Last update: Aug. 13, 1997

The I'm a WareZ Newbie FAQ
A Satirical Look at the Nonsense Posts
The Lighter Side of Lameness

Q: I just got into this really k3wl WaReZ scene, but the more experienced userz in theze newzgroupz give me a major ration of crap everytime I post. What can I do?

A: That depends. Maybe you are posting in 900 line splits with one of the Forte Agent products. This is the default setting for older releases. You screwed up because you didn't follow the group before posting, and didn't RTFM that came with your software. You can reset the software to post in 10000-15000 line splits. Just RTFM to find out how to do it.

Or maybe you are using another software product to post with that you didn't RTFM for either. Some of these will not make "proper" posts....period. You should figure out how to set these up for 10000-15000 lines or get another software product. If you must use a lesser product, then use it for reading news. But get Agent or something else that will do large line count splits to post with. Or don't post. Simple enough? REPEAT: If you can't post in 10000-15000 lines the DO NOT POST.

Q: I made a test post here, and the more experienced users flamed me heavily. Why?

A: You screwed up by making a test post to a busy newsgroup. No one appreciates this extra traffic and by doing so, you have told the world that you are a lamer.

Make your test post to alt.test next time. Here's why. Some users have unlimited internet access for a flat monthly fee. Others have to pay the teleco for every minute they are connected, and still others pay their provider on a per megabyte transferred rate. So you either piss off most users when making test posts, or you cost them money, or both.

Q: I thought it would be funny to set Agent up to do 100 line splits and post a large zip file here. My newsmaster sent me a nasty e-mail saying that if it happens again, he will terminate my service. Can he do this? How did he find out who I really am?

A: You screwed up royally here. By placing fake ID in your newsreader, you thought you could be a total jerk and get away with it. Not so. In your header streams, all the information required to have your newsmaster identify you is present. Your ISP was acting upon numerous complaints he received from other irate (irate means pissed off) users.

When a responsible user sees one of these clowns flooding a newsgroup, he reports it to the flooder's newsmaster. He includes the header stream and uses his real e-mail address when reporting this. If it continues, then he sends one copy of his complaint for each header in the post via anonymous remailer. So your newsmaster might get 644 complaints from one irate user alone. Your newsmaster will not be happy with you - believe me.

Someone also provides pre-canned responses to the appropriate newsmaster. These include the header stream and a polite complaint. They are posted to the group where the flooding was done via anonymous remailer. These are encrypted messages that irate users can send via the anonymous remailers to the newsmaster. All the needed instructions are included in the post, so only a little cutting and pasting into the e-mail application needs to be done.

Irate users of these groups only need drop these messages into the e-mail system and can rest assured that the complaint will arrive almost immediately. Their true identity will be masked by the anonymous remailer system - so they can send them without worry. Once in a while, the send button can get stuck in the e-mail software and the complaint might get sent many, many, many times. Stuff happens, what can I say?

Your newsmaster will be most unhappy with this, and will find it much easier to terminate your service rather than continue to deal with the flood of messages to HIS mailbox.

Rather than deal with you himself, your newsmaster might even make a post to the flooded newsgroup revealing your real e-mail address. This would be completely irresponsible of him, but that won't stop irate users from sending you nasty mail messages. Now your mailbox will be flooded, and when you exceed your space allotment, your provider will charge you extra. You will have to beg your ISP for a new account to stop the messages from arriving in your mailbox.

Your name might even wind up on the local blacklist - making it difficult for you to find an ISP willing to deal with you.

So, in summary, if you think you can get away with flooding newsgroups, you are WRONG.

Q: Someone "widely recognized in the WaReZ scene" claimed that they have a certain program that isn't generally available yet (a "leaked" beta of Forte Agent seems to be the one most lamers ask for). Since I can't get my hands on the proggie myself, I called him a liar in the newsgroups. I was flamed heavily and had to change my nym. Did I deserve this?

A: Yes. What you failed to realize is that almost all the warez you see here comes from other sources, NOT the Usenet. The more experienced users have access to huge ftp sites, and they post and obtain the latest stuff there. Eventually it winds up in Usenet warez groups too, but it does not originate here. So by posting a message calling one of the real pirates a liar you have done two things. You have announced your ignorance, and you have wound up in every kill
file on the planet. And then you wonder why no one sees your posts. Duh!

Q: I make large binary posts to a.b.w.i-pc, but also crosspost them into alt.cracks because someone told me that a.b.w.i-pc isn't carried on some servers anymore. I thought I was doing everyone who can't get a.b.w.i-pc a favor, but I was flamed anyway. Why?

A: You made large off-topic binary posts into a non-binary newsgroup. This put increased strain on the non-binary group and can force newsmasters to stop carrying it. So by "doing a favor", you have contributed to the demise of yet another newsgroup. Perhaps you can't get a.b.w.i-pc or alt.cracks anymore yourself, and wondered why. Now you know.

Q: These newsgroups are a mess. What can I do to help straighten it out?

A: Think before you post, or don't post at all.

Q: I posted a request for the Free Agent crack. Now all my classmates are making fun of me and the whole football team beat me up. Why?

A: The lameness of this question is beyond the scope of this FAQ.

Q: I posted a message asking for public news server and ftp site addresses and was flamed heavily. Why?

A: By posting the answers to your questions, the servers would be overloaded due to every pirate on the planet trying to log into them. The news server will "go private" and become unavailable to the public. The ftp site will be shut down, and the operator harassed by the software police if he was running it deliberately. If his system was hacked for warez ftp usage, he will have to spend time and money to increase the protections. Or discontinue anonymous access altogether. Posted sites die quickly. They might even be closed before YOU find the time to try logging in.

Q: Something tells me the answer to the above question about posting ftp site addresses is bull puckey. How can I be sure this is true?

A: Start running an ftp server on your own computer and make sure you can log in anonymously yourself. Test it thoroughly to be sure it works. Then put a few warez files in the /outgoing directory and post the IP address to the Usenet warez groups. Then start your e-mail program and let it run in the background and wait.

When your hard drive begins to thrash, you have "been discovered." Congratulations. Then, just before your modem melts, your ISP will send e-mail to you asking you to explain why everyone on the entire Internet is hammering your IP address and overheating his routers. You
will have to act quickly because he wants an answer before terminating your account. And your ISP owes a reasonable explanation to his backbone provider or he will be disconnected from the net himself.

Q: OK, now I understand why it is not a good idea to post site addresses. So I asked that these be e-mailed to me instead. My mailbox was flooded with useless site lists, nasty messages, and encrypted zip files that I can not decode. All my important e-mail was pushed off the stack and lost. My ISP suggested that I "tone it down." What did I do to deserve this?

A: Some people on the Internet have nothing better to do than sit around reading Usenet messages all day . When they see something they can reply to, they feel obligated to "give something back to the system." So today was your turn to be the recipient of their good
will. The site lists weren't any good anyway, but you would have to waste your own time to find this out for yourself.

Tell your ISP that the measly 10MB of disk space allotted to your account is woefully inadequate to suit your needs and that you must have more. Then be prepared to pay for using the service as a commercial client at much higher rates.

Q: I saw a post that said that if I replied to it with "Me Too" and gave my e-mail address, I would receive a free copy of (too many to list, here's a few):

Windows 97
Warez FTP Site Lists
Partition Magic
XXX Passwords

I replied as instructed but never got what was promised, so I replied again as instructed. Suddenly my mailbox is overflowing with all sorts of mailbombs, weird and perverted mailing list stuff, threatening mail, mail calling me a lamer, and now a very stern warning from my ISP to "tone it down or lose your account here." What happened?

A: You were duped into replying to a Usenet troll and were stupid enough to provide your real e-mail address. Don't feel alone - you're not. Countless others fall for this all the time. Unfortunately, replying to these messages clogs up busy newsgroups and this is exactly what they are designed to do. The result is that some users here strongly dislike having their groups disrupted by this nonsense and they took advantage of your stupidity by signing you up to mailing lists and sending mailbombs. Since you have no way to prevent incoming mail, your mailbox is probably overflowing and bouncing mail back to these irate senders - most often anonymous remailers. Your service provider doesn't care about the state of your mailbox, but he does dislike getting mail from other providers complaining to him about excessive mail bounces from his site. Your provider looked into it and determined that YOU were responsible for the bounced mail, hence the stern warning.

By now you realize that all you can do is change your e-mail address. This accomplishes two things. You may have to pay money for the change and this alone will not prevent the mailbombs from arriving at your site. A programming change will be needed to the mailserver, and if I was your provider I would charge you money for that too. After I got the money I would mailbomb you myself and then terminate your account for repeatedly causing service disruptions. Having learned your lesson, you move on to find another service provider and have to pay the startup fees there too. Moral of the story:

There is no free lunch here, and if you post your real e-mail address in reply to any "Me Too" type trolls you will regret it. Oh, yeah......and you deserve it too because only a lamer would fall for this in the first place.

Q: I posted a request for a program or crack and asked that it be e-mailed to me. All I ever received were threatening letters from anonymous remailers along the lines of "If you are too lazy to check back in the groups for your requested program...." What's up with that?

A: Exactly what the replies said. You are too lazy to check back for the program or crack post and actually expect someone to e-mail it to you instead. Here's the problem. No one in their right mind is going to e-mail you directly with an illegal copy of pirated software. And since there is no way to practically send large files thru anonymous remailers - your request is unreasonable and only demonstrates that you do not understand how the internet works. Furthermore, you have no way of knowing how many fools (those not in their right minds) will
actually respond. What happens when 200 copies of Windows 97 arrive at your service provider and they won't fit in your mailbox? The mail bounces back and your service provider becomes very pissed off because of the complaints he is getting from other providers about excessive mail bounces and all this illegal software being transmitted. You should have anticipated that possibility before making your request. But you did not. At least you have an excuse though - you are an idiot.

Q: I downloaded an application but I didn't get all the disks. I really want this program badly, so what I did was make a post like this:

Posting what I have -- Plz fill in the blanks -- Thanks -- (01/26)

I was flamed to the point of tears. What went wrong?

A: What you did is without a doubt the lamest stunt to appear in recent times. Your post is completely inappropriate for the following reasons:

1) It is an OBZ, or one big zip. Rather than split the app up into disk size chunks and post those individually, you posted the whole thing as a single huge file. Should there be a single CRC error anywhere in the post the entire file is useless. Absolutely nothing can be recovered from it. And when the complaints about a CRC error or missing section start coming in there is nothing you can do but repost the whole thing all over again. Even more waste of space and bandwith.

2) You didn't include the app name or even the file name in the subject header. All anyone can glean from your post is that it is not a complete program. We don't even have any idea what program it is.

3) The post is self admittedly an incomplete file set. It can not stand alone and is useless to anyone who does not have the missing files. But since you didn't identify the program, or even which files of it you don't have, it's actually less than worthless.

Do you actually expect someone to download your entire post just so that they can find out what it is and what files are missing - so that they can then fill in the blanks for you? Do you have any idea how stupid this looks and is? The only reason a lot of folks haven't killfiled you immediately is that they want to see if you rush in with some sort of ludicrous explanation defending your own post.

After you have been here for a few days or weeks you will get an idea of the magnitude of the problems that you and others like you are causing. Usenet binary volume is way up. Many servers can not handle the volume and are forced to expire articles earlier than they did just a few months ago. What happens here is that quality posts aren't available as long as they could be because your post and others like it arrive and push the good ones off the server. The next time you are downloading a high value application and suddenly it becomes unavailable right in the middle of your retrieval session, you will think back about all the "Fill in the Blank" posts that caused a good app to expire.

What you should have done is posted a REQ for the files you were missing. Then once you had them all you should have installed and tested the program. Then if you saw a REQ for it, or think someone would be interested in it, you should have packaged it properly and then posted it. But you didn't do this, or read the FAQs, or learn anything about what proper posting procedure is. You just jumped in, made an incomplete, unidentified, OBZ post and pissed a lot of people off in the process. There are inconsiderate and irresponsible types showing up here more frequently. Congratulations, you fit into both categories, and you are an idiot besides.

Believe it or not, the above cited post was a real one. It was so
perfectly phucked up, the pinnacle of perfection in lameness, the one
against all others will be measured, that it naturally wound up
included in this FAQ.

Q: I posted several files off a single Subject header and was flamed. What's the big deal?

A: Here is a fine example of what NOT to do:

Please post 1592nt5.r62, r81, r83 NT5 WKS Here is 1592nt5.r66, .r67, .r73, .r75, .r77, r79, .r82, .r84, .r85 (001/567)

Eight large files hanging off a single subject header. The line count for this turd post was set to 768 lines per section. Note that this resulted in 567 individual messages that did not download joined. That's right NOT joined. So in effect it was a message flood due to the low line count as well as an apparent OBZ.

Anyone who needed a single file out of the spew would have to download the whole thing, assuming it even came into the server complete. One missing section and it's all useless. Also notice the idiot requested files in the same header. You have to really try to post this badly.

Q: Well I thought there were a lot more ways to screw up than those mentioned here. Where are the rest?

A: You and others like you are coming up with innovative and most creative ways to look like the true idiots that you are all the time. All you have to do is watch the newsgroups to see the new fangled methods of screwing up. Don't forget to read newsgroups during peak lamer periods, Xmas, Easter, Spring Break, all summer, etc. when school is not in session.

Looks like you made it all the way to the end. And just maybe you learned something. Here is your reward, a few Forte Agent Registration Keys. Download Agent from the Forte FTP site:

Both 16 and 32 bit versions of the latest release are there. And for God's sake don't post the program. Post the URL and a reg key instead.

Q: OK, and thanks for the reg keys. But what's a URL?

A: Useless, Retarded, Lamer. You're still one, so forget about the reg keys.

(Note from Bob: The registration keys for Agent have been intentionally deleted from this file to comply with law .)

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