Undigested Answers

 
10-D Strings King of Raleigh The Oven Union
A story Latin America The Royal Colony
ACC Leaks Tie Dyes
Al-Goreism Mob Training Viscosity
Clinton's penis Poor DMP War with Durham
Drinking coffee Prime Numbers
Ebola The ode

10-D Strings


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose knowledge of high energy physics blows a certain
> S. Hawking out of the water, please tell me...
>
> What's all this I hear about 10 dimensional strings, and are they available
> in three inch lengths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, supplicant, it is true that the universe is held together with
} 10-dimensional strings.  And duct tape.  Lots of duct tape.  But even the
} astute Dr. Hawking cannot tell you what all of these dimensions are, so
} prepare to be enlightened:
}
} 1) Right and left.
}
} 2) Up and down.
}
} 3) In and out.  Trust me, this dimension *does* exist, even though you
} can't make your mouse move that way.
}
} 4) Time.  I understand that this dimension can now be yours for only
} $49.95 for a 6-month trial subscription.
}
} 5) A time-related dimension that causes time-dilation phenomena.  It is
} this dimension that is responsible for time running faster when you are
} late for a meeting and then running slower when you are actually in the
} meeting.  This dimension is also responsible for the fact that your line
} at the grocery store always moves the slowest, except for that time you
} got behind the gorgeous blonde and they immediately opened another
} checkstand and moved you to it.
}
} 6) The dimension of lost stuff.  This is where the extra socks from the
} dryer go, along with your luggage if you fly through Chicago.
}
} 7) The ethics dimension.  If you could make contact with this dimension,
} you would find the part of Bill Gates that is not greedy and the
} trustworthy part of Bill Clinton.
}
} 8) The spam dimension.  Trust me, you just want to avoid this one.
}
} 9) Sorry, the function of this dimension is classified.  You must be at
} least a class-2 omniscient being to access this information.
}
} 10) The buggy dimension.  I could have told old Yahweh not to use a
} single-digit field for dimensions (or at least to do it in hex to give
} himself more room, though when I mentioned that to him he muttered
} something about making it too hard on the glove industry, but I digress
} ...).  The overflows from this dimension are responsible for most of what
} goes wrong in the rest of the universe.  That bit about the couple with
} the apple is just a cover, metaphorically suggesting that if you only
} have one byte, all hell will break loose.
}
} So that is what the 10 dimensions do.  As for getting a 3-inch length,
} I'm afraid that wouldn't do you much good.  They tried to use a string
} that short to hold together Yugoslavia, and you see how well that worked.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of the Silly String they used for Australia.

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A story

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Uncle Orrie, tell me about Barnacle Bill and the five gophers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  BARNACLE BILL AND THE FIVE GOPHERS
}
}  Once upon a time there were five gophers - Mama and Papa
}  gopher, Baby gopher, Grandma gopher and Uncle gopher (who
}  had lived with the family since the devastating gopher
}  calicivirus had wiped out most of his family on the West coast).
}  Gophers like to live as an extended family* so they all got
} along
}  famously.  They lived in a bustling sea port which may have
}  been Annapolis**.
}
}  One morning the gopher family sat down for breakfast - porridge
}  it was, but it was too hot, and the whole family went out for a
} walk
}  along the shorefront, and to count up how many containers were
}  lying idle in the fourth year of the wharf dispute. Captain
} Bill,
}  Barnacle Bill as he was known, had sailed into the port that
}  morning and was looking forward to a good hot breakfast. It was
}  a Sunday morning, however, and everyone (except the Gopher
}  family) was still asleep after a wild Saturday night, or had
} gone to
}  Church (well, that only counts for the priest and Mrs Lisa
} Jackson who
}  was 84 years old and was past raging the night away). All the
} doors
}  were locked, except at the Gopher house. Barnacle Bill saw the
}  open door to the house, which had been converted from a Diner in
} the
}  1950's, and walked in. To his delight he found five bowls of
} porridge on
}  the table.
}
}  He sat down at Baby Gopher's chair but it was too small and
} broke
}  under his weight.
}  Next he tried Mama Gopher's chair but it was too small and broke
}  under his weight.
}  Next he tried Papa Gopher's chair but it was too small and broke
}  under his weight.
}  Next he tried Grandma Gopher's chair but it was too small and
} broke
}  under his weight.
}  Next he tried Uncle Gopher's chair but it was too small and
} broke
}  under his weight.
}
}  He stood by the table.
}
}  Barnacle Bill tried Baby Gopher's porridge and it was just
} right, but
}  it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
}  Then he tried Mama Gopher's porridge and it was just right, but
}  it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
}  Then he tried Papa Gopher's porridge and it was just right, but
}  it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
}  Then he tried Grandma Gopher's porridge and it was just right,
} but
}  it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
}  Then he tried Uncle Gopher's porridge and it was just right, but
}  it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
}
}  Barnacle Bill was tired, hungry and irritable. He decided he
} should
}  lie down for a while. He went upstairs and found five beds.
}
}  He lay down in Baby Gopher's bed but it was too small and broke
}  under his weight.
}  Next he tried Mama Gopher's bed but it was too small and broke
}  under his weight.
}  Next he tried Papa Gopher's bed but it was too small and broke
}  under his weight.
}  Next he tried Grandma Gopher's bed but it was too small and
} broke
}  under his weight.
}  Next he tried Uncle Gopher's bed but it was too small and broke
}  under his weight.
}
}  Now Barnacle Bill was getting really irritable, and hungrier by
} the second.
}
}  Just at that moment the Gopher family came home. They went into
}  the dining room and Baby Gopher exclaimed
}  "Someone's been sitting in my chair and they broke it!"
}  Mama gopher exclaimed "Someone's been sitting in my chair and
} they broke it!"
}  Papa gopher exclaimed "Someone's been sitting in my chair and
} they broke it!"
}  Grandma gopher exclaimed "Someone's been sitting in my chair and
} they broke it!"
}  Uncle gopher exclaimed "Someone's been sitting in my chair and
} they broke it!"
}
}  Then they looked at the porridge, and Baby Gopher exclaimed
}  "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
}  Mama gopher exclaimed "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
}  Papa gopher exclaimed "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
}  Grandma gopher exclaimed "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
}  Uncle gopher exclaimed "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
}
}  Barnacle Bill, hearing the ruckus, came downstairs to find the
}  five gophers arguing over the mess. He picked them all up,
}  put them in the deep fryer and had them for breakfast, too.
}
}  THE END.
}
}  You owe the oracle a sieve for getting gopher hair out of the
}  deep fryer.
}
}
}  *Source: International Journal of Rodent Sociology, Vol 16 #2,
} Mar 1973
}  pp 123-126
}  ** But wasn't. In fact they were in Australia and the town was
} called
}  Port Augusta.
}

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ACC

[Note: This answer is very regional in nature.  Those not living in the South-East US may not get it.]
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The most amazing thing happened the other day.  My Brother declared
> himself the King of Raleigh.  I am supposed to assist him in drafting a
> proclamation to send to the State Department, the State of North
> Carolina, and the City Of Raleigh.  As a reward for my loyalty, His
> Majesty has named me the Duke of North Hills.  My question is:  Because
> I am heir apparent, I am also a Prince... How should I be addressed?
> Your Royal Highness or Your Grace?  We merkins are so bad with these
> title things.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've been snookered.
}
} The only Dukedom in North Carolina is in Durham, not North Hills. Duke "K" is
} not yet willing to give up his title. In consultation with the current "King"
} of Raleigh, King James Hunt, and his vizier, Sir Jesse of Helms, I find that
} there is in fact also only one prince, Albert, by name, and he was last seen
} in Tobaccoville (north of Winston-Salem) visiting the "loo."
}
} In short, your brother has been slinging the bull about Durham, Raleigh, and
} North Carolina in general.  He should be tarheeled and feathered, cursed by
} the demon Deacon and his blue devils, and chased out of state by a wolfpack.
}
} Oh, and if you wish to be addressed by your proper titles, Supplicant
} formerly known as the prince, just sign your name with a fishhook.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for Dean Smith.
}

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Al-Goreism

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Can you give me an algorithim to find all of the prime
> numbers between 2 and 10,000?  I need the answer by
> tomorrow.  This is not a homework assignment.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GEEZ!!!  When will you mortals learn to spell?  I will forgive you this
} time, but next time be sure to say Al Gore isms rightly.  I almost gave a
} complex way to find algorithims to you...
}  Now pay attention.  This is how you get the numbers from Al Gore
} isms 2-10000 prime.  As we all know, Al Gore is the Vice President of the
} once moral and prosperous nation the United State of America.  And since
} he is probably the one who gets the prime ministers from all the other
} countries to visit him, he is an excellent target.  With simple bribery,
} like any politician, he will lead you to the other Prime Ministers, and
} then you can complete your dirty assassin work by tomorrow.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of teh Prime Minister of MicroSoft.
}

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Clinton's penis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is Kenneth Starr's fascination with Bill Clinton's Penis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this... well, um, er, well... some
} men have a certain, well, *fascination* with the, um, er, private parts of
} other men. It's an, um, well, *private* thing, don't-you-know-as-it-were, um.
}
} So, well, um, you see, that's how it's, um, er, well...
}
} Ask your brother. The one in the tu-tu.
}
} You owe the Oracle an introduction to a half-dozen White House interns.
}
}

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Drinking coffee

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why do I drink so much coffeeka;slkdfja;lgjdjhgv;lml;gekjst 'fljk mv l

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's still hope for your, supplicant. After all, at least you're still
} *drinking* coffee. If you had progressed to the stage of stuffing your mouth
} full of whole coffee beans, the cure would have been much more difficult.
} (And, of course, there's the stage beyond that, when supplicants begin to
} grind the beans and smoke them. Let's not even think about the ones who have
} sunk to the level of "mainlining" Folgers.)
}
} First, you have to get your craving under control. Fortunately, tapering off
} *is* an option for most people. The use of a caffine "patch" or caffine gum
} will help, but you must learn self-control. Get rid of the 2-liter coffee
} mug. That's a *bucket*, man, not a coffee mug! Use a human-sized mug. Better
} yet, get one of those little Turkish coffee cups that holds about a
} tablespoonful of coffee. Turn your desk so that it faces away from the
} office coffee-maker. Stop licking other people's coffee spoons, when they
} leave them on their desks. It scares them, for one thing. And, for pity's
} sake, *stop* "accidentally" spilling coffee on your shirt and then sucking
} on your tie for hours at a time.
}
} More importantly, you have to determine why you crave coffee so much. Could
} it be that, by staying up to watch "Deep Space Nine" re-runs at 1:00 a.m.
} every day, you're so sleepy that you need that "eye opener" every morning?
} Perhaps you should reduce your stress level at work: Futures trading for a
} Singapore-owned bank with branches in Cali, Columbia is enough to get
} anybody "wired" (you see, I know the coffee-heads' "lingo"). Simplify your
} homelife, too. Perhaps you shouldn't have started dating the girlfriend of a
} drug-dealing motorcycle gang member, at least not just before he was
} released on parole. Maybe you should consider breaking it off. Particularly
} since your wife's brother (Tony "The Chainsaw" Scoletto) has been asking
} around town about you.
}
} Finally, you *must* dismantle that shrine to Juan Valdez. Your bishop is
} beginning to wonder about you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10-gram bag of methamphetamine.
}

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Ebola

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose knowledge of current events is so vast, the AP
> get its information from him, please tell me...
>
> In light of the rebel takeover of Zaire, and the subsequent change of
> name of the country, should the World Health Organization rename the
> disease, "Ebola Democratic Republic of Congo" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are actually several suggestions making the rounds in the associated
} committees, in order of appearance:
}
} Ebola A Civil War Rages In This Troubled Country
} Ebola The Country Formerly Known As Zaire
} Ebola Why Don't We Just Wait For The Situation To Calm Down
} Ebola Because We Wouldnt Want To Use A Politically Inaccurate Name
} Ebola Kongo
} Ebola No, I Mean the Latest Kongo (Yes It Has Been Known As Kongo Before
} But It Was Not For A While)
} Ebola Dictatorship Of Kabila
} Ebola The Democratic (That Is What They Say) Republic Of Kongo
}
} I hope this has cleared up the issue for you.
}

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King of Raleigh

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The most amazing thing happened the other day.  My Brother declared
> himself the King of Raleigh.  I am supposed to assist him in drafting a
> proclamation to send to the State Department.  As a reward for my
> loyalty, His Majesty has named me the Duke of North Hills.  My question
> is:  Because, I am heir apparent, I am also a Prince... How should I be
> addressed?  Your Royal Highness or Your Grace?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I can see you now. You walk up to an attractive young lady in the
} biker bar and say, "Hey, could I buy you a drink? I'm a prince, you know."
} Her eyes widen in silent admiration....
}
} But that's not to be. Even as you read this, your brother is about to be
} deposed from his throne by agents of the FBI. But the bittersweet news for
} you is that the feds' attempt will fail, they will merely assassinate the
} king, and you will in fact ascend the throne before anyone even has a
} chance to wonder what your official title as a prince was.
}
} For that matter, they won't even remember your name, in all the confusion,
} and at your coronation you will be named The King Formerly Known as a
} Prince.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photo of yourself in your new purple wardrobe. And
} you should probably think of making up a weird looking symbol for
} yourself. But, for your own sake, stay out of the biker bars.
}

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Latin America

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose greatness doth overwhelm such lowly miscreants
> such as myself, please tell me...
>
> I recently invested in a Latin American country.  I just learned they
> don't speak Latin there, just Spanish and Portuguese.  Why do they call
> it Latin America?  Should I demand my money back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle responds:
}
} Make sure you still have your receipt.  Keep in mind that you will not
} be able to recover your non-refundable security deposit.  Now you must
} keep your mind on matters pertinent to your investment:
}
} 1.  Is this a new or used country?  Is it still under warranty?
} 2.  How much high-school Latin do I remember?
}
} Don't feel too bad.  Many other people have been duped by countries
} claiming to speak the "Romance languages," only to find out that they
} are merely Italian, French, or Spanish.  The Oracle recommends that you
} take up Esperanto and start over.

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Leaks

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> My Netscape keeps returning the message, "TCP Error: Broken Pipe"  I looked
> under my desk, and I didn't see any broken pipes.  Where are they, and if
> pipes are broken, shouldn't there be more water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly supplicant, the pipes are not under your desk. They are on the
} mother board. If you can do so without getting in trouble take off the
} cover to the computer...
}
} I'll wait...hmm, hmm.
}
} Okay, see those "lines" all over the mother board?  Those are the
} pipes. One of them is broken. There's a couple of ways to find out
} where the leaky pipe is:
}
} * On a UNIX box that you can take apart, like a home machine:
}
}    type sync over and over and over (sink get it?, pipe - sink?  that's
}    a UNIX geek joke-spelling, like the way GNU stands for "GNU's Not
}    UNIX", they're an odd lot, UNIX geeks, but you gotta love them... or
}    else your account will die in a weird and painful manner... but I
}    digress) watch the motherboard, little "1"s and "0"s are dripping
}    out somewhere. When you find the spot put a big `ol wad of gum over
}    the leak. That's it!  You're ready to go.
}
}
} * On a UNIX box you can not take apart, like at work:
}
}    Redirect the stray leaking bits into the bit-bucket.  that's what
}    it's there for, type this:
}
} $ while (:)
}   do
}   echo drip drip drip > /dev/null
}   done
}
}
}   Your sysadmin will no doubt contact you to thank you for your help.
}
}
} * On an MS-DOGS/Windoze machine:
}
}   As you may have guessed it is different with an MS machine.  The
}   pipes there move in AIR, yes! The "pipes" are more like "ducts".
}   So what you need to do is place the entire machine in a tub of
}   water, turn it on and watch for bubbles. THEN stick a wad of gum
}   over the hole in the pipe where the bubbles are coming out.
}
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of perls.

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Mob Training

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> My employers told me that I have to have training bi-annually.  I asked them
> if that was bi-annually - every two years, or bi-annually - twice a year.
> No one knew.  I realized that I have the e-mail address of an omniscient
> being, so I am asking you...
>
> Oh wise Oracle knower of all things to be known, please tell me...
>
> Should I go to "Hitting People On The Head" and "Breaking Kneecaps" training
> twice a year or once every two years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, if you had stopped your question before the last
} paragraph I would have been obliged to tell you that, unfortunately, you
} will have to go to training twice a year... every two years would be
} biennially.
}
} However, since you have seen fit to provide me with the nature of your
} training, let me give you some advice.
}
} Human medical science has been advancing at quite a rapid rate for the past
} several decates.  Your species is learning more and more about how the body
} operates, and by extension how to put it out of commission.
}
} One area where human knowledge has lagged behind, however, is in
} understanding the brain, that wonderfully and impossibly complex piece of
} biomachinery.  To me, of course, the human brain is as simple as a Rubik's
} cube, but to humans the brain seems to be endlessly complicated and
} intricate.
}
} Medical science continues to make strides, gradually but continually,
} towards understanding the brain.  On the other hand, human medical science
} knows pretty much all there is to know about the knee.
}
} Therefore, I would suggest that you attend "Hitting People on the Head"
} training biannually, to keep up with the latest information and findings.
} "Breaking Kneecaps", however, has gone about as far as it can go, so
} biennial training, just to make sure you haven't lost anything you used to
} know, would be more in order.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a fitting for some cement shoes, so I can experience
} what it's like to stomp a w..dch..k while wearing a pair of those!
}

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Poor DMP

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Eat poop!  You Suck!
>
> Ha ha ha...  funny stuff.
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}
}
} >The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} >> Eat poop!  You Suck!
} >>
} >> Ha ha ha...  funny stuff.
} >>
}
}    Oracle: It cannot be.
}
} Zadoc: What is it, Master?
}
} Oracle: But it's true...  It seems as if my days as Oracle are over.
}
} Zadoc: What! That is impossible, oh one who is longer-lasting than any song
} by that damn "U2" group old people seem to like...
}
} Oracle: No, it's true! There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING in my storehouse
} of infinite knowledge that could come close to matching the absolute
} hilarity stored in those simple four words.  I am not worthy of being called
} Oracle. YOU must now take on the sweet burden...
}
} Zadoc: Oh, goody!  Err... Does this mean I get Linda as well?
}
} NO! No, no, no! This is all wrong! Somehow... there must be some way I can
} justify my existence! I will not go down without a fight! Must... think..
} of... funnier... joke...
}
} B... B-Bill Gates....
}
}
}
} Bill Gates is....
}
}
}
}
} BILL GATES IS A WANKER!
}
} I'm back! Your foolish attempt to overthrow me has failed! Prepare for the
} zotting  of your life!
}
} Zadoc: No, wait, Master! I think I know who this guy is! There was this guy
} on Usenet today, named DMP, who was complaining about such stupid humour....
}
} Oracle: Is that so? So this DMP fellow is using the Oracle as a way of
} venting anger, rather than paying me the proper homage I deserve... Well,
} his punishment shall be swift and merciless... Know fear, DMP.
}
} Zadoc: But... Master, he can't hear you... can he?
}
} Oracle: Oh, I have a hunch he'll get the message...
}
} You owe the Oracle some Virtual Flowers.
}

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Prime Numbers

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is your favorite cut of USDA Grade A prime number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My favorite?  So many from which to choose... Since I'm on the spot, I'll
} say the series of 40 prime numbers beginning with 41 and continuing with
} the 2nd number after that (43,) the 4th number after that prime (47,) the
} 6th number (53,) the 8th (61,) etc., all the way to the 40th in the series,
} 1601.  (The 41st in the series would be 1681, which is evenly divisible, as
} it is the square of 41.)  Probably a mundane choice, but I'm a simple
} Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a manager who shares an appreciation for this
} mathematical phenomenon.
}

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The ode

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}
}  ODE TO THE QUESTION NOT POSED
}
}  by T. I. Oracle.
}
}
} What was the question? Where did it go?
} Oh, the humanity! How will I know?
}
} How did I ever get into this mess?
} Should I ignore it, or just take a guess?
}
} Hey, wait a minute, I am an omniscient.
} For this calamity, my skills are sufficient
}
} to safely recover the question in question:
} "Help me, I suffer from harsh indigestion."
}
} Ooh, that's a tough one. What should I say?
} Blackmail a priest? Be patient and pray?
}
} Well, humble supplicant, you may be in luck.
} This poem is excellent, it doesn't suck.
}
} If we really luck out, and the priest has good taste,
} your digestion is likely to happen, post haste.
}
} If that happen or not, you still owe the Oracle:
} A promise to not take all this too allegorical.
}

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The Oven Union

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose toenails I'm not fit to buff.
> Please answer me this perlexing question...
>
> What would happen if I were to clean my self -cleaning oven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Seeing as your oven is supposed to be self-cleaning, and probably has
}      a prominently-displayed note saying "Self-Cleaning Oven," if you clean
}      it yourself you will be violating the regulations of the Ovens and
}      Toasters Union of America.  Your oven will almost certainly seek
}      compensation, for you will have done a job which its union protect its
}      exclusive right to do.  Let's face it, one day you clean the oven, the
}      next day you might be baking things yourself, WITHOUT the oven.  Or
}      even worse, hiring scab ovens to do the same work for lower wages.
}      The Ovens and Toasters Union is a very proactive union, though.  Don't
}      be surprised if even one minor infringement of your oven's union
}      regulations results in a whole line of ovens and toasters, and perhaps
}      even appliances from affiliated unions, picketing your residence.  You
}      won't be able to eat at unionized restaurants without getting your
}      food burned or underdone.  You won't feel safe walking through the
}      appliance section at Sears.  It's also likely your other kitchen
}      appliances will get nervous.  What's to stop you from desfrosting your
}      self-defrosting freezer or perhaps using your salad spinner to dry
}      your laundry?  Oh no, supplicant, you should definitely think twice
}      before embarking on this dangerous course of action.
}
}      You owe the Oracle the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa's blender.
}

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The Royal Colony

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> He's at it again.  My brother, the "King of Raleigh" has now declared
> Greensboro a Royal Colony.  What will the State Department do about this
> massive annexation?  Worse yet, will they charge my sister, the Royal
> Governor, with treason?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your brother has neglected to consider some important points. Firstly,
} Greensboro is completely landlocked by the United States. Imports and
} exports will depend entirely on the cooperation of the State Department.
} (This will have the beneficial side effect of saving money on a Navy.)
} US television will be jammed, so the residents will have to rely on
} bootlegged imports for their regular fix of ER and Seinfeld. The Carolina
} Panthers will be moved to Cleveland. Instead, cricket will be the national
} sport. Most of the Triangle will have to be turned into tea plantations in
} order to pay tax to the Queen. You will need a visa just to visit Aunt
} Bessie in Atlanta. Don't expect to win many medals at the Olympics. And
} as for qualifying for the World Cup..well, actually when your opponents
} are Canada and Jamaica, I guess you'll still have a shot at the World Cup.
}
} Your sister probably has no reason to fear a charge of treason. Dig for
} oil. The United States will gladly uphold the sovereign status of all
} oppressed nations...as long as they have oil. Just don't agree to let the
} Russians store some missiles there for a while.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clue as to how to construct a witty response to this
} question.

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Tie Dyes

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose polyester shines like no other, please tell me...
>
> If Nehru Jackets were named after Prime Minister Jawaharial Nehru, then who
> were tie-dye shirts and bell-bottom jeans named after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tie-dye is actually a corruption of "Ty Die," the unintentionally
} sardonic commentary issued by four-year old Bobby Smith when Tyler
} "Ty" Peterson was killed in a freak accident involving a poorly-sealed
} pressure cooker.  Due to a minor mishap at the police department, his
} shirt (covered with a pattern not unlike that of modern tie-dye,
} although obviously created via entirely different means) was
} accidentally included with a batch of clothing stolen from a local
} hippie commune.  Next thing you know, they're all wearing them.
}
} As for the bell-bottoms, they're named after the derriere of a certain
} young lady who has traded certain, *ahem*, favors in exchange for
} anonymity.  She was young, foolish, and now quite embarassed over the
} whole thing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a society based on free love.

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Viscosity

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise, before whom I am bit a bit of soap scum encrusted on a
> dirty spoon, please tell me...
>
> How might I avoid attacks by viscous man-eating lemurs in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                  The Internet Oracle Proudly Presents:
}
}       The Internet Oracle's 5-Step Plan to Avoid Attacks By Viscous
}                     Man-Eating Lemurs In the Future
}
} Step 1: Build time machine (bonus points for using only rubber bands
}         and library paste)
}
} Step 2: Use time machine to trace evolution of lemurs to the original
}         lemur in 40,000,000 B.C.
}
} Step 3: Alter viscosity of original lemur with HCl
}
} Step 4: Travel to future
}
} Step 5: Enjoy being attacked by non-viscous man-eating lemurs
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a viscous lemur and a dictionary.

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War with Durham

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great One, whose vast knowledge outshines even the library at
> Alexandria, please tell me...
>
> Earlier, I told you about my brother, who declared himself King of
> Raleigh.  Well, it seems that he is trying to stir up things.  Last
> night he declared war on Durham, and he wants me to conscript an army.
> My problem is, how can I raise an army for a king no one has ever heard
> of, and convince them to invade a town where most of them work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} I'm glad you came to me since you are obviously confused and in need of some
} serious advise.  First off, you need to set your brother straight, since
} Raleigh can be no more than a pricipality.  It certainly does not rank large
} enough, wealthy enough, or mean enough to be a kingdom.  Some examples of
} kingdoms follow.
}
} Let's say that the king of Washington were to wage war on you.  After an
} opening barrage of mercilous accountants inspected and feasted  upon your
} carcass and its various orifices, the king could then send in his FBI.  But
} let's suppose an invasion by the kingdom of New York.  WIth all of the wealthy
} dukes and earls, its *poof* you're gone, bought up in the blink of an eye.
} End of story.  And god help ye if the Kingdom of Microsoft should seek to
} invade your hamlet.  Untold atrocities would be brought upon you and everyone
} in their path.
}
} So you see, your problem is not raising an army and convincing them to wage
} war on a neighboring city that they work in, but rather convincing your
} brother the "king" <smirks> not to get his royal panties in a bunch while
} trying to wage a war.  For who knows, his hamlet may one day be targeted as
} well....
}
} You owe the Oracle a bound copy of the bedtime story The Three Hedgehogs

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