her own, please
> tell me...
>
> How can I get rid of all this paper work, without just throwing it
> away? I may need it later.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you didn't need it later, I could give you a hundred and
} one ways to get rid of it.  That little condition complicates
} matters, however.
}
} Oh, I know what you could do.  Go find one of those photocopiers
} that can handle 11-by-17 paper.  Put two sheets of your paperwork
} side by side, then copy them at half size, so they'll fit on one
} piece of letter paper.  Throw away the originals, and do the same
} thing to the next two sheets of your paperwork.  Then take the two
} photocopies, put them side by side, and reduce them.  With a little
} bit of work, you can jam all your paperwork onto a single piece of
} paper.  When you need the paperwork back again, just reverse the
} process!  (Sure, it'll be a little grainy, but it's well worth the
} convenience, wouldn't you say?)
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _The Decline and Fall of the Roman
} Empire_ on a postage stamp.

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Domestic Terrorism

--- 962-05 3oIt4 3.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose something is really something great, please
> tell me...
>
> I'm wanting to get in to domestic terrorism, and I heard that the
> Internet is the best place to find all sorts of fringe groups.  Can you
> tell me which ones are the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I think that the Afghan fringe groups are the best.  My auntie
} Delphi used to crochet large afghans, whilst waiting for supplicants,
} and she always put a fringe on them.  They were terrible, the fringes
} always falling off when we took them home.  Domestic terror for sure.
} You can't even begin to imagine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Galois group.

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Gibberish

--- 973-08 4murc 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Rd ip.ay Rpajn,  Ln.ao. y.nn m. ,df C jabbry go. a "<>PYF t.fxrapdv

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I know, the entire State of Maine is like that.  Nevertheless,
} at your age you should have known better than to lick the telephone
} pole in January.  They'll get to you as soon as they can.
}
} You owe the Oracle a snowmobile, I can see you already built...or
} are...the ramp.

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The Gig's up

--- 992-05 7gwtf 3.3 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> That's right, answer boy, the gig's up.  Put the woodchuck down, your
> hands up, and step away from the keyboard.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FIVE WAYS TO END THE ORACLE STORY:
}
} 1: The Tarantino twist:
}
}       The scene: ORACLE and WOODCHUCK, both badly shot up, lying on the
} floor. Sounds from outside reveal that the warehouse is surrended by
} the police.
}
} ORACLE (to woodchuck): Don't worry, kid. Everything's gonna be all
} right. We'll do the time in no time.
}
} WOODCHUCK: I'm a cop.
}
} ORACLE: What? I didn't hear you.
}
} WOODCHUCK: Larry^H^H^H^H^H Orrie, I'm a cop.
}
} ORACLE: WHAT? AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!!
}
} <Oracle fires his gun repeatedly at the Woodchuck. Police shout
} warnings. Fade out to the sound of several guns firing.>
}
} 2: Butch and Sundance melodrama:
}
}       The scene: Orrie and the Woodchuck lying on the floor of a small
} cottage, both bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds. The cottage is
} surrounded by the entire Bolivian Army.
}
} ORACLE: So, how do you feel about going to Australia?
}
} WOODCHUCK: Oh no, not another half-brained idea.
}
} ORACLE: Let's blast our way out of here.
}
} WOODCHUCK: Keep thinking. That's what you're good at.
}
} <Picture freezes as Orrie and the Woodchuck storm out of the cottage.
} The sound of lots and lots of gunfire is gradually replaced by a sad
} variant of the theme music. Roll credits.>
}
} 3: The Crying Game Scam:
}
}       The scene: A wee cottage. Orrie is there, and the Woodchuck,
} wearing a dress.
}
} WOODCHUCK (in an Irish accent): Top o' the mornin' to ya, Orrie, oy
} have ta tell ya somethin'.
}
} ORACLE: Oh? What?
}
} WOODCHUCK: Oy'm not raylly a beeuutefuhl woman. Oy'm a woadchock.
}
} ORACLE: WHAT? AAAARRRGGGGHHH.
}
} <fade out as Orrie faints from the terrible shock.>
}
} 4: Star Wars Climax:
}
}       The Scene: Orrie and the Woodchuck face to face in a lightsabre
} fight, *mano a woodchucko*.
}
} ORRIE: I'm gonna git ya, sucka (I had to put *some* blaxploitation
} stuff in here somewhere).
}
} WOODCHUCK (voice of James Earl Jones): Orrie, I am your father.
}
} ORACLE: Say what?
}
} WOODCHUCK (voice of James Earl Jones) : I am your father.
}
} ORACLE: WHAT??? ARRRRRGGGGHHH.
}
} <then a terrible fight in space breaks out, culminating with the
} explosion of the INDIANA.EDU-Star.>
}
} 5: Beavis and Butthead:
}
}       The scene: The Internet Oracle, wearing a 'Sepultura' T-shirt,
} and the Woodchuck, wearing a 'Korn' T-shirt, sitting on a couch
} watching the computer screen.
}
} ORACLE: Uh huh-huh, huh-huh. This sucks. Some guy is saying that the
} gig's up.
}
} WOODCHUCK: Uh-huh-huh, mmhh-heh-heh. You said 'up'.
}
} ORACLE: Yeah. That was cool. Uh-huh-huh. Well, I think I'll have to go
} 'put down the woodchuck'. Uh-huh-huh, huh-huh.
}
} WOODCHUCK: You said 'wood'. Uh-huh-huh.
}
} <Orrie gets up and leaves the picture.>
}
} WOODCHUCK: 'Wood'. Uh huh-huh.
}
} <Show another music video, then roll credits.>
}
} You owe the Oracle a movie deal.

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Aspenwood and Old Lace

--- 993-05 benpn 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> (There is a knock on the door, ABBY and MARTHA, two sweet, charming old
> ladies, answer the door.  ZADOC, a shabby, disheveled high priest of
> The Internet Oracle, stands outside.)
>
> Abby:  How do you do.
>
> Zadoc:  I understand you have a room to rent.
>
> Abby:  Of course, I'm Miss Brewster, and this is my sister, another
> Miss Brewster.
>
> Martha:  Hello.
>
> Zadoc:  My name is Zadoc.
>
> Abby:  Come in Mr. Zadoc.  (ZADOC enters)  Sit down, we want to get to
> know you.
>
> Zadoc:  That won't matter, if I don't like the room.
>
> Martha:  Are your family Brooklyn people?
>
> Zadoc:  I haven't got a family; I live with an Oracle, don't like it.
>
> Abby:  All alone in the world?
>
> (ABBY and MARTHA exchange a look.  MARTHA goes to the sideboard, and
> takes out a bottle of wine, and a glass.)
>
> Zadoc:  Well-
>
> Abby:  Mr. Zadoc, why don't you try a glass of our wine?
>
> Zadoc:  Never touch it, after this episode in Mexico...  The room?
>
> (Enter TEDDY from the cellar,  TEDDY is a large man, who bears an
> uncanny resemblance to Theodore Roosevelt.)
>
> Teddy:  I've just finished digging the new locks for the Canal, so,
> Aunt Martha, Aunt Abby, if you don't mind, I'll retire.
>
> Martha:  Thank you, Teddy.
>
> Teddy: (As he approaches the landing at the top of the stairs)
> CHARGE!!!
>
> Zadoc:  Who was that?
>
> Martha:  One of our nephews, he thinks he's President Roosevelt.
>
> Zadoc:  I see, and the reason he...
>
> Abby:  The stairs are always San Juan Hill.  Are you sure about the
> wine? It's elderberry wine.  We make it ourselves.
>
> Zadoc:  Elderberry wine?  I haven't had elderberry wine since I was a
> boy.
>
> (ZADOC takes the offered glass, and raises it to his lips...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ... then stops and observes the glass suspiciously.)
}
} Zadoc:  Wait a second, this wine has an unusual scent.
}
} Abby:  (laughing nervously) Why, Mr. Zadoc, I assure you it's just
} ordinary elderberry wine!
}
} Zadoc:  (waving the glass slowly under his nose) Amusing, but with a
} musky bouquet ... strong fruity ambience ... with a slight undertone of
} ... aspen wood.
}
} Martha:  Oh, my, a true wine connoiseur!
}
} (Zadoc rises and moves to the window, holding the wine up to the
} sunlight.)
}
} Zadoc:  Yes ... a most oblique body and cocquettish flow ... a rich
} melodic hue with a light leafy character.
}
} Abby:  How exciting!  You must taste it now, Mr. Zadoc!
}
} Zadoc:  Of course.
}
} (Zadoc briskly raises the glass to his lips again and swishes the wine
} around his mouth, swallows it, then drains the glass.)
}
} Zadoc:  How delicious!
}
} (Zadoc immediately crumples into the window seat, lifeless.)
}
} Abby:  (in a strangely gruff, high-pitched voice) All right, let's drag
} his sorry butt out of here.
}
} Martha:  (in a similar voice) Hold on!  We need to get his terminal
} ready first.
}
} Abby:  Fine, let's just hurry.
}
} (The two elderly ladies open the basement door and scurry downstairs.
} As they vanish from sight, the front door opens, and the handsome,
} dashing INTERNET ORACLE enters.)
}
} Oracle:  Abby!  Martha!  It is I, your nephew, Orrie!
}
} (Silence.)
}
} Oracle:  Hello?  Martha?  Abby?
}
} (The Oracle enters the room, looks around, and sees Zadoc's body
} sprawled out in the window seat.)
}
} Oracle:  Great Scott!  It's Zadoc!  And he's ...
}
} (Abby and Martha return from the basement, huffing and puffing.)
}
} Martha:  Oh, hello, dear!
}
} Oracle:  Abby!  Martha!  There's a dead man in your house!
}
} Abby:  Yes, dear, we know ... Forget you ever saw the gentleman.  We
} never dreamed you'd peek!
}
} Oracle:  That's no gentleman, that's my high priest, Zadoc!
}
} Martha:  (beginning to shake profusely) Why, Orrie, dear, do you know
} this man?  He said the only person he knew was an Oracle.
}
} Oracle:  All right, aunts, I must tell you.  I, the one you know as
} your sweet young nephew Orrie, am in reality The Internet Oracle.  And
} this man, Zadoc, is my high priest.
}
} Abby:  (in a hoarse, choked whisper to Martha) You incredible
} blockhead!  I thought you checked this place out!
}
} Oracle:  What?
}
} Abby:  Nothing!  Well, Orrie, you've caught us!  Ha ha!  We, uh ... we
} do this as a charitable act!  Yeah, that's the ticket!  Charitable!
}
} Martha:  Yeah!  Ha ha!  We find these pathetic loser types and make
} them drink our homemade elderberry wine, which we've laced with --
}
} Abby:  Arsenic!
}
} Martha:  Arsenic?
}
} Abby:  (with a swift elbow to Martha's ribs) Yes, arsenic!  Ha ha!  We
} kill them to put them out of their misery, then we give them a decent
} burial.
}
} Martha:  In the basement.
}
} (Abby decks Martha with a hard right.)
}
} Oracle:  The basement?
}
} Abby:  Um, yes, Teddy helps us ... dig graves!  We tell him it's the
} Panama canal.
}
} Oracle:  You kill innocent people and bury them in your basement?
}
} Martha:  Don't forget, they're pathetic losers.
}
} Oracle:  (glancing at Zadoc's body) Well, I'll give you that one ...
}
} Abby:  So you can see that everything's really okay, you can just run
} along, and we'll take care of your friend Zadoc here.  Goodbye.
}
} Oracle:  (staring at the open basement door) What's that clicking
} sound?
}
} Martha:  There's no clicking sound.
}
} Abby:  You don't hear a clicking sound.
}
} Martha:  It's probably my stomach.
}
} (The Oracle moves to the basement door and peers down.)
}
} Oracle:  No, I hear clicking, and ... and that was a modem!
}
} Martha:  Cockroaches!
}
} Abby:  Mice!
}
} (The Oracle starts down the basement stairs.)
}
} Martha:  No!  You can't go down there!
}
} (Martha and Abby grab the Oracle's sleeves, but the Oracle shakes them
} off and marches down the stairs.  Suddenly he sees a dimly lit hall
} with tiny cubicles dug out of the floor.  Row after row of pale,
} zombie-like people sit staring into monochrome monitors, typing
} endlessly on dirty keyboards. Aghast at the sight, the Oracle moves
} closer to see what they are typing.)
}
} Zombie 1:  How much wood would a --
}
} Oracle:  No!
}
} Zombie 2:  woodchuck chuck if a --
}
} Oracle:  It can't be!
}
} Zombie 3:  woodchuck could chuck wood?
}
} Oracle:  No!  The horror!
}
} (The Oracle runs from the basement screaming in terror.)
}
} Oracle:  I can't believe it!  My own family!  My aunts!  Responsible
} for the unending torrent of w**dchuck questions!
}
} Martha:  Oh no!  He knows it all now!
}
} Abby:  (with a cruel sneer) Get a grip, you simp.  Oracle!  You want
} the truth?  Here's the truth!  We lure losers here, and we give them
} elderberry wine.  But it's not laced with arsenic.  It's laced with
} aspen wood!  We drug them and make them our slaves!  Night and day they
} toil!  We sign each one up with an ISP (You don't need to buy Internet
} access to use free Internet e-mail.  Get completely free e-mail from
} Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866])
} and they send woodchuck question after woodchuck question until they
} die!  Ha ha ha ha ha!
}
} Oracle:  (sobbing) My relatives, my own relatives ... Inanity runs in
} my family!  It practically gallops!
}
} Martha:  But we're not your aunts.
}
} Oracle:  What?
}
} Abby:  Shut up, "Martha".
}
} Oracle:  What did you say?
}
} Martha:  (shaking again) Nothing.
}
} Oracle:  You said you're not my aunts!
}
} (The Oracle walks menacingly toward the two old ladies.)
}
} Abby:  Get back!
}
} (The Oracle lunges and grabs them by the hair.  Suddenly their masks
} fly off, revealing the two not to be Orrie's aunts Abby and Martha, but
} two giant whimpering R.O.U.S. gang members [* See Ish #988-06 - Ed.])
}
} Oracle:  Marmots!
}
} Abby:  All right, all right, now you know everything.  We ditched the
} old ladies and took over their operation.  So sue us!
}
} Oracle:  (in calm, measured tones) Lawsuits won't be necessary, boys.
} In fact, you won't need any kind of suit at all!
}
} (sfx: Much screaming, zotting, and bloodshed ensues.  The R.O.U.S. are
} zotted soundly, as are all the pitiful zombies in the basement.)
}
} Oracle:  (running out the front door, and calling for Lisa)  Lisa!
} Lisa, darling, can you hear me?  I'm not the son of a w**dchuck!  And
} moreoveor, I've permanently solved the problems of w**dchuck questions,
} Juno incarnations, and inanity!
}
} (As the Oracle leaves, Zadoc awakes and rubs his eyes.)
}
} Zadoc:  I forgot what a hangover I get from elderberry wine.  I need to
} I need to go toss a two by four.
}
} ... You owe the Oracle a starring (and victorious) role in "Aspenwood
} and Old Lace II:  The Final Conflict".

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The Pen Came Back

--- 1008-10 7htt7 3.1 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose bigness embiggens even the littlest of us,
> please tell me...
>
> I have a nice pen, unlike every other nice pen I have ever owned,
> this one was completely free.  It was not like I had to pay for it,
> or that some one gave it to me as a gift.  It just showed up on my
> desk one day.  The interesting thing about it, though, is it will
> not get lost.  I cannot lose it.  I dropped it in the parking lot,
> and two days later it was right there, next to my car.  I dropped it
> inside my car, and a day later, it rolled out from under the seat.
> I even loaned it to a postal carrier, who lost it; it still came back
> to me!  How can I get rid of this pen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my now-slightly-bigger but still puny supplicant, you've stumbled
} upon a Cursed -3 Pen of Returning.  You'll need to find a fountain (if
} it's a fountain pen) or a Blessed Hammer of Smashing To Bits otherwise.
} But don't be discouraged.  I've consulted with my divine copyright
} lawyers, and have determined that the following Oracular Song Parody
} is just the ticket to keep your spirits up.
}
} The Pen Came Back
}
} Woe-ridden supplicant, problems of his own.
} He found a classy pen that wouldn't leave him alone.
} He tried and he tried to give the pen away.
} He dropped it underneath his car and drove to Tampa Bay...
}
} But the pen came back the very next day.
} Yes, the pen came back.  They thought it was a goner,
} But the pen came back.  It just wouldn't stay away.
}
} He gave it to the postman, with a money order.
} He told the man to take the pen and mail it 'cross the border.
} The postman died, and may God rest his soul,
} The coroner said "Cause of death: a little pen-sized hole."
}
} But the pen came back...
}
} The man around the corner said he'd melt the pen on sight.
} He reprogrammed his microwave, it took him half the night.
} He waited... and he waited... 'till the pen came rolling round
} And charred and melted pieces of the man was all they found...
}
} But the pen came back...
}
} [Oracular Disclaimer: The following verse is unmodified.]
}
} The H-bomb fell the very next day.
} The A-bomb fell in the very same way.
} Russia went!  England went!  And then the USA.
} The entire human race was left without a chance to pray...
}
} But the pen came back...

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Inflation

--- 1026-09 3bsDk 3.6 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose shoes never get gum on the soles, please
> tell me...
>
> You've got espresso, cappuccino, latte, and cafe' au lait, plus
> there's all those flavorings.  What ever happened to a cup of coffee,
> with a little bit of milk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Economics my friend economics. See here supplicant, here's a potato.
} Now, how much would you pay for this potato?
}
} > 20 cents I guess
}
} OK, I do a quick slice and fry up. Now it's a packet of crisps.
} How much would you pay for that very same potato?
}
} > 40 cents, maybe
}
} OK, now I slice it thicker, and make crinkle cut french fries.
} How much would you pay for that?
}
} > I dunno. 'bout a dollar maybe.
}
} See, the more it's processed, the more you pay for it. What do you
} expect commercial food suppliers with half a brain to do? Now, I cut
} it up a bit, shape it, roll it, there, a Toyota GT-One fully gassed
} up and ready to win Le Mans. That'd go for about a cool million.
}
} > From a potato? How did you do that?
}
} I *am* The Oracle you know. Now, do you understand the answer to
} your question?
}
} > Yes, by calling the coffee by strange names, and making increasingly
} > esoteric drinks from it, complete suckers like, oh er, erm, me,
} > pay increasing amounts for what is essentially the same thing.
}
} Correct. You owe The Oracle a Dune Buggy.
}
} > Can't I just give you a potato and you can make yourself one?
}
}                       ><><><><><>< ZOT ><><><><><><><

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Ohmigod!

--- 1035-06 7gvi5 3.0 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ohmigod!  They killed Zadoc!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cut!
}
} Ok, That should be enough footage to convince the IRS that Zadoc's
} dead. Only 200,000 priests to go, and there'll be no more of that
} Employee Tax to pay.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle a better way to revive decapitated priests.

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NPR

--- 1073-04 cym52 2.3 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> So, I'm driving to work this morning, listening to Morning Edition (TM)
> on NPR, when they announce that you're a "Proud sponsor of National
> Public Radio."  When did this happen?  Did Carol finally pester you
> enough?  Don't get me wrong, NPR is a great institution, but I never
> really thought it was your style.
>
> Anyway, thanks for keeping NPR on the air.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, y'know, I had to clean things up a bit. They won't let you
} smoke those big stogies in the studio and cursing like a sailor is
} right out as well. They told me the two call girls that I promised
} could tag along had to stay outside the booth, but that's alright
} since it actually boosted their revenues.
}
} The gig came about when Cokie called me up on my cell phone last
} November and said, "Orrie, baby. My producers were wondering if you'd
} like to do a little stint on NPR. You'd just have to pop in once a week
} or so and tape a few segments for the week." I wasn't sure if that's
} what I wanted to do with my time, since I enjoy answering questions
} all day and night up on this hill. But when she mentioned the cash,
} I thought "what the heck...I can upgrade the server, get some of
} those Cuban stogies and still have enough left over for the girls.
} Carl had nothing to do with it. She just sits around on her fat ass
} all day watching Ricki Lake. Guess someone has to.
}
} Anyway, thanks for appreciating the segments. One day, I'll have
} to give 'em a listen myself. You know, for quality control and all.
} In the meantime, it's back to the daily grind of answering questions
} (and my fan mail).
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of M&M's, without the green ones.

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Plutonium

--- 1053-05 azta0 2.5 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I tried following your advise, but the plutonium
> sphere just won't fit.  Should I try pounding it with a hammer or
> something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, this is most distressing.  I told you your daughter wanted
} Pluto, AKA Pluto the dog.  Definitely not Plutonium.  However, if
} you've already invested in the Plutonium sphere, you might as well use
} it - all kids love dazzling fireworks.  You show much insight into
} physics by proposing to use M.C.Hammer, however, years of abuse have
} inured Plutonium to it.  I suggest you use the infamous Spice Girls.
} Place the Plutonium sphere in a lead hermetically sealed container and
} divide it in two. Upon hearing the dastardly bad music,  the Plutonium
} balls will scurry around in attempted escape, clash into each other
} forcibly and the rest is up to modern physics.
} This works marvellously well on human beings too, but the results are
} less spectacular.
}
} Happy Birthday!
}
} You owe the Oracle a rock band named 'The Plutonium Balls'.

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At Work

--- 1272-06 3clc6 3.1 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please help me.  I am one of the few people stuck at work today.
> Apparently, I didn't get the memo that managers were not to come in.
> Because no one is here, and our clients and vendors aren't in either,
> there is nothing going on.  I am running out of things to do.  I've
> already wandered the corridors aimlessly, and intimidated the people
> who actually have things to do.  I also been keeping an eye on the
> coffee pot.  I now turn to you, in a transparent attempt to amuse
> myself while I'm at the office.  Can you suggest something to do that
> looks vaguely worklike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1)    Write "I will not show off" in Olde Englishe letters on the
}       chalkboard five hundred times.
} 2)    Stare at butts, any butts, cigarette butts, rifle butts,
}       co-worker butts, dog butts, until you get someone's attention.
}       When someone gets up the courage to ask why, tell them it
}       was an assignment from senior management, and since I've
}       been on your board of directors for five minutes with eight
}       thousand put options, you won't be lying.
} 3)    Draw said butts in a collage and send them to me as a PNG,
}       just in case someone calls security to verify your story.
} 4)    Send an anonymous e-mail to the IRS telling them that
}       they'll get this month's financial statement next year.
}       Include the same attachment you sent to me as a PNG.
} 5)    Remember that coffee pot you've been watching?
}       Go out to the street. Ask for three grams of something green and
}       spicy. Buy it if it smells good and sweet. Buy about 100mL of
}       propylene glycol (vanilla flavouring). Boil them together for
}       about five minutes, but avoid giving yourself away with the
}       resultant odour. Spike the coffee with the filtered part,
}       and eat the rest.
} 6)    Go to your boss's office (or appropriate his e-mail account,
}       whichever is either more prudent or practical), and send an
}       e-mail from it demanding that people stop masturbating in
}       the washrooms, and that if this practice must continue at
}       all, then it should be done in the privacy of your office
}       or cubicle.
} 7)    Don't forget to take copies of all his voice messaging for
}       an assignment you will give to stoned Enjineers.
} 8)    Get the Geers to take his syllables out of context to make the
}       following messages:
}       "Your ass? My office. Pronto!"
}       "Tell me what to lick."
}       "What KIND of cream would you LIKE in your coffee?"
} 9)    Hav them do the same kind of thing you did in #6, except
}       they'll randomly select only one of the messages designed
}       in #8. They can also pick members of senior management to...
}       Tell them that they're "modulating senior management".
}       That'll make sense when they're stoned.
} 10)   Buy The Internet Oracle five hundred call-options
}       in your public relations contractor.

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