The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise, whose knowledge of high energy physics blows
a certain
> S. Hawking out of the water, please tell me...
>
> What's all this I hear about 10 dimensional strings, and are they
available
> in three inch lengths?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, supplicant, it is true that the universe is held together with
} 10-dimensional strings. And duct tape. Lots of duct tape.
But even the
} astute Dr. Hawking cannot tell you what all of these dimensions are,
so
} prepare to be enlightened:
}
} 1) Right and left.
}
} 2) Up and down.
}
} 3) In and out. Trust me, this dimension *does* exist, even
though you
} can't make your mouse move that way.
}
} 4) Time. I understand that this dimension can now be yours
for only
} $49.95 for a 6-month trial subscription.
}
} 5) A time-related dimension that causes time-dilation phenomena.
It is
} this dimension that is responsible for time running faster when you
are
} late for a meeting and then running slower when you are actually
in the
} meeting. This dimension is also responsible for the fact that
your line
} at the grocery store always moves the slowest, except for that time
you
} got behind the gorgeous blonde and they immediately opened another
} checkstand and moved you to it.
}
} 6) The dimension of lost stuff. This is where the extra socks
from the
} dryer go, along with your luggage if you fly through Chicago.
}
} 7) The ethics dimension. If you could make contact with this
dimension,
} you would find the part of Bill Gates that is not greedy and the
} trustworthy part of Bill Clinton.
}
} 8) The spam dimension. Trust me, you just want to avoid this
one.
}
} 9) Sorry, the function of this dimension is classified. You
must be at
} least a class-2 omniscient being to access this information.
}
} 10) The buggy dimension. I could have told old Yahweh not to
use a
} single-digit field for dimensions (or at least to do it in hex to
give
} himself more room, though when I mentioned that to him he muttered
} something about making it too hard on the glove industry, but I digress
} ...). The overflows from this dimension are responsible for
most of what
} goes wrong in the rest of the universe. That bit about the
couple with
} the apple is just a cover, metaphorically suggesting that if you
only
} have one byte, all hell will break loose.
}
} So that is what the 10 dimensions do. As for getting a 3-inch
length,
} I'm afraid that wouldn't do you much good. They tried to use
a string
} that short to hold together Yugoslavia, and you see how well that
worked.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of the Silly String they used for Australia.
> Uncle Orrie, tell me about Barnacle Bill and the five gophers.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} BARNACLE BILL AND THE FIVE GOPHERS
}
} Once upon a time there were five gophers - Mama and Papa
} gopher, Baby gopher, Grandma gopher and Uncle gopher (who
} had lived with the family since the devastating gopher
} calicivirus had wiped out most of his family on the West coast).
} Gophers like to live as an extended family* so they all got
} along
} famously. They lived in a bustling sea port which may
have
} been Annapolis**.
}
} One morning the gopher family sat down for breakfast - porridge
} it was, but it was too hot, and the whole family went out for
a
} walk
} along the shorefront, and to count up how many containers were
} lying idle in the fourth year of the wharf dispute. Captain
} Bill,
} Barnacle Bill as he was known, had sailed into the port that
} morning and was looking forward to a good hot breakfast. It
was
} a Sunday morning, however, and everyone (except the Gopher
} family) was still asleep after a wild Saturday night, or had
} gone to
} Church (well, that only counts for the priest and Mrs Lisa
} Jackson who
} was 84 years old and was past raging the night away). All the
} doors
} were locked, except at the Gopher house. Barnacle Bill saw
the
} open door to the house, which had been converted from a Diner
in
} the
} 1950's, and walked in. To his delight he found five bowls of
} porridge on
} the table.
}
} He sat down at Baby Gopher's chair but it was too small and
} broke
} under his weight.
} Next he tried Mama Gopher's chair but it was too small and
broke
} under his weight.
} Next he tried Papa Gopher's chair but it was too small and
broke
} under his weight.
} Next he tried Grandma Gopher's chair but it was too small and
} broke
} under his weight.
} Next he tried Uncle Gopher's chair but it was too small and
} broke
} under his weight.
}
} He stood by the table.
}
} Barnacle Bill tried Baby Gopher's porridge and it was just
} right, but
} it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
} Then he tried Mama Gopher's porridge and it was just right,
but
} it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
} Then he tried Papa Gopher's porridge and it was just right,
but
} it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
} Then he tried Grandma Gopher's porridge and it was just right,
} but
} it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
} Then he tried Uncle Gopher's porridge and it was just right,
but
} it was only a tiny bowl and he was still hungry.
}
} Barnacle Bill was tired, hungry and irritable. He decided he
} should
} lie down for a while. He went upstairs and found five beds.
}
} He lay down in Baby Gopher's bed but it was too small and broke
} under his weight.
} Next he tried Mama Gopher's bed but it was too small and broke
} under his weight.
} Next he tried Papa Gopher's bed but it was too small and broke
} under his weight.
} Next he tried Grandma Gopher's bed but it was too small and
} broke
} under his weight.
} Next he tried Uncle Gopher's bed but it was too small and broke
} under his weight.
}
} Now Barnacle Bill was getting really irritable, and hungrier
by
} the second.
}
} Just at that moment the Gopher family came home. They went
into
} the dining room and Baby Gopher exclaimed
} "Someone's been sitting in my chair and they broke it!"
} Mama gopher exclaimed "Someone's been sitting in my chair and
} they broke it!"
} Papa gopher exclaimed "Someone's been sitting in my chair and
} they broke it!"
} Grandma gopher exclaimed "Someone's been sitting in my chair
and
} they broke it!"
} Uncle gopher exclaimed "Someone's been sitting in my chair
and
} they broke it!"
}
} Then they looked at the porridge, and Baby Gopher exclaimed
} "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
} Mama gopher exclaimed "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
} Papa gopher exclaimed "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
} Grandma gopher exclaimed "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
} Uncle gopher exclaimed "Someone's eaten all my porridge"
}
} Barnacle Bill, hearing the ruckus, came downstairs to find
the
} five gophers arguing over the mess. He picked them all up,
} put them in the deep fryer and had them for breakfast, too.
}
} THE END.
}
} You owe the oracle a sieve for getting gopher hair out of the
} deep fryer.
}
}
} *Source: International Journal of Rodent Sociology, Vol 16
#2,
} Mar 1973
} pp 123-126
} ** But wasn't. In fact they were in Australia and the town
was
} called
} Port Augusta.
}
> The most amazing thing happened the other day. My Brother declared
> himself the King of Raleigh. I am supposed to assist him in
drafting a
> proclamation to send to the State Department, the State of North
> Carolina, and the City Of Raleigh. As a reward for my loyalty,
His
> Majesty has named me the Duke of North Hills. My question is:
Because
> I am heir apparent, I am also a Prince... How should I be addressed?
> Your Royal Highness or Your Grace? We merkins are so bad with
these
> title things.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You've been snookered.
}
} The only Dukedom in North Carolina is in Durham, not North Hills.
Duke "K" is
} not yet willing to give up his title. In consultation with the current
"King"
} of Raleigh, King James Hunt, and his vizier, Sir Jesse of Helms,
I find that
} there is in fact also only one prince, Albert, by name, and he was
last seen
} in Tobaccoville (north of Winston-Salem) visiting the "loo."
}
} In short, your brother has been slinging the bull about Durham, Raleigh,
and
} North Carolina in general. He should be tarheeled and feathered,
cursed by
} the demon Deacon and his blue devils, and chased out of state by
a wolfpack.
}
} Oh, and if you wish to be addressed by your proper titles, Supplicant
} formerly known as the prince, just sign your name with a fishhook.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for Dean Smith.
}
> Can you give me an algorithim to find all of the prime
> numbers between 2 and 10,000? I need the answer by
> tomorrow. This is not a homework assignment.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} GEEZ!!! When will you mortals learn to spell? I will forgive
you this
} time, but next time be sure to say Al Gore isms rightly. I
almost gave a
} complex way to find algorithims to you...
} Now pay attention. This is how you get the numbers from
Al Gore
} isms 2-10000 prime. As we all know, Al Gore is the Vice President
of the
} once moral and prosperous nation the United State of America.
And since
} he is probably the one who gets the prime ministers from all the
other
} countries to visit him, he is an excellent target. With simple
bribery,
} like any politician, he will lead you to the other Prime Ministers,
and
} then you can complete your dirty assassin work by tomorrow.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of teh Prime Minister of MicroSoft.
}
> What is Kenneth Starr's fascination with Bill Clinton's Penis?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this... well, um, er, well...
some
} men have a certain, well, *fascination* with the, um, er, private
parts of
} other men. It's an, um, well, *private* thing, don't-you-know-as-it-were,
um.
}
} So, well, um, you see, that's how it's, um, er, well...
}
} Ask your brother. The one in the tu-tu.
}
} You owe the Oracle an introduction to a half-dozen White House interns.
}
}
> Why do I drink so much coffeeka;slkdfja;lgjdjhgv;lml;gekjst 'fljk mv l
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There's still hope for your, supplicant. After all, at least you're
still
} *drinking* coffee. If you had progressed to the stage of stuffing
your mouth
} full of whole coffee beans, the cure would have been much more difficult.
} (And, of course, there's the stage beyond that, when supplicants
begin to
} grind the beans and smoke them. Let's not even think about the ones
who have
} sunk to the level of "mainlining" Folgers.)
}
} First, you have to get your craving under control. Fortunately, tapering
off
} *is* an option for most people. The use of a caffine "patch" or caffine
gum
} will help, but you must learn self-control. Get rid of the 2-liter
coffee
} mug. That's a *bucket*, man, not a coffee mug! Use a human-sized
mug. Better
} yet, get one of those little Turkish coffee cups that holds about
a
} tablespoonful of coffee. Turn your desk so that it faces away from
the
} office coffee-maker. Stop licking other people's coffee spoons, when
they
} leave them on their desks. It scares them, for one thing. And, for
pity's
} sake, *stop* "accidentally" spilling coffee on your shirt and then
sucking
} on your tie for hours at a time.
}
} More importantly, you have to determine why you crave coffee so much.
Could
} it be that, by staying up to watch "Deep Space Nine" re-runs at 1:00
a.m.
} every day, you're so sleepy that you need that "eye opener" every
morning?
} Perhaps you should reduce your stress level at work: Futures trading
for a
} Singapore-owned bank with branches in Cali, Columbia is enough to
get
} anybody "wired" (you see, I know the coffee-heads' "lingo"). Simplify
your
} homelife, too. Perhaps you shouldn't have started dating the girlfriend
of a
} drug-dealing motorcycle gang member, at least not just before he
was
} released on parole. Maybe you should consider breaking it off. Particularly
} since your wife's brother (Tony "The Chainsaw" Scoletto) has been
asking
} around town about you.
}
} Finally, you *must* dismantle that shrine to Juan Valdez. Your bishop
is
} beginning to wonder about you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10-gram bag of methamphetamine.
}
> Oh great Oracle, whose knowledge of current events is so vast, the
AP
> get its information from him, please tell me...
>
> In light of the rebel takeover of Zaire, and the subsequent change
of
> name of the country, should the World Health Organization rename
the
> disease, "Ebola Democratic Republic of Congo" ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There are actually several suggestions making the rounds in the associated
} committees, in order of appearance:
}
} Ebola A Civil War Rages In This Troubled Country
} Ebola The Country Formerly Known As Zaire
} Ebola Why Don't We Just Wait For The Situation To Calm Down
} Ebola Because We Wouldnt Want To Use A Politically Inaccurate Name
} Ebola Kongo
} Ebola No, I Mean the Latest Kongo (Yes It Has Been Known As Kongo
Before
} But It Was Not For A While)
} Ebola Dictatorship Of Kabila
} Ebola The Democratic (That Is What They Say) Republic Of Kongo
}
} I hope this has cleared up the issue for you.
}
> The most amazing thing happened the other day. My Brother declared
> himself the King of Raleigh. I am supposed to assist him in
drafting a
> proclamation to send to the State Department. As a reward for
my
> loyalty, His Majesty has named me the Duke of North Hills.
My question
> is: Because, I am heir apparent, I am also a Prince... How
should I be
> addressed? Your Royal Highness or Your Grace?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah, I can see you now. You walk up to an attractive young lady in
the
} biker bar and say, "Hey, could I buy you a drink? I'm a prince, you
know."
} Her eyes widen in silent admiration....
}
} But that's not to be. Even as you read this, your brother is about
to be
} deposed from his throne by agents of the FBI. But the bittersweet
news for
} you is that the feds' attempt will fail, they will merely assassinate
the
} king, and you will in fact ascend the throne before anyone even has
a
} chance to wonder what your official title as a prince was.
}
} For that matter, they won't even remember your name, in all the confusion,
} and at your coronation you will be named The King Formerly Known
as a
} Prince.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photo of yourself in your new purple wardrobe.
And
} you should probably think of making up a weird looking symbol for
} yourself. But, for your own sake, stay out of the biker bars.
}
> Oh mighty Oracle, whose greatness doth overwhelm such lowly miscreants
> such as myself, please tell me...
>
> I recently invested in a Latin American country. I just learned
they
> don't speak Latin there, just Spanish and Portuguese. Why do
they call
> it Latin America? Should I demand my money back?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle responds:
}
} Make sure you still have your receipt. Keep in mind that you
will not
} be able to recover your non-refundable security deposit. Now
you must
} keep your mind on matters pertinent to your investment:
}
} 1. Is this a new or used country? Is it still under warranty?
} 2. How much high-school Latin do I remember?
}
} Don't feel too bad. Many other people have been duped by countries
} claiming to speak the "Romance languages," only to find out that
they
} are merely Italian, French, or Spanish. The Oracle recommends
that you
} take up Esperanto and start over.
> My Netscape keeps returning the message, "TCP Error: Broken Pipe"
I looked
> under my desk, and I didn't see any broken pipes. Where are
they, and if
> pipes are broken, shouldn't there be more water?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Silly supplicant, the pipes are not under your desk. They are on the
} mother board. If you can do so without getting in trouble take off
the
} cover to the computer...
}
} I'll wait...hmm, hmm.
}
} Okay, see those "lines" all over the mother board? Those are
the
} pipes. One of them is broken. There's a couple of ways to find out
} where the leaky pipe is:
}
} * On a UNIX box that you can take apart, like a home machine:
}
} type sync over and over and over (sink get it?,
pipe - sink? that's
} a UNIX geek joke-spelling, like the way GNU stands
for "GNU's Not
} UNIX", they're an odd lot, UNIX geeks, but you
gotta love them... or
} else your account will die in a weird and painful
manner... but I
} digress) watch the motherboard, little "1"s and
"0"s are dripping
} out somewhere. When you find the spot put a big
`ol wad of gum over
} the leak. That's it! You're ready to go.
}
}
} * On a UNIX box you can not take apart, like at work:
}
} Redirect the stray leaking bits into the bit-bucket.
that's what
} it's there for, type this:
}
} $ while (:)
} do
} echo drip drip drip > /dev/null
} done
}
}
} Your sysadmin will no doubt contact you to thank you
for your help.
}
}
} * On an MS-DOGS/Windoze machine:
}
} As you may have guessed it is different with an MS machine.
The
} pipes there move in AIR, yes! The "pipes" are more like
"ducts".
} So what you need to do is place the entire machine in
a tub of
} water, turn it on and watch for bubbles. THEN stick a
wad of gum
} over the hole in the pipe where the bubbles are coming
out.
}
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of perls.
> My employers told me that I have to have training bi-annually.
I asked them
> if that was bi-annually - every two years, or bi-annually - twice
a year.
> No one knew. I realized that I have the e-mail address of an
omniscient
> being, so I am asking you...
>
> Oh wise Oracle knower of all things to be known, please tell me...
>
> Should I go to "Hitting People On The Head" and "Breaking Kneecaps"
training
> twice a year or once every two years?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, supplicant, if you had stopped your question before the last
} paragraph I would have been obliged to tell you that, unfortunately,
you
} will have to go to training twice a year... every two years would
be
} biennially.
}
} However, since you have seen fit to provide me with the nature of
your
} training, let me give you some advice.
}
} Human medical science has been advancing at quite a rapid rate for
the past
} several decates. Your species is learning more and more about
how the body
} operates, and by extension how to put it out of commission.
}
} One area where human knowledge has lagged behind, however, is in
} understanding the brain, that wonderfully and impossibly complex
piece of
} biomachinery. To me, of course, the human brain is as simple
as a Rubik's
} cube, but to humans the brain seems to be endlessly complicated and
} intricate.
}
} Medical science continues to make strides, gradually but continually,
} towards understanding the brain. On the other hand, human medical
science
} knows pretty much all there is to know about the knee.
}
} Therefore, I would suggest that you attend "Hitting People on the
Head"
} training biannually, to keep up with the latest information and findings.
} "Breaking Kneecaps", however, has gone about as far as it can go,
so
} biennial training, just to make sure you haven't lost anything you
used to
} know, would be more in order.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a fitting for some cement shoes, so I can experience
} what it's like to stomp a w..dch..k while wearing a pair of those!
}
> Eat poop! You Suck!
>
> Ha ha ha... funny stuff.
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}
} >The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} >> Eat poop! You Suck!
} >>
} >> Ha ha ha... funny stuff.
} >>
}
} Oracle: It cannot be.
}
} Zadoc: What is it, Master?
}
} Oracle: But it's true... It seems as if my days as Oracle are
over.
}
} Zadoc: What! That is impossible, oh one who is longer-lasting than
any song
} by that damn "U2" group old people seem to like...
}
} Oracle: No, it's true! There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING in my
storehouse
} of infinite knowledge that could come close to matching the absolute
} hilarity stored in those simple four words. I am not worthy
of being called
} Oracle. YOU must now take on the sweet burden...
}
} Zadoc: Oh, goody! Err... Does this mean I get Linda as well?
}
} NO! No, no, no! This is all wrong! Somehow... there must be some
way I can
} justify my existence! I will not go down without a fight! Must...
think..
} of... funnier... joke...
}
} B... B-Bill Gates....
}
}
}
} Bill Gates is....
}
}
}
}
} BILL GATES IS A WANKER!
}
} I'm back! Your foolish attempt to overthrow me has failed! Prepare
for the
} zotting of your life!
}
} Zadoc: No, wait, Master! I think I know who this guy is! There was
this guy
} on Usenet today, named DMP, who was complaining about such stupid
humour....
}
} Oracle: Is that so? So this DMP fellow is using the Oracle as a way
of
} venting anger, rather than paying me the proper homage I deserve...
Well,
} his punishment shall be swift and merciless... Know fear, DMP.
}
} Zadoc: But... Master, he can't hear you... can he?
}
} Oracle: Oh, I have a hunch he'll get the message...
}
} You owe the Oracle some Virtual Flowers.
}
> What is your favorite cut of USDA Grade A prime number?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} My favorite? So many from which to choose... Since I'm on the
spot, I'll
} say the series of 40 prime numbers beginning with 41 and continuing
with
} the 2nd number after that (43,) the 4th number after that prime (47,)
the
} 6th number (53,) the 8th (61,) etc., all the way to the 40th in the
series,
} 1601. (The 41st in the series would be 1681, which is evenly
divisible, as
} it is the square of 41.) Probably a mundane choice, but I'm
a simple
} Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a manager who shares an appreciation for this
} mathematical phenomenon.
}
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} ODE TO THE QUESTION NOT POSED
}
} by T. I. Oracle.
}
}
} What was the question? Where did it go?
} Oh, the humanity! How will I know?
}
} How did I ever get into this mess?
} Should I ignore it, or just take a guess?
}
} Hey, wait a minute, I am an omniscient.
} For this calamity, my skills are sufficient
}
} to safely recover the question in question:
} "Help me, I suffer from harsh indigestion."
}
} Ooh, that's a tough one. What should I say?
} Blackmail a priest? Be patient and pray?
}
} Well, humble supplicant, you may be in luck.
} This poem is excellent, it doesn't suck.
}
} If we really luck out, and the priest has good taste,
} your digestion is likely to happen, post haste.
}
} If that happen or not, you still owe the Oracle:
} A promise to not take all this too allegorical.
}
> Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose toenails I'm not fit to buff.
> Please answer me this perlexing question...
>
> What would happen if I were to clean my self -cleaning oven?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Seeing as your oven is supposed to be
self-cleaning, and probably has
} a prominently-displayed note saying
"Self-Cleaning Oven," if you clean
} it yourself you will be violating the
regulations of the Ovens and
} Toasters Union of America. Your
oven will almost certainly seek
} compensation, for you will have done
a job which its union protect its
} exclusive right to do. Let's
face it, one day you clean the oven, the
} next day you might be baking things
yourself, WITHOUT the oven. Or
} even worse, hiring scab ovens to do
the same work for lower wages.
} The Ovens and Toasters Union is a very
proactive union, though. Don't
} be surprised if even one minor infringement
of your oven's union
} regulations results in a whole line
of ovens and toasters, and perhaps
} even appliances from affiliated unions,
picketing your residence. You
} won't be able to eat at unionized restaurants
without getting your
} food burned or underdone. You
won't feel safe walking through the
} appliance section at Sears. It's
also likely your other kitchen
} appliances will get nervous.
What's to stop you from desfrosting your
} self-defrosting freezer or perhaps
using your salad spinner to dry
} your laundry? Oh no, supplicant,
you should definitely think twice
} before embarking on this dangerous
course of action.
}
} You owe the Oracle the whereabouts
of Jimmy Hoffa's blender.
}
> He's at it again. My brother, the "King of Raleigh" has now
declared
> Greensboro a Royal Colony. What will the State Department do
about this
> massive annexation? Worse yet, will they charge my sister,
the Royal
> Governor, with treason?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Your brother has neglected to consider some important points. Firstly,
} Greensboro is completely landlocked by the United States. Imports
and
} exports will depend entirely on the cooperation of the State Department.
} (This will have the beneficial side effect of saving money on a Navy.)
} US television will be jammed, so the residents will have to rely
on
} bootlegged imports for their regular fix of ER and Seinfeld. The
Carolina
} Panthers will be moved to Cleveland. Instead, cricket will be the
national
} sport. Most of the Triangle will have to be turned into tea plantations
in
} order to pay tax to the Queen. You will need a visa just to visit
Aunt
} Bessie in Atlanta. Don't expect to win many medals at the Olympics.
And
} as for qualifying for the World Cup..well, actually when your opponents
} are Canada and Jamaica, I guess you'll still have a shot at the World
Cup.
}
} Your sister probably has no reason to fear a charge of treason. Dig
for
} oil. The United States will gladly uphold the sovereign status of
all
} oppressed nations...as long as they have oil. Just don't agree to
let the
} Russians store some missiles there for a while.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clue as to how to construct a witty response
to this
} question.
> Oh mighty Oracle, whose polyester shines like no other, please tell
me...
>
> If Nehru Jackets were named after Prime Minister Jawaharial Nehru,
then who
> were tie-dye shirts and bell-bottom jeans named after?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Tie-dye is actually a corruption of "Ty Die," the unintentionally
} sardonic commentary issued by four-year old Bobby Smith when Tyler
} "Ty" Peterson was killed in a freak accident involving a poorly-sealed
} pressure cooker. Due to a minor mishap at the police department,
his
} shirt (covered with a pattern not unlike that of modern tie-dye,
} although obviously created via entirely different means) was
} accidentally included with a batch of clothing stolen from a local
} hippie commune. Next thing you know, they're all wearing them.
}
} As for the bell-bottoms, they're named after the derriere of a certain
} young lady who has traded certain, *ahem*, favors in exchange for
} anonymity. She was young, foolish, and now quite embarassed
over the
} whole thing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a society based on free love.
> Oh Oracle, most wise, before whom I am bit a bit of soap scum encrusted
on a
> dirty spoon, please tell me...
>
> How might I avoid attacks by viscous man-eating lemurs in the future?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
The Internet Oracle Proudly Presents:
}
} The Internet Oracle's 5-Step
Plan to Avoid Attacks By Viscous
}
Man-Eating Lemurs In the Future
}
} Step 1: Build time machine (bonus points for using only rubber bands
} and library paste)
}
} Step 2: Use time machine to trace evolution of lemurs to the original
} lemur in 40,000,000
B.C.
}
} Step 3: Alter viscosity of original lemur with HCl
}
} Step 4: Travel to future
}
} Step 5: Enjoy being attacked by non-viscous man-eating lemurs
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a viscous lemur and a dictionary.
> Oh great One, whose vast knowledge outshines even the library at
> Alexandria, please tell me...
>
> Earlier, I told you about my brother, who declared himself King of
> Raleigh. Well, it seems that he is trying to stir up things.
Last
> night he declared war on Durham, and he wants me to conscript an
army.
> My problem is, how can I raise an army for a king no one has ever
heard
> of, and convince them to invade a town where most of them work?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dear Supplicant,
}
} I'm glad you came to me since you are obviously confused and in need
of some
} serious advise. First off, you need to set your brother straight,
since
} Raleigh can be no more than a pricipality. It certainly does
not rank large
} enough, wealthy enough, or mean enough to be a kingdom. Some
examples of
} kingdoms follow.
}
} Let's say that the king of Washington were to wage war on you.
After an
} opening barrage of mercilous accountants inspected and feasted
upon your
} carcass and its various orifices, the king could then send in his
FBI. But
} let's suppose an invasion by the kingdom of New York. WIth
all of the wealthy
} dukes and earls, its *poof* you're gone, bought up in the blink of
an eye.
} End of story. And god help ye if the Kingdom of Microsoft should
seek to
} invade your hamlet. Untold atrocities would be brought upon
you and everyone
} in their path.
}
} So you see, your problem is not raising an army and convincing them
to wage
} war on a neighboring city that they work in, but rather convincing
your
} brother the "king" <smirks> not to get his royal panties in a
bunch while
} trying to wage a war. For who knows, his hamlet may one day
be targeted as
} well....
}
} You owe the Oracle a bound copy of the bedtime story The Three Hedgehogs